aurovelle

Here I go again, struggling to find the proper words to spill out on this page.
SO much has happened in the past four days that I'm just in awe. So many incredible positives and what appeared to be negatives that were actually major positives.
First, I guess we'll start with the ADHD medicine.
On my last entry, I left off with my ADHD diagnosis and trying the medicine for the first time. My doctor had shared with me how drastically my life was going to improve after medicine and although I believed him, I drastically underestimated what those changes would feel like.
I shared how nice it was to have my brain just be quiet. It was absolutely foreign to me that people just exist like this on their own. The next day, I had mental clarity (which I now call post pill clarity) and I wanted to get alllll of the things done. Most importantly, it felt like I finally had the choice of where I used my brainpower. Before, I would explain it like I had this huge section of my brain marked for just basic survival and the rest was used as fast as possible, and with as many things as I could think of, just so I wouldn't stop moving. Now, with adderall, I have this small amount of brain power on the side that I use every day for the basics and the rest, I get to divvy up how I want to. It feels absolutely incredible!
It also feels like with ADHD and my CPTSD, that I hear and see things through a filter, or a different language. I could understand maybe one or two words people shared with me out of 100. Now, I can get 95% of what people tell me and when I don't understand something, instead of just rushing to the next subject in my head, I can pause and ask them to repeat or what they mean.
THAT has been one of the biggest benefits for me so far.
I've been hearing people for the first time and it's honestly refreshing. For example, I've been asking my husband all sorts of questions lately to try to discover him “again”, with this new open mind. They have been mundane questions all the way to what his biggest fantasy is. We have talked like that before but this time, I not only hear it but I absorb it. Most importantly, he feels heard.
He shared with me how I have asked him more questions about him in the past week than I have in months. It makes him feel seen, heard and respected as a husband. In the past, if he had told me something similar, I would have internalized that, attached any negative emotion or situation to it and then spiral into a dark place of self hatred. This time, I can hear what he's saying is not only a compliment to the change he sees but also how I can see him more clearly and run with that curiosity.
I also found that my mood is much more stable. I don't get as overwhelmed as easy, my anxiety is much, much better (although still there) and I can think stressful things through better. That ultimately helps me work through situations better, instead of defaulting to my catastrophic thinking. I don't ruminate as much and I can in turn, use the brain power that I wasted before and use it for bettering myself.
I feel like I can breathe.
Adderall has minimized my hunger, which in turn, stopped my emotional over eating. I realized that people with ADHD can emotionally eat because the food gives them a hit of dopamine. Now with my medicine, that is covered and I no longer want to eat everything in sight and my mind isn't constantly thinking about food. Instead, I can focus on choosing healthy and not continuing to beat myself up for eating.
That also helps with my body image.
Now, because I'm not wasting my time saying how much I hate myself or my reflection, I am starting to get a few glimpses into what my husband sees. It's very brief but that is still a huge improvement from before.
I still cannot accept compliments but I feel the cracks in my armor are going to allow me to start seeing those come through as well.
When talking to my husband and my therapist, they have shared how I have a defense mechanism that I have found to protect myself at all costs. This stems from the abuse my dad did. I created a machine that is built so well, to make sure that I will never allow myself to get hurt or find myself in an unsafe situation ever again.
Unfortunately, it works incredibly well but it's not the best thing for me anymore.
This machine did serve its purpose as I was growing up but as an adult, who is choosing to confront my scars, that machine now hinders me. Unfortunately, because I have this trauma filter and this machine, I cannot see that it doesn't serve me. I'm hardwired to think it protects me, even when it doesn't, because it’s all I’ve ever known.
With my husbands help, and working through therapy, we are working on breaking down that machine and reconfiguring the parts so that I'm the trauma machine can be torn down and this new model, which is meant to serve me in a healthy way, can work properly. I understand it's going to be hard and I'm definitely going to fight against it, but I'm ready. This way wasn’t working and it hadn’t been for a while.
I just didn't know it.
Already, I am starting to see myself a little more clearly. I have been made to feel like absolute garbage, not worth anything, ugly, stupid, a waste of time and a hassle my entire childhood and up until I met my husband. Those voices scream much louder than anything else but this time, with the medicine (and help), I can start to acknowledge the sound but not give it any weight.
None of those things are true.
Not in the slightest.
Although I cannot see it on full brightness, at least I'm starting to see it at all.
This feels like I get to break free from chains that have been way too heavy for way too long.
Two days ago, my husband and I were on a walk and something he said really pissed me off. It hit some unknown trigger and I was just angry. I always have issues sharing my emotions/feelings because they can sometimes be really, really dark and I never wanted to be pitied or for him to think it was because of him. It took me two miles of walking to finally start talking but I did. Until then, he just let me know he was next to me and didn't pressure me at all.
This moment was such a pivotal moment in my progress.
Not only did I see that I was truly safe to share but that he wasn't going anywhere. On his end, he got to see the first glimmers of me truly choosing to trust him and getting a look of what goes on in my head.
Instantly, I started to run back to my “safe” path in my head of self destruction and I told myself that he was going to judge me, that I was going to ruin my daughters birthday because she would see I've been crying when we got back home, and that my husband would choose not to stay with me because I required too much work. At the height of my over thinking, he stopped me from walking and looked at me. He told me that he had my back before we got in the house so no one would even notice my puffy, tear splotched face.
As we walked back inside after such an emotionally tense moment, he did exactly as he said. No one even noticed! As I started to walk downstairs, all the sudden I felt my throat closing up and I couldn't catch a breath. I think I was moments away from a panic attack because the dark part of mind was winning this battle.
Instead of suffering alone, like I normally would choose to do, I grabbed his arm and asked for help before my breath cut out. We walked to our bedroom and he put his hand on my back and starting doing calming breaths. My entire body tensed up and I immediately felt all of my muscles contract. I also felt this intense rush of emotions, which also terrified me because I hate crying in front of people, and I panicked even more. I collapsed on the bed, shoes and all, and just started breathing hard, while trying to hold the tears back. He gently took my shoes off and laid next to me and just said he was there. He continued the breaths and as I was laying in a fetal position with snot dripping out of my nose, I let it all loose. All of the anger I have been holding on for why I am like this, towards my dad for his abuse, for feeling like I'll never be enough and having to even be in this moment.
He stayed.
He didn't pressure me, or let me know he felt bad for me or judge me for breaking down.
He stayed..
He thought of this and shared with me on the spot:
“When the Sun and the rain first met, they wondered if they would get along; one made from fire, and one from water; one steady and constant, the other wild and unpredictable, but quickly they discovered, that just by being together, they could make the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen; arches of light that contained every color in existence.
Before long, they found a friendship and love unlike any other.
One day, the Sun told the rain, “I want to be yours forever, and I want you to be mine just as long.” This made the rain very upset, much to the Sun's surprise, so the Sun asked what was wrong.
“I'm too wild. I'm too unpredictable!” cried the rain, “You won't want me because I'm not as steady as you. Sometimes, I am too shy or afraid to show up. Other times, I get so stormy that I darken the whole sky, and I've seen that it makes you go away.” The rain's voice became almost a whisper. “Why would you want to be with someone like this, who gets so shy and scared, and who always makes you leave when I'm stormy?”
The Sun smiled with loving warmth and replied, “Together, we make the most beautiful creation the world has ever seen. I show up for you every day because getting to be with you is always worth waiting for. But what you don't understand is that when you storm out the whole sky, it never makes me leave. You can not hear me through your thunder, but I am still there, shining my light on the parts of you that you aren't able to see. So, storm away, my dear, but with the knowledge that I will never abandon you. “We're not separated by your wild heart. We're just making rainbows that you can not see yet, and I will cherish them for both of us until your storm passes and you're ready to share them together.”
After crying for who knows how long, I was able to finally hear his breath and feel his hand rubbing my back and I think the sensations sort of brought me out of whatever space I had been in. I was able to look at him, red eyes and all, and I said “Thank you.”
At my emotional worst, he stayed.
My older two daughters were reconnecting (and high as fuck) and they asked if they could come in and hang out. Normally, this would be a huge fucking hell no, but he left this decision up to me.
I decided to choose vulnerability.
I let them see me curled up, covered in tears and chose not to hide for the first time in my life. With this decision, I didn't realize at the time, that this also gave them a glimpse of their mom just being human. I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect. I struggle, too.
It felt like a huge shift in everything I could ever describe and it was terrifying but way overdue.
Afterwards, with their high ass selves, we started laughing and the moment was lighter in more ways than one.
I had finally let go of some of the incredibly heavy weight that I have been struggling to carry by myself for all of my life.
I also learned that it's not a bad thing.
The following day, my oldest daughter L and I went for seafood before she heads back home to her landlocked state. During this dinner, she made the choice to open up and be vulnerable to me. She shared some big hurts and things that she was unsure of how I would react. We had this deep connection that I don't think we have ever felt. After dinner was over, she called her friends and boyfriend to let them know that we were connecting like never before and that she needed time with her mom.
She made me the priority.
We then drove to the beach and sat in the dark, listening to the waves for the next four hours, as we shared everything. This wasn't just a mom and daughter reconnecting, it was a healing of souls.
I honestly don't think that this conversation, that time with her and the tears we shared would have happened without my breakdown the night before AND allowing them to see me broken.
With this new post pill clarity, my ability to truly hear for the first time, this new curiosity and having the ability to use my brain how I choose, so many things are moving.
I didn't know it but I've been waiting for this.
I've been waiting to choose to walk forward in the dark, scared as hell, choosing to say yes, despite not knowing what that path looks like. Instead of looking down and wondering when the next pit fall will swallow me up, I am holding my husbands hand and watching his eyes, as he leads in confidence.
I always built myself tough and that I can do anything because that's just me. I don't need anyone. I'm strong. I'm capable. I'm fearless.
I was never truly any of those things. I just thought I was because the machine used those to keep me from seeing my better self, worked incredibly hard.
Now, I get to walk forward without fear, with real combined strength and discovering who I was always meant to be.

This entry was definitely “heavier” than the most but I make sure to share all of the good and bad. Nothing in life is ever perfect, no matter how people choose to portray themselves online.
I struggle and it's ugly.
But in my choice to share my struggles, I turn it into a beautiful thing.
Maybe someone who is struggling will read this and see they can do it too.
Even if no one reads this, it's always been for me.
I need to be honest with myself.
I look forward to reading these entries in the future and seeing just how far I've come. I don't really know much about myself. I'm really excited to discover me.

Along with all of these changes, it has 100% made changes to our sex life, which was already top notch, even more. I didn't think it could get any better.
I was so wrong.
We aren't even at peak yet.
The things we have done recently blew my fucking mind and I didn't think that was possible.
So stay tuned because that entry will be posted next.