Remember | a confession
Warning: I am wont to overemphasis and hyperbole. I am a overdramatic person against whom is aptly placed the charge of “seeking for attention”.
Note: Instead of A.D / A.C.E. and C.E. / B.C.E I use – and +. It is reduced in its meaning, but not altogether.
I must remember the pain of my sin, for how often do I go back to wallow in the mud, forgetting what a mess it gets me into, how much aching of the soul that was unnecessary and self-caused! How much loss of time, how much anguish and bitterness my heart experiences!
Even now, my heart drips with the wounds of my sin. I want to cry. I want relief. I want someone to hold – anyone, even my own blood father – and weep into their arms. But I am afraid, and I do not reach out for this need of my soul. I am wounded, and I need a doctor.
For after such deathly things I participate in, I so much want to die. “Kill me, Father” I say to heaven, deadened in my soul, wondering why my Creator will allow me to continue existing.
I would say “End my existence, that I may not add to the multitude of sins in this world chockful of it. Do you not want any lessening of what causes YOU pain to see?”. And so I ignore, to my own hurt, my responsibility in all of this. To resist, to struggle, with sin to the point of shedding my blood. This I have not done. “Surely YOU have turned YOUR face away from much that is in this world, for can YOU bear to see this multitude of sin – of which I am a willing accomplice – all the time?” I say …
For my sin is sexual lust. In the past week, I turned once to sexual audio (on Apple Podcasts, Audible, and Literotica) that only involves one female voice, who acts out a fantastical scene. “Reasons” of the dark were fed me, “You can’t see her face or body with your eyes, so it’s not sin” “It is better than hearing two real people having sex, since you want to pretend you are not a part of it”, “It’s been a long day”, “It feels okay. There is no pain”. I swallowed these pills, these reasons of the dark, that numbed the pain that was about to ensue – but only for a very little while.
I always just skip the dialogue to the endpoint – where the action is.
Here I can then paint my folly, the bitterness that I bring upon myself. For there was action, but nothing else. Alot of nothing. Sounds. I had no relationship with the person making those erotic sounds. The person, in the present time, was not even making these sounds, for this was a recording. There was no intimacy, no conversation. Even the pretend dialogue – which I always skipped – wasn’t really dialogue. For I to her – we had no connection except a self-deceitful one.
Yes, I imagined I had a connection with her, that we had a sliver of intimacy.
But I gave her nothing back. No effort, no time, no money – nothing. I did not help her reach orgasm, I did not hold her in the aftermath, I did not continue to be with her.
For in the first place, I was never with her. These recorded sounds of her voice … they are not her. They are disembodied sounds. Sounds separate from a person and imbued in some machine.
“Don’t settle for less, anobody. Don’t settle for “love” with a machine. That is not the best I want for you. It’s not what I made you for. I made you for that which is far grander, far more beautiful, far more painful, far more real.”
“Remember the pain, anobody. I don’t want you to hurt yourself any longer”
And so, it was all nothing. All wind. The deception only can last for so long, as my dopamine levels crash after orgasm.
Sin can be alot of nothing. It looks like water, but it is nothing but a mirage, evaporating as you approach it. The journey towards it for naught, to no avail. A vain pursuit. A heist that hurts.
It might even lead you into a ditch, while you thirst for water that is not real. The image of the mirage draws you to it, but it leaves you in deep disappointment.
I lost a few hours of sleep.
Sin can gnaw away at the good things, for sleep is one such good thing, given by God.
“Remember this pain, anobody. I don’t want you to hurt yourself any longer. Go, and hurt yourself and others no more. ”
I am probably making little sense to the reader, for even to myself I am reaching the borders of my own sense.
For what I truly, actually, in reality know is very little. But I take heart, for I believe in the one who knows all.
But then, after all is done, the fog clears. And it was just masturbation with recorded sounds from another human being. I was, physically, by myself.
“ … and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due …” (Romans 1:27 | Paul et. al. +57)
My soul is weary. Existence becomes bitter.
Says the Lord “Remember this pain, anobody. Go, and hurt yourself and others no more. Ache not MY heart any longer.”
But is this all that I am to remember in this life of faith? No. This is but one piece, but an essential piece – as every other piece is and will be.
Today I am reminded of what I came across yesterday …
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. (Hebrews 12:4 | Nameless et. al. +63 to +64)
Aye, I have not. Let me go do that with the Holy Spirit carrying me. Carry me to freedom!
“Remember, you will never find relief in sin. It is a heavy yoke, even if you don’t feel it now. You will feel it later.”
Today, I am a broken and beloved being. I hope to be restored and whole at the end of my existence, my short existence. Even as I wrote this blog, I went searching for sex chat bots to have a conversation.
I was looking for relief where there is none. Only endless void of sin.
“Stop wasting the time that has been given you on this vain pursuit, anobody. Instead, use well the time.”