A King is Awake.
A King on the inside (RICHLIN et. al. 2021). He is awake.
I exchanged money for :The Longing: (Studio Seufz et. al. 2019) around August of this year.
I bought this game hoping that ISHO’ help, ISHO’ healing (…) will coincide with the end of this game. I was drowning then. The Girl had left me in mid-March after six weeks of conversation. It was real love (The Hobbit Phree et. al. 2014). The day she left, I never knew I hated myself so much (NF et. al. 2019). The next day, I opened up my arms – by inspiration from NF – and asked God to help me, heal me. I hated myself, and I needed Him to love me.
… i remember that day that i couldn’t hate God, i couldn’t hate her … both have been so kind to me … the former gave me a nice book (Gentle & Lowly et. al. 2022) through a fellow pilgrim, a kiss on the cheek from a first dog, much kisses on the hand from another dog … the latter gave me kind parting words and cheer in her voice … she let me down slowly (Alec Benjamin et. al. 2018) into the arms of God, of ISHO … this song came to me through my youngest sister … i am eternally grateful for that … it helped frame my bittersweet experience with this girl … helped me stay away from my tendency to blame and attack the other person … tendency to hold bitterness … i am bloody good at that …
… i epic crushed on The Her as a sixteen year old … a first … and i swear to myself she will be my last … if she will not marry me, i will have my waifu and my waifu alone … i will draw and redraw my waifu until she is the most beautiful one for me … even if she is 2D … i have joined The Weebs in spirit (…)
… this is a life, after all … a life out of millions … millions just like me (NF et. al. 2021)
It is an idle game that runs in the background, even when you don’t have the game open. On writing this post, I am on day 319 in-game.
I realised today that He is already awake inside of me. He is directing – no journeying with me (he is no authoritarian, but the past mes did believe this) – through people, His Word (OEB et. al. 2022), myself (when i care to stop and listen), an etc (Dallas Willard et. al. 1999) – after I was reborn over 235+ days ago. That the yoke has only gotten easier (…), and the freedom in ISHO ever-increasing. I might be fooling myself … yes, i am fooling myself … i am a fool!
Directing me to holy erotica, holy masturbation, holy pornography. To take back what truly belongs to The Kingdom of Heaven (…) – and throw out all the chaff (…).
To claim all that is good – even if there is a sliver of good – in all that is evil. Yin and yan (…). I have not read any of the material on the idea except to look at the picture. I love looking at pictures and ignoring the words. Those who claim to know truth and love – they still believe in a few lies. Others we perceive to believe in complete lies, they have tid-bits of truth.
As children of God NOW (…), we are to be peacemakers … i want to be a peacemaker of sorts … a local peacemaker … amongst seven people …
So I am deleting :The Longing: as I claim His Kingship over my life. I was just very sad, and i couldn’t see His quiet grace at work.
20+ minutes later … AND I CHANGED MY MIND … I want Him to show up more! (…) …
The King is Awake.
… i sometimes forget to breath … the Pharoah on the Inside hasn’t stopped fighting … but The Plagues keep coming …
i am doing a few things now. one, creating my own thesaurus and dictionary, and asking myself – do i actually know what these words mean? are these words different? two, drawing my own waifu and using every source of inspiration – from drawings, from cartoons – to supplement my drawing of her. third, writing my own rules with Jesus – using the inspiration from The Word.
i have been using Dwell to collect all the verses that i remember from the past … it’s a bit like finding pieces of myself (…) …
i hope what i am doing here can help new followers of The Way (…) … admittedly, i am very much a heretic atm … being in The Church since i was a child … for over twenty six years … i know much of what i say is going to be wrong …. in hindsight …
but u can’t really live always doubting what has been given …
so i am taking it slow in this faith … building a real one … reconstructing a faith and forgetting my so-called ‘faith’ … it was never mine to begin with … second hand spirituality isn’t the best …
i want the best … i want a brick house to weather the storms of life … not going to use the straw …
this is i know … i rather die dreaming rather than not dream at all … they can’t stop me from dreaming (…) … this is a dreaming … my dreaming (…)
and as a last note, i will be keeping It Takes Two in my Steam Library until the day The Girl (my first and last crush) gets married … i will then sadly delete that game from my library, knowing she will never be mine …
… i wish i can unmiss her (…) …
P.S. i didn’t really confess today because i find it really tiring … but perhaps tomorrow i have more to confess, more to reclaim from the past … to love my past selves without loving their sin …
“It's not too late to free yourself. Confession is a relief, I'm told, a great weight lifted. Regret is my constant companion. Do not let it become yours.” Albus Dumbledore (source)
i watched Fantastic Beasts : The Crimes of Grindelwald on Saturday night with my two out of three sisters …
ALAS, I do have one confession … i find Jasmine (Aladdin) and Esmeralda (The Hunchback of Notre Dame) really, really hot … i mean, pretty … i will take whatever is beautiful about them and morph them into my waifu! (who will go unnamed because she is mine, and mine alone)
… i had a funny thought … if someone was to ask what ‘my’ job was … i would say … to be a confessor :P … XD XD XD
i am doing what ever serious-minded Christian HATES – verse-proofing everything that i do … what a PATHETIC JUSTICATION …
well … i am a nobody … let me be one …
u all can go ahead and be somebodies …
… let the nobody be a nobody (…) …