The First 50 Years

My first 50 years I was just about the same as everyone else. Raised in a conservative, middle class household under the shroud of Orange County California, behind the curtain. I found my sexuality at 12. I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know where it belonged. It was not to be talked about. When I was finally able to get past the insecurities and the shame, I indulged in the sexuality I was hiding. There was a freedom that came along with it. My first partner and I explored everything we could think of. I found that I absolutely loved sex. It was an art form to me. I thought about it all the time. He indulged me and gave me a safe place to explore.

I moved out of state for my first year of college. Family turmoil was at it’s worst. I had left one bad situation and found myself in another. My only solace was my sexuality. Sex was my refuge away from an abusive home. I was in a small town far away from the OC atmosphere. I was considered different, bold, aggressive, trouble…. for a girl. I returned to the OC in less than a year and found myself back home. I was back in the abuse. I needed to survive and a girl in 1991 survives by getting married and moving out. Being married was safe, constant, and secure.

My first husband let me stay wild. He didn’t try and reign me in. He let me fly free. I didn’t understand the dynamic at the time. I wanted a little of everything. I wasn’t being fulfilled emotionally and decided I couldn’t live without the emotional intimacy he was incapable of giving. We separated, got back together and then I decided I needed to move on. I took someone else’s husband with me. This was a shame that changed me.

I spent the next 15 years being completely faithful raising 7 kids. I ran my own business so I could spend more time being able to take care of the kids. I was that mom. I was PTA President, Team Mom, Sunday School teacher, Girl Scout Leader, Cub Scout Leader and so much more. I spent all my free time committed to other people’s children. I did all of this while doing to majority of the house repairs and managing a household of 9. I didn’t have time to think about my sexuality.

I was too much for my second husband and not enough all at the same time. We separated as he wouldn’t stay faithful. After the death of my brother, I jumped into another relationship, long distance, that lasted almost 4 years. I spent 4 years being told that he would eventually be able to give me what I wanted and needed sexually. I am not sure why I thought there would be some sort of change. I received lots of promises of him moving closer to me but it never came to fruition. He is unable to see his dysfunction through his addiction behavior. I knew it was just a matter of time.