I still don't know what to do without you.
It's been about two months since you left. I try not to, but I still text you from time to time. I wish I could say I'm never expecting a reply... I know it's not logical but part of me always waits.
I've been going to Fall River every now and then. Everywhere I go there, everywhere I pass, I wonder if you've been there or if you ever wanted to go. I like the people I'm surrounded by when I'm there but I'm overwhelmed with sadness and regret that we never got to explore the city together.
You'd really love the turn my life has taken lately. The music video I was in got released. You would've loved it and I just know you would've been my biggest hype woman. Work is extra stressful right now but there are great things on the horizon so I'm holding out a little longer. You know how quick I've always been to bounce from a bar as soon as I'm unhappy...and I'm there and have been for a little bit but I'm trying to change that habit and I think this time it will actually turn out pretty well. We had a new manager start and she has another company that she's the CEO of that is about to reopen. She invited me to a soft opening where I can meet the investor. That's going to open up a whole new slew of opportunities in the near future. You'd really love the concept and maybe you and Kiki have even been to it before they closed for renovations/new ownership. Sweet Berry Farms? I'll have to remember to ask her if you guys ever went.
I've started dating again. It's... a very odd (non-derogatory) experience but also relieving and nice. I truly thought I was going to be damaged forever. I'm not saying I'm not still figuring things out from all of the issues that came along from Christian ... but it's nice to be hopeful and not to believe I'll be navigating the rest of my life alone. I don't know where it's heading but in staying true to who I am, I fell hard and fast. I've learned my lesson though, I am not as naive as I once was so regardless of how I feel, I'm taking my time and making sure I never leave solid ground and always have steady footing. It's been interesting trying to find a balance between staying soft and honest in how I feel/what I'm thinking and keeping up walls that will end up protecting me if or when things go wrong.
I think you'd really like him. (YEAH. HIM. WHAT THE FUCK???) He's going to meet Rio officially soon but Rio is already pretty sure he likes him. I'm trying really hard not to bring my issues into how I view what we have because that's not fair to him and I think I'm doing a pretty good job but it makes me feel a little insane keeping all of this bottled up. I could talk to Kiki or Mom but neither of them would call me out on my bullshit the way you would. They are kind, “whatever you need” supportive. I need “tell it how it is regardless of how it makes me feel” supportive. I need you. I try to think through things as if you are still here and try to figure out what you would say to me.
He calls me his wife. He talks about his future as if I'll be the one by his side. I really like this and the idea of it. Things are new so of course it's all taken with a grain of salt, with the expectations of someone who doesn't expect anything from anyone. More than that though, just as much as I love to hear it (and I truly do)... I'm so terrified. I know there are good, healthy, lasting relationships but I've never known one personally and I'm not sure if I can have one. I know I've constantly worked on myself, I love myself and I trust myself to a point... but my confidence in love and relationships is completely shaken. I was wrong with Jim and ended up breaking his heart – but my solace in that is at least he found what he thought he had with me in the end. Christian though... will I ever break the chains that she locked around my neck?
I'm so terrified of getting into the same position I was in and if I did... would I have the strength to leave a second time? I was so sure in her. I was so sure in myself in being able to get through anything for her and in the end... I couldn't handle it. You would tell me I'm being ridiculous but at the end of the day I can't help but blame myself for not being a little stronger. If I could just handle the things that came my way, if I could navigate them better, if I could draw better boundaries while not taking on responsibility for issues that weren't my own, if I could love hard without losing myself... would things be different? It wasn't my job to save her and looking back I was asking for major changes that maybe she wasn't capable of but does that mean I am unable to love someone as is and that I just fall in love with potential? AND. What if I don't love and care as deeply as I think I do? What if I am as cold and heartless as Christian told me I was in our last few years together. Was I just protecting myself or did I take on those traits?
I don't believe this to be the case and it certainly isn't historically true. She also lied from the beginning. I was a fool and told her exactly what I look for in people and the qualities I love in people and she put on a mask that showed me all those qualities just to have none of them once the mask came off. Once I was already in to deep and my empathy took over and all I wanted to do was give her a world that she was actively stealing from me.
I know the things I am feeling aren't true.
With that, then, why is it so hard to rectify the emotional and the logical so I don't feel that way?
Why does and how can he see a future with me with my track record? Not only the failed marriages but obviously there is something there that everyone else sees. Jim aside, which was undone by my doing and no one else's and for reasons that made letting us go best for both of us... there hasn't been anyone that wanted something real without needing something or someone other than me. Will he eventually see what it is? Can I figure out what it is and change it before the illusion is inevitably broken?
There has never been a shortage of people interested but so few have wanted to stay around. Even fewer have wanted JUST me without needing someone else as a placeholder for whatever I'm missing. I've been the trophy. The “I bet you can't get her to talk to you” girl. I'm the pretty face everyone wants on their arm but once they get to know me they quickly realize they didn't sign up for everything underneath. How long will it be until he sees that? When will the quirks that come off as cute at first become an annoyance, a hassle, something that has to be dealt with? He has his own quirks so I have no doubts some things can be overlooked or ignored or maybe even found endearing.. but what about when I get into a spell of emotional insanity? When I'm crying every day because of things that don't even affect me – children going hungry, the state of different countries all over the world, just pain that I shouldn't be taking on? What about when I can't leave the house for days because it's winter and the sun is gone and everything feels miserable and I can't see the point of anything? Will I be too much then? Will the passion and excitement he loves be soured like it has for everyone who has come before?
I am being cruel and selfish for even entertaining the possibility of a future for us? Am I being too self critical? Am I only asking that because I want more than anything to be worth it for someone... worth loving, worth being faithful to, worth treating with the same kind of love I've always wanted to give to the people I care about.
Can anyone ever truly see themselves objectively – without over glorifying or over criticizing? I feel like I've been trying for so long so I can finally understand everything, everyone, myself. Why and how can someone want me so passionately just for that to disappear as soon as I let them in? Why do I allow the things I have allowed people to do to me? Why have I always attracted something that inevitably hurts me? Is that just human nature? This is surely not an experience of just my own but is this a common experience all people go through or is this something the broken, the empathetic, the naive go through? Am I just too trusting? I think of myself as a suspicious person but that suspicion leaves as soon as I see the good in someone so am I truly suspicious or do I just try to put on that face until I have a reason to let down my guard whether it's warranted or not?
He is so GOOD. I truly believe that. I've seen the bad and loved anyway, loved despite. I don't see bad in him. Is that naivety? Am I blind and just desperate to believe that there is such a person? Am I letting emotion take over where logic should prevail – once again allowing myself to fall into a precarious situation that ends in me giving up pieces of myself for the benefit of someone else? If I believe there is bad in everyone, clearly it must be there but is it just so non-assuming and so limited that the bad that is there is just not worth noticing? Do I even truly believe there is bad in everyone? Maybe there is just dark in everyone but that doesn't mean they allow it to prosper into bad.
I know that some of that became too much and maybe all over the place. I also know that if you were here you would have followed along every word with no problem. You wouldn't have the answers for everything but you knew me better than I even knew myself sometimes and that's insight that I could desperately use right now.
I miss you so much. We all do. No singular human has the exact same experience in this life as another but... we are the closest it got for us. We shared the same childhood, we had the same struggles, we fought through things together and shared everything with each other. You leaving left a hole that could never be filled – not just as my sister but as the only other person in this world who knew me and experienced everything as closely as two people could.
I have so much more to say but I'm at work right now and holding back tears. Anything more and I think the dam might break and release the flood. It's not fair that you're gone. I wish I was with you. I wish I didn't have to try to figure things out without you. I love you so much.