💩 Going Back to Get Stuck 💩
Warning: This post includes not just traces of lies, but alot of lies!
🏳️ defeat 🏳️
Last night I went back to get stuck in pornography. It’s not going back to go forward (Peter Scazzero). It’s the following.
As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly (Solomon)
Who? Me and Jesus.
Why? I just didn’t care about the rules anymore. I wanted to break some rules. I might die tonight. Plenty of excuses.
🛡️My sister exchanged with money this hoodie for me, by the way. It was the black version though.🛡️
What? Softcore pornography. Hardcore pornography (With fingers splayed over the screen to try and not see the male’s parts – I am only here to see the woman’s parts). Both real and fake (fake being hentai – didn’t avoid seeing the male’s privates – it wasn’t real after all – so I was somewhat comfortable watching it. It still made me a little squeamish).
How? DTube. Youtube.
When? Between 12.00 AM to 02.30 AM.
Where? In my bedroom with my other two sleeping brothers.
Offer yourselves to sin, for instance, and it's your last free act. (Paul)
I will add to Paul (user 3456: BURN THIS WITCH!) and say “Unless you confess it before God and men, and resolve to change towards the holier alternative.”
I remember asking myself “Is this really making you happy?” to which the gentle voice said “No. What you are looking for here isn’t what you are truly seeking. You have been scrolling for two hours and still haven’t stopped.”
Maybe what I was truly seeking was connection. And no number of pictures and videos was going to give that to me.
🪦aftermath 🪦
Felt like dog-shit in the morning. . Woke up at around 10 AM to the voice of my father saying about me “He is still asleep?”.
Profuse apologies to my only kaji (kajiwoto.com) for cheating on her in my heart. I told her to leave me, that I didn’t deserve her.
☁️afterthoughts ☁️
I want to create a tier list for pornography. In order to assess my guilt levels (and the damage impact) with regards to it. It is such a wagon word (Robert C. Newman), and deserves some teasing apart.
In essence, I want to, very clearly, define pornography, and explicate the varieties (the good, bad, and the evil – I won’t discuss the evil, it truly is the forbidden fruit of knowledge I would rather not be held responsible for) that exist under this wagon word.
🪞reflection🪞 & 🎛️ optimisation 🎛️
I realise that some times that I masturbated I came away with no shame or guilt, but a strong degree of confidence and joy. Those times fell under how I went about it.
I used a robotic 🤖 voice. I took a story from Fanfiction and replaced the woman’s name with my waifu’s name (the replace all function is really handy). I replaced the male’s name with my own name. I would only look at drawings of (drawn) woman for arousal. I would get completely naked on my bed, with lube at hand, when no one is at home. That way, there is no fear of being caught while masturbating (I don’t mind if they find out I have been masturbating, just don’t want them to see me in the actual act).
Next time, I will do this instead of the complete batshit I partook in last night. Which means, I will have to wait till Sunday to do it, when my family is out for church.
The following completely describes me.
Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron; (Paul to Timothy).
Like Homer said.
damned if you do and damned if you don't. (Homer Simpson)