A Personal Test πŸ™ˆ

I deactivated my Medium account approximately 2 months ago to test myself on a psychological level.

The reason being is that I had pictures of my bruises & my scar after my attack in the hospital. Logging in every other day or so & having to see the pictures of them all over again gave me lots of anxiety. It felt like I was reliving it every time I logged in. Which definitely didn't help with my panic attacks.

It actually made them worse.

So I didn't want to repeat the trauma every other day.

It's interesting how others will perceive you & always look for the worst instead of the best in your actions. Some people thought I lied & took down my essays for fear of being embarrassed. Others thought I was ruthless or cold-hearted for abandoning my online friends or followers.

Well, you know the saying β€œOut of sight. Out of mind?” Right? Just like closing down my Facebook account & not having to deal with hackers anymore. πŸ™ˆ

Let me tell you this from my side of the fence. I just simply need to heal psychologically, that's all. Nothing more complicated than that. I can reactivate my account & show those essays again if I choose to because it is a personal choice. But I know in my heart that keeping up those pictures right now will not help me move on & heal.

Nor did I write about it to gain a following. That was just a by-product of the social media world we live in. It seems like you can’t post anything nowadays without there being some kind of ridiculous algorithm that is built in to determine how popular someone is.

The only reason I chose to speak up about my assault was because I needed others to know the truth. And when I was denied a surveillance video that shows the truth, I felt it was my responsibility to speak up. There were other victims in that same hospital & I felt that they needed someone brave to be a mouthpiece for them as well.

So I chose to be brave.

(Even when I didn't feel it myself).

I literally made a promise to God after I was released & all I can say is I fulfilled that promise. Posting those stories was my way of keeping that pact. My promise to do something for a higher cause & the good of the planet was more important to me.

Risking looking like a fool, I had to be true to myself.

I look back & think that maybe I could have done things differently.

But I'm glad I didn't.

The hospital has since closed down.

No more house of horrors.