Moving day (or week?) brings on so many emotions I have been pushing off. It's solidifying the feelings of losing my sister, relocating back to the east coast permanently, and restarting life at thirty-one years old.
So much has happened since the start of the new year. The final end to a 6 year long relationship, the beginning of a new relationship. The ending of two lives, one permanently and one just restarting. The emotional roller-coaster has been intense. From having a life planned, to being stunted and unable to foresee any type of future, to being able to plan again but being back to an empty drawing board.
Movies and books making beginnings and endings seem so simple. It happens the way its supposed to, something begins, that something ends, and then something new begins. Real life isn't like that. Real life is messy with beginnings and endings colliding and weaving between each other. Characters in a book have it easy. They're navigating with a script. Someone has laid out their path for them. Thinking about life that way makes me wish I believed in a god; makes me wish God was an unfaltering truth. That way I could feel like a character in the books I like to lose myself in, everything planned just waiting to be experienced. Instead, we are just making it up as we go. No one else holds the key to where our life goes, that is all on us. The comforts that brings don't seem to outweigh the paralyzing responsibilities that comes along with everything being on your own shoulders.
How do I feel both ready and not? Both unbalanced and steady? How can I be ready to start planning a future again when all the past year has shown me is that no matter what you plan, if life decides differently there is nothing you can do?
I feel like an addict repeating the mantra “one day at a time” but what else can we do or rely on other than the immediate here and now?
Does anyone ever truly figure out how to rectify all of the contradicting feelings and beliefs? If you have, please share that knowledge with me.