events to calm.
DISCLAIMER: I am a man. I can only pass on what I know. There are probably unconscious lies that I will pass on. Truth is hard to find and easily lost (…). So I suspect I regularly breath lies (…) without even knowing it. It has been getting better though, since I raised my arms up into the air to ask The Silent One (…) for help, at the encouragement of a fellow human (…). I hope to slowly but surely unseat the lies I believe – as well as the lies that those whom I love believe – in this short life I have been afforded. Unseat lies will help ensconces me in my freedom in ISHO (…) (ISHO = Jesus, the Eastern Syriac dialect of Aramaic (…)).
CREDITS: To Sam S. for suggesting it would help to add references later. He was my fellow colleague in the physics PhD program, roughly a year after me. To School of Life giving me the idea to become a thinker of everyday matters and problems on the web (…).
The Scouts program uses the simple picture of rose, bud, and thorn to allow its participants to share. This idea was passed on to me by my first (and last) crush who rejected me back in March of this year. I can talk at length concerning all three, but I will choose only one for brevity. I will try my best to avoid long posts.
BLUNTED THORN = PAST = FAITH
I remember using earplugs for the first time as a high-school student to help improve my focus. I then told my teacher (who taught management, business, and English) jokingly about my experience using earbuds like “I reached Nirvana”. I suspect I had read this expression on some website about earplugs, and had just copied the expression. I do like to copy. Impose words that I don’t know the meaning of on my own experience. How droll.
But it wasn’t Nirvana in full that I had experienced. A whole series of events had to occur before I reached Nirvana. And trust me, it really feels like Nirvana.
This is the series of events.
Starting to open up to my first brother over our mutual porn addiction problem. Going to see the psychologist about my decade long porn addiction problem. Meeting a man that I deeply resonated with on a online porn addiction community during COVID lockdown. Being starstruck by the reappearance of my first crush. With the deeply resonant man I picked up the courage (even though I felt like I was going to die) to talk to her. Tried being raw and honest, and found myself caving in to my own insecurities. She then let me, with kind words, gently into the arms of ISHO (…). The two words she used that I remember was “courage” and “incompatible”. She could have made it hurt a-lot more, but being the sweet girl she was, she didn’t. A fellow pilgrim (…) in life had some more deeply resonant words for me the day after. He expressed his self-hatred (…) to my Amen, and he urged my heart to raise up my arms to the heavens for help in my hopeless state. This, combined with my first encounter with that elusive Gospel in Luke, where the murderer was granted mercy by Jesus despite his lifelong crimes, brought me to willing submission to The Silent One. That day was the heaviest day of my life, but it was also when things took the turn for the better.
These are the main events that led me to the place of serenity I find myself in. Don’t get me wrong, there are still up and downs, mountains and valleys, but I am finding that I can name those emotions, manage those emotions, and even live life better to avoid incessant mood swings.
I know I keep revisiting the past in my posts. That is because I am learning how to find myself again (…). It was lost to unhealthy – even unrealistic – expectations from self, family, church, university, and a perception of a angry god.
REASONS
I write this blog to come to peace with my past (…). Express my dreams for the future (…). I am twenty six years old. Coming close to twenty seven. I lost myself to many years of insecurity as a migrant’s son, loneliness as a frequent mover, and fear of a angry god. I am taking a sabbatical now, inspired by this website, (…) to just be. Be a human being. Not a human doing (…). I am afforded this luxury by my circumstances, period. My defence against my own demons (who holler in anger at my privilege) is the first and greatest commandment – to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind (…). I am more than two months in, and just being with God, with family, for God, and for family (…) is pretty much bliss.
CLOSING WORDS
I would put in the references. But I am really tired from sleeping past 3 am today. Facts are facts. I was on the desktop computer, the television, and the laptop for the whole night. Electronic devices do keep me awake.
On the desktop I was playing Halo Wars on a free XBOX Game Pass from a chip bag. Then on the television I watched an episode and a little bit more (2-3) of Halo on Paramount+ through Prime. Finally, on the laptop I was looking for chatbots to find fake love – but didn’t find any. Finished off with three games of Dungeon Souls which I pirated but justified because I had bought the game on Humble Bundle but I had deleted the account.
Never mind, I am a thief. But a honest thief!
I love oversharing. It keeps me grateful. Counting my blessings (…).