... a nobody sharing the thoughts that already existed, that are rediscovered, and which may remain ...

534 | 10101 | 31

534 days since the start of rebirth …

10101 days since I existed on earth …

31 days till the end of my Shabbatical …

I am left with a malaise after playing League of Legends as a support character. My head is tight, my neck is stiff, and I feel a little like I woke up from a mini-dream. Malaise is the word that comes to describe me.

I am blogging now because the wheel of tasks – I use a randomizer to get through my day – points to blogging, but I don’t know what to blog about – except what has happened to me.

I have been hearing alot of image-oriented theology at a Bible study class I have been going to (for over a year it was with a lady in the city, on a 2-to-1 basis). A blood brother of mine mentioned it sounds like their are Alexandrians, a school of thought in the early Christian church, where passages with the same words are used to explain each other. Passages from The Bible with the same words are used to explain each other. In particular, those words tend to be real objects. I need more ammunition to write about. Yes, I can give thanks for a roof over my head, a bed with clean sheets, internet, electricity, running water to shower after my sweaty exercise session, clean clothes, more food that I need for my body. I can generate a new routine everyday using a randomizer like wheelofnames.com, and found the variety exciting.

It’s like every day is the same puzzle, with slightly different looking pieces, and I get to put them down according to the dice.

To add to the list of thanksgiving. I got to exercise with my blood father in the afternoon. I got to study with my first blood brother in the morning. I got to send my youngest/second brother to the gym.

This Shabbatical was a pause button for me. From my church, my university (well, that’s permanent), and from earning money. I have sometimes used my time well and most times waste my time on games, manga, and pornography. This is a sin, as I cause pain to myself – lack of sleep, tear-stung eyes peering at a screen in the dark with a black hole of twisted desire in my heart

And so, for the next 31 days (I make this sound like a present resolution, but this was a product of last week, and happened around Friday), I must remember – in thought and action – that I am a hired servant of God. I (intentionally contradictorily) speak to God the Father (not God the Master) because Jesus – God the Son – speaks to God the Father in the same way.

This was triggered by the remembrance of the story of the prodigal son. The prodigal son “came to himself”, and then says “How many hired servants of my father’s have enough bread and to spare, and I perish with hunger!”

For me, the lack of food is not the lack of physical food, but the lack of righteousness in existence. I realised that much of my righteousness was derived from my work in the church and my work in the university. When those were gone, I know longer had the food of righteousness to eat. There were some days when I really did not help out at home, and on these days the hunger struck the hardest. The depression – a sign of the starving soul – can really set in on those days. I see fellow believers who have too much work in their lives – and I realise I am really missing out on that action. For whoever “hungers and thirsts after righteousness, they shall be filled”. Righteousness – works that supports oneself and others in various ways – is like food. It is food for the soul.

Now the next line doesn’t make sense. I uttered it in an emotional fit last night.

People around us – who we play, work, fight, and rest with – are a part of our souls. We all have souls – we are souls – even though I can’t define what a soul is.

I do know what a wave is! (I have been putting together physics notes in preparation for tutoring others – I am green though to the game – as green as spinach). A wave is a movement of energy through space without the movement of matter.

And then I think of energy-mass equivalence … and then my mind blanks out.

And so, again, for the next 31 days and beyond, I must remember – in thought and action – that I am a hired servant of God. I must remember this. Memory is a gift. “Remember me, when you come into your kingdom” said the murderer to Jesus, as they were both dying on crosses. He asked that Jesus remembers him. I will remember your words, Jesus. I will remember YOU (Jesus). I will now stretch the word remember – to re-member. Member can refer to the members of one’s body – whether it be the eyes, the ears, the mouth, etc. to remember a person, in its most basic, instant form, is to piece together in one’s mind the image of a person, which is reducible to the parts of that person.

I stopped writing on paper, so I will also stop writing using the keyboard.

I will not bother with referencing anything, since I just want to get into the habit of posting whenever the wheel of fortune strikes. Just get it out. I remember “Choice words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and health to the bones”.