I keep meaning to take the time to sit down and update but I always think about it and then forget or get distracted by other things. In my last post, I shared about how we were “restarting” our lifestyle with a new contract, collars and rules. The first two days were pretty awesome and then we had a few hiccups. They weren't terrible but it was enough to shake us for a day. It feels like it's so easy to let doubt take over or negative self talk win over how it actually is in reality. I know that for myself, I often tend to lean towards negative views of myself much more often than any positives. This is a huge reason why I have a really difficult time accepting any compliments. ( funny enough, I can take and enjoy praise during sex so I'm not sure why that's considered different in my brain. ) Anyyyyyyyways, we were able to communicate our issues effectively, even if it took me longer than I wanted to take to open up. One of the most dangerous things that I tend to do is assume that I know what the other person is feeling based off what I see. I will quickly form my own story of how they are doing and what they are feeling. I guess this is some sort of trauma response from growing up in an abusive household but honestly, I'm exhausted from all of the trauma responses. It often feels like I have so much to work through and have to re-learn all of these positive ways to work through things. Sometimes it's overwhelming but I try to remind myself that just by simply trying, that is movement forward. I have been listening to my heart chakra on when to do tarot pulls. So far, it hasn't lead me wrong. I have been trying to intentionally listen to my intuition more often instead of screaming over top of it with negativity. If I can just listen to my true self, my inner voice, I know that I will continue to be lead in the right direction, along with my husband. Sometimes it's hard when doubt is louder than it should be. To be completely transparent, I struggle with a lot. I have terrible anxiety, chronic depression, very low self esteem and confidence and it's probably looking like I am undiagnosed with autism and ADHD. ( These two often go undiagnosed because most studies were done on primarily boys and our symptoms aren't the same. Girls who don't have cognitive or behavioral issues aren't diagnosed as early as boys because we are able to mask better, which makes our symptoms harder to diagnose when we're younger. ) When you connect the last two things, so many things make sense. Autistic females tend to develop anxiety and depression, instead of the male counterpart of over activity or aggression. We also tend to come off more shy than most females, because we aren't quite sure how to fit in correctly with those around us. We tend to have issues fitting in socially, because we are worried about how we are coming off and what social cues we are missing. I can't tell you the amount of times I would run conversations through my head before going out or even looking up the menu from the restaurant that we were going to just so I would know what to expect and not be caught off guard. Although I do struggle with eye contact, I know it's not because of any diagnosis. My issues from not wanting to hold eye contact is because my abusive, narcissistic father would literally force me to look directly in his eyes, by forcing my face up with hands, when he was talking. I've always assumed it was a show of dominance on his end because he is so rotten to his core and always wanted to look bigger and more important than he was. It was easy to dominate over your children when you knew they didn't understand or know this wasn't normal. Autistic women also tend to have a heightened sense of smell, light, sound or touch can overload the senses. I have this BIG time. I used to think it was because when you're a mom, you can easily be “touched out” but then I realized it wasn't just with the kids. When I get into that overwhelmed state, I need to lay down in a dark, silent room with something also covering my eyes. It doesn't take me long to regulate once I realize what's going on but it can be really uncomfortable to deal with in the moment. I feel bad when my kids touch my arms or when my husband asks me for a kiss and I just don't have anymore spoons left. I will refill fast but I need a moment to collect myself. I am highly sensitive to sounds and those can set me off really quickly. I have noticed that sounds that bother me don't seem to irritate those around me, especially repetitive ones. I'm trying to work on this one because I hate how it affects me. Women with autism may also struggle to manage emotions and stay emotionally in control — meltdowns may include crying or displaying a temper. This.This.This. Pair this with how my dad always demeaned and belittled me, as well as making sure that I never felt important, lead to an adult version of me who feels the need to be heard completely before I can even start to understand your side of the story. I've noticed that my husband's brain works incredibly quick at piecing things together during arguments and coming to the conclusion that makes the most sense. I'm always like 8 steps behind and often asking for patience while I work to get there. I always do but it always takes more time that I would like. When I started to allow myself to be more patient with myself about it, it made it easier for me to work through the net of what I needed to do to work towards a solution quicker. Adult women with autism often choose careers and hobbies that require intense focus. I chose to be a wedding & boudoir photographer, which required a lot of focus on my end. I still, to this day, notice things about people or items in the background in videos or images because when I was documenting weddings, I needed to make sure that everything went perfectly. There were no redo's when it came to these couple's core memories from their wedding day. I needed to make sure every dress was smoothed, every image would have a clear, undistracted background for these couples. That never really went away for me. The funniest time that this pops out is when my husband and I are watching porn together. I often see details that he doesn't. While most obviously follow the “action” of the video, I'm focusing on the background decorative items, or where the bedspread is from or what tattoos/piercings the actors have, instead of the good parts of porn. I find it funny but also realize that I'm missing out on the whole point of watching people fucking. Autistic adults often “stim”, which is a repetitive behavior that calms them. For me, I will shake my leg repeatedly during arguments out of anxiety and I will twirl my hair when I'm lost in reading a book or watching a tv show. Autistic females often have co-occurring conditions likes Anxiety, ADHD, Depression, Eating disorders, Obsessive compulsive disorder, and Sleep disorders. While I can check all of those off, I do not have OCD or sleep disorders. The only time I will have issues sleeping is when I can't get my brain to quiet down and stop overthinking about things. This is usually at it's worse after an argument with anyone. I will re-run through every situation and word shared and wonder what I could have done better or doubt the things that I did say. That part super sucks and it's really draining. For the ADHD part, we are working on getting me officially diagnosed. Unlike autism, I don't think getting an official diagnosis of autism will help me in any way. I've learned my masking techniques and have found ways to work around them. I have taught myself ways to survive and I'm aware of what I'm doing. I am always open to finding ways to improve these though. For ADHD, I have trouble staying focused and on-task, I will hyper focus on projects and do anything to finish it during that time but when I lose my focus, I rarely come back to complete it. I have difficulty organizing what order I need to get things done. I tend to avoid boring or tedious tasks and I am prone to losing, misplacing or forgetting things. I'm also easily distracted by what’s happening around me ( mostly sound related for me) or by my own thoughts. ( The thought distraction is HUGE for me. My mind will easily wander to literally anything while anyone is talking to me, regardless of how important it may be.) I do have impulsiveness when it comes to buying things, which I find hilarious because I literally hate shopping. I also have a low frustration tolerance, a temper and issues dealing with stress. Things that bother most people will literally cripple me. I will over think things or obsessively think negatively things for much longer than I need to. My husband has been working with me on this one and it's helping, even if it's frustrating to me. I don't really have issues remembering appointments or chores but I do have severe anxiety about calling to make a doctor appointment and the day before I have to go in. I literally just had my annual OBGYN check up for the first time in 10 years because I let my anxiety win for way too long. I also have PMDD, which is common with women who have a family history of depression, postpartum depression, other mood disorders. Check, check and unfortunately, check. A few days before my cycle starts, I feel like a lunatic. Some of the symptoms I often deal with are a more depressed mood, sadness, hopelessness, or feelings of worthlessness. Increased anxiety, tension, or the feeling of being on edge all the time and mood swings with self-critical thoughts. I'll have frequent or sudden tearfulness with increased irritability, anger, or both. I'll have conflict with family, which is mostly directed at my husband. I'll have decreased interest in normal activities, lack of energy, overeating, being excessively tired and I'm easily overwhelmed or feel out of control. We have figured out that we usually tend to fight 2-3 days prior to my cycle starting. I have often mentioned that I'm aware I'm saying things that I know that I don't mean but I feel like I can't control it. As soon as my cycle starts, all of these symptoms wear off. My sex drive also goes into hyperdrive right before my cycle ends. This lasts right up until the 2-3 days before I am due to start again. This part, I totally love. Give me allllllll the sex, every day, as much as possible, please. Sir. My husband has been absolutely instrumental in helping to walk me away from the ledge of frustration and anxiety. He also calls to make appointments for me because he knows how absolutely excruciating this is for me. He is also helping me to stop my intense people pleasing. This one, I'm super bad at. I will often make sure those around me are okay, at the expense of myself. I will overwork myself to make sure that no one else has to feel a fraction of what I put myself through. In reality, I don't have control of that. People are going to feel whatever they are going to and I have to realize that it's okay. They are allowed their feelings, just the same as I am. He is working with me to actively let things go and let them be. Instead of letting my brain take over and overthink for hours and leave me so exhausted that I have little to give to those that I love, I am learning to just let go. Anxiety really boils down to not having control. When I had an panic attack on the plane on the way to Kentucky, it was because I had no control of the plane or if we would arrive safely. Instead, my brain reminded me that planes were crashing all around us, someone must have a bomb on the plane or that we would die in a crash and our children would grow up parentless. When I can objectively see that the majority of planes reach their destination safely, it's so much better on my brain. I often take too long to see that everything is going to be okay, despite what the anxiety tells me. So, I also didn't even mean to post all about this today. My intention was to post about answering the question during our last tarot reading about writing a letter to the version of me who lived before this lifestyle transformation. What would I think that version of me for? That was what my intention to write about today but I got side tracked. I guess I wanted to share that I'm learning about different aspects of myself that can affect how I communicate, how I can view things and myself, and that I'm worth the work that it takes to improve. I've spent so many years of my life feeling unworthy, either from my childhood or from self imposing, but even in my 40's, I can see that it's never too late to improve. On top of wanting to improve, I am worthy of it. That's a huge thing for me. When you've spent so many years in a deep pit of feeling unworthy, depression, anxiety, negative self thoughts, feeling like you aren't deserving of anything, like the love that you've found or the family that you've helped create, it can all feel so incredibly heavy. That's when you start to see the light at the end of dark pit and realize that you can rest. It's like I'm learning to breathe for the first time. Together, with my husband, we are learning to not only create a beautiful life together but also existing as our best selves. Will it be hard or will we have bad times? Of course. This time though, I am learning how to handle them a little bit better each time and that is the most beautiful thing. I am learning how to no longer be held down by the chains of my abusive past or by what I was taught growing up. In our dynamic, I choose to kneel and give over my submission because it's something that I trust him implicitly with. Our puzzle pieces fit perfectly, we just had to turn them the right way. He is a natural D/M, and I have realized this is a very rare natural trait. There are a lot of fakes out there who want what they can take from you and never fill you back up or help you create your best self. This is extremely dangerous and is not how this is meant to go at all. This dynamic is about lifting each other up in our own ways. It's not always about proving your strong or submissive. It's about being who you are supposed to be, without unabashedly. It's about learning to let go of the embarrassment, fear, negative thoughts and giving in to who you've always been. I look forward to clearing off the mud that I've covered myself in for years and discovering the golden version I've been waiting to be.