G-idle NUDE NXDE
I have a job. This job requires me to sow discord amongst brethen (Solomon et. al. -1015). Be confusing. Be offensive. But also be human. And transparent with a life that a person (me) was given. What was given can be taken away (Job et. al. -1900).
It’s been a while since I watched a female K-pop group? Why you might ask? Because I lust so easily after them. I would use them as fodder for my fantasies. So it’s been a long time since I did look at a group. I went ahead and watched G-idle NUDE NXDE (G-idle et. al. 2022). I was thinking of that old adage “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”. A lie a day keeps the doctor a’comin to kick you out (according to The Book). What did I see?
Women who are going to get old one day and lose their outer beauty.
Women who will no longer be valued once this outer beauty disappears.
Women who live in a society who is going to leave them aside after they are done with using up them. To be disposed of. To be treated like shit like the woman in The Assistant (Kitty G. et. al. 2019). When the main character’s co-worker complained about his sandwich that she was forced to get for him, I turned it off because I literally Shed A Tear (Kodaline et. al. 2018) in fake anger. (Because I am a fucking hypocrite, I watched porn for over ten fucking years). This is bullshit. I can’t watch that shitty man. But then again, I am The Dumbest Man In The Room (Thomas G. et. al. 2015).
And worst of all, by watching this video, I feel like I am participating in this madness. In this sheer objectification. Turning women into salt, like Lot’s Wife (Moses et. al. -1450), into objects. Nothing more, nothing less.
I was remembering what Daily Disciple (Daily Disciple et. al. 2022) said. “Looking is not lusting”. There is something about beauty that I can’t appreciate. Because all I can do – since I was twelve – and up till September of last year – is use the beauty of women – that transitory, outward beauty – for my own selfish gain. To feed into my messed up fantasies that I can’t remember at the moment of writing this. It took the effort of a psychologist, three guys, and The Girl (I have given half my heart to her even though she has rejected me. I will die on this hill. This is The Hill I Will Die On (Alec B. et. al. 2022)) to bring me out of that hell-hole. Now I am teetering on the fence, white-knuckling (like every psychologist would tell you NOT to do), feeling like I could fall to lust at anytime.
The thought to watch a sex scene from Prime’s Jack Ryan (Jeff Bezos et. al. 2019) was presented to me this morning. I was Home Alone (Macaulay C. et. al. 1990). I used to always watch porn when everyone was away. With seven people in a house, it’s hard to find the privacy to masturbate. Sometime it had to be the toilet, just to get that relief, that sex MUST BE MORE THAN JUST RELEASING TENSION (Jay Stringer et. al. 2018) – thanks for being right, Jay, the pastor I never had . I was always waiting for a perfect window, a great opportunity. I should be tired of watching “animals” fuck. I don’t mean that humans are animals, they are made most definitively made in the image of God (Moses et. al. -1450), but the lack of love as devolved us. Sin devolves humanity to animality. Love evolves animality to humanity. I am also an animal who wants to go back to being human again. Like that hairy dude in Beauty & The Beast (Walt D. et. al. 2017).
I believe I see a new quest coming up. The first quest is to make love with the idea of death (…). The second quest is to protect this little piece of paradise (…) I have found (at home). I have been living in paradise for over 220 days now (Since 14th of March … is it … inclusive?), since I was born again (…). The third quest is – to separate masturbation from lust (…).
Oh, I spent some more money today for no benefit. $18 for Write.As as an iOS App. Couldn’t figure out how to login. Got frustrated. Gonna Let It Go (Disney et. al. +2010). Take that money, watch it burn! (OneRepublic et. al. +2013). Man, even after those mantras, I still feel like absolute shit for spending like that. Spending money on pulse. My life is being lost! (+85)
I am metaphorically trippin’ without being on psychedelics. I was watching a doc about them, can’t remember the name so can’t reference.
By the way, gotta credit a guy for the idea to add references later. It’s a beautiful idea given by a beautiful man called Sam S. . He was a fellow physics PhD student (before I quit the PhD program like 21 days ago) who was a friendly vegetarian, healthy as fuck (rides his bike all the time – probably doesn’t have the beer belly that I have atm), and damn smart. Smarter than me. That’s why I partly left XD (just kidding … or not).
Just a creepo weebo here, tripping on the wire of masturbation, feeling good about himself that he doesn’t masturbate to images of God (Moses et. al. -1450) in his mind. What else does he have in this parody they call “life”?
What kind of prose am I writing? It’s not prose. It’s … deprose. It’s … deprosity. It’s … depravity.
Life is messy … for now. This is a post to reflect it (and I was going to write “just a post” but there is barely any justice in sight, and I am part of the fucking problem, a catastrophe and half-diseased (Imagine Dragons et. al. +2017)).
Do you find this confusing? I did my job beautifully.