Dealing with doors.
When I want survival, I take every opportunity I can.
When I am thriving, I can say no to the opportunities.
I have found it helpful to think of opportunities like doors.
I used to weary myself out by going through every door I could find, hoping I would find my security.
I am unlearning this habit.
I am also learning to let go of money. I have been quite the Scrooge (Charles Dickens et. al. +1843) for many years, but as I consider death, I realised I have put too much stock into money (NF et. al. +2017). I have started a local gym membership, and I can’t tell you how many times I have felt like absolute dogshit when I bleed eight bucks a day, with no income stream (self-caused) as I am now.
I console myself by saying that trust is more important than money, and in this sabbatical I am spending with my family (51 days in, 314 days to go).
Want to say a massive thanks to my King ISHO, who found me (and I found him) 250 days ago. My brother was doing a forced reading of the Book of Luke, and that is where I found my salvation, my key to seeing the Kingdom of Heaven, to be born of the Spirit (John et. al. +90). Here is the key
What is your key to seeing the Kingdom of Heaven? I hope you find it soon.
Meanwhile, the doors just keep opening as my wallet bleeds. Money is my life. I am learning to “unlife” money. Money has no soul (Disney et. al. 2009).
… _meanwhile, my penis is sore from too much masturbating, even with lube ... i will try to taper it down … i don’t want to lose my family jewels … i started a holy competition with my first brother … we are recording our streaks when it comes to PMO – porn, masturbation, and orgasm … we will see how it goes … i am failing pretty hard so far :P … but it’s easier with two … It Takes Two …
I remember how I went 365+ days without porn and masturbating … i started on the 27th September 2021 … clasping my hands together at night … crying … screaming at God … raging against people on the porn addict forum, with their cheap mind-tricks (don’t get me wrong, i found a lifelong friend there too, but i have left for good, way too legalistic) it was kinda hard lol … and my brother, who slept next to me (we have two adjacent beds, his one is a double bed with my youngest brother sleeping up top) …_
… i actually fell to hentai the other day … what followed i cannot forget … crying uncontrollably … pins and needles all over my body … typing gibberish in desperation to my brother … crying into a voice message to him … and saying sorry over and over again to myself and ISHO and the women’s voices I had used …
… i am crying, and crying, and crying … decide to break a rule and send this out side of the nine to eleven, my work hours …