October 🍁
October has always been the roughest month for me out of all the months in the year.
My sister took her own life on October 1, 2015. So it brings back alot of memories from that time in my life.
The phone call I received, the shock, the devastation, the crying, the sadness, the depression, the wake, the funeral, her burial… 😔
I relive it in my mind every single year. It's honestly very difficult to explain to someone who never went through that kind of trauma before so I tend to retreat a little more & gather my thoughts. Overall, October tends to be just a rather more reflective & pensive time for me.
There's a heaviness in my body whenever this time comes around. Similar to boulders of stones in my pockets that make my body feel heavier than normal.
So I took a digital detox for the first week of October & tried to concentrate on taking care of myself instead of being there for others on YouTube for a little while. I've been a big supporter of alot of channels & helped promote them & make sure that others subscribe to them & help them grow.
There are approximately 15 that are in my main feed that I continuously check on. I'm subscribed to many more but that's the most I can handle for now in terms of leaving feedback on.
People who don't have a YouTube channel don't realize the hard work that these creators put into filming videos & then editing & uploading those videos. It's a very time-consuming & very tedious process. Another energy-zapper can be comments that people leave. Too many can be overwhelming at times.
I thought that by not commenting & joining livestreams for a little bit that some energy would return to my body & I would have time to focus & catch up on my own needs for a bit. Being a supporter can also drain you because it takes alot of inner resources to constantly cheer others on. Constantly making sure they feel loved. Constantly making sure they know they have friends to count on.
But if I'm feeling burned out I have to listen to myself. Exhaustion & fatigue set in & I know that health problems will start snowballing if I don't recharge my batteries.
So I told myself I will finish all the 18 story drafts I have posted & saved in my blog.
Like seriously…
EIGHTEEN stories I started & haven't finished yet! 😝
3 of them are promotions for slot channels & the rest are just small personal memories of my own.
I thought that my one week digital detox would help me catch up.
But it hasn't.
Ugggh… 😐
So much pressure on my mind, it feels like. Like a vice grip that's tightening more each day.
One thing I told myself is that I would take a big leap of faith for myself & actually declare myself a writer on some profiles of mine. Because that is basically what I truly have been doing for the last 2.7 years.
Writing & blogging…
It felt weird. Like I actually cringed when I updated my profile because it felt kind of selfish of me.
“HOW DARE YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR NEEDS! HOW DARE YOU ACTUALLY VALUE YOURSELF! HOW DARE YOU DECLARE YOURSELF TO BE ANYBODY!”
😠😠😠
Those were the thoughts I had. Those were the sabotaging thoughts going through my brain. Those were the thoughts I repeatedly told myself for so many years.
The value & worth that I conditioned my mind to hear every day inside of my head were so low on the self-confidence & self-esteem scale that I actually felt guilty doing it. When I say guilty, I truly mean that.
GUILT!!! 😒
I've been trying to help others with my writing for so long that guilt actually set in when I did it for myself.
Is that normal???
Ummm, for me, I guess.
Probably for alot of others on social media out there??? Maybe??? Hmmm???
They just won't say it so I'll be the one that does.
I don't know? 💁
I do know that I'm not one for posting selfies all the time because I feel that my content is more geared towards the actual quality of my thoughts. That it would take away from the depth of my writing. That when I promote other people, it's best to put the attention on them & make THEM shine!
And if I'm purging my own subconscious or writing about my own experiences in life, who really cares what I look like on each post I've written anyways? Maybe once in awhile, but each post would be a little overkill, no?
Well, I may go another couple of days on my digital detox because my health is important to me. All around, if I'm burnt out inside then I don't have much to give others, do I?
I tell myself that I WILL finish all of my drafts one day.
I WILL, I WILL, I WILL!
Who knows? Maybe it's the coffee I'm drinking. Maybe it's not strong enough. Maybe I need more caffeine. Maybe I need to change up my brew.
I can tell myself alot of reasons why I have no energy right now. I can fool myself into believing I need a liter of Mountain Dew or Pepsi. Or an extra shot of espresso. Or a can of Coca Cola.
I can tell myself I'm burnt out from social media.
I can tell myself alot of things, I guess.
But really deep down in my heart I know it's because it's October.
There's just that something about October, that's all.
In loving memory of my little sister, Dee…
Thank you for inspiring me to be the writer I was finally meant to be.
💔🍁💔