If I were to write a letter to the version of me who lived before this transformation, what would I thank her for? – To my childhood self, my first deep gut answer is to thank me for protection. Although my necessary protection came with some not so great aspects, like close to impenetrable walls to keep myself safe, the ability to protect myself at all from the abuse from my childhood is something I'm incredibly grateful for. Without it, I think my father would have broken me and easily burned me to the ground without looking back. He came close to doing so with my sister and my childhood best friend but they also formed different techniques to survive the rotten, disgusting person he is. For me, I spoke back. It took more from me than I wanted, so I stopped fighting back and it felt useless. This didn't translate well into adulthood because it lead to me feeling the need to fight for everything, even when I didn't need to. He saw something within me that he was scared of and I really think that's why he didn't choose to sexual abuse me. I was never good at staying quiet and he knew it. His secret would have never been kept quiet, no matter what threat he could have made. So for my childhood self, I'm thankful for the protection that I was able to create within my chaotic childhood. – As an adult, I am thankful that I choose to never stop moving forward in growth. It's never easy but so far, it's always been beyond worth it. I'm thankful that I have learned to appreciate my inner voice, even if I don't always listen to her, and that my instincts are strong. This has been another form of protection that my inner self has used to make sure I'm taking care of myself. Choosing yourself isn't easy and can often feel incredibly selfish, but its necessary. So, I'm thankful that I have the ability to create change within myself from the chains that used to hold me down and to look forward to what I deserve. I am eternally grateful that I listened when the universe put T in my path and told me to run with him. He was for sure the best decision that I've ever made in my life. – To myself today, I am thankful that I am learning how to be more confident. I have spent entirely too many years making myself small, or fit into a box that I thought others wanted to see me in. Instead of realizing that wasn't for me, I did what was easy and conformed, chipping away at myself without realizing it. I am thankful for choosing therapy. I spent so many years being so fearful of therapy after being told it was for weak minded people and those who were desperate. It's the exact opposite and it has been literally life changing. Therapy has (and is) giving me better tools to communicate, ways to overcome what has held me down and to step into the version of me that has been covered for too long. It's working through shame, regret, pain, negativity, self-hatred and learning to truly love yourself, flaws and all. I'm thankful that I'm learning to be kind to myself, even if it's slower than I would like. I'm also thankful that I am comfortable in my sexuality. When you grow up in a church where women are continually seen as less than, it's hard to see that who you are is okay. You're better than okay. In fact, you're fucking amazing and you hope to see it soon. What emotional “tools” or habits once served me but are now too heavy to carry forward? – I think that leaving behind the need to fix everything immediately so that everyone around me can feel comfortable is the biggest one. I lived for so long in a dark place where I felt that I was only important if I was doing something right. This also lead to me putting out fires as quickly as possible, regardless if they were mine or not. Fake happiness was better than none, right? I think learning that not everything is a panic situation has been super important. It's okay to sit with feelings and actually work through them. It's okay to share feelings. Just because I share deep parts of me doesn't mean they will leave or think less of me. In fact, the ability to share is in a strength, not a weakness. I think learning that it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to be sad and it's okay to admit you aren't doing well. Most importantly, I don't have to do it all myself. I now have a partner, as well as friends and my own children, who would literally move mountains if I asked for help. I have learned that asking for help is also strength, not a flaw. It's okay to rest. It's okay to take time and do something that I enjoy. It's okay to be still. Those three are really hard for me but I'm trying. How can I choose, one small moment at a time, to trust the life and dynamic that my husband and I are building together? – I think the biggest thing that I can do is acknowledging the good parts. I'm not talking about the best parts, I'm talking about the good ones. Often, the good ones get over looked because they aren't quite enough. If I can learn to celebrate and acknowledge the small moments, the bigger ones will form the full picture. These small moments can also provide a lifeline of positivity for me when the world feels too heavy in the moment. I easily get pushed down under negative feelings, which is such a disservice to myself. Choosing to see the small moments will show me that my doubt isn't louder than reality. I think if I can apply the implicit trust and faith that I have in my husband, I can slowly start to let go of my walls, my fears and my doubts and replace them with well intentioned decisions that are made in my best interest. It's choosing to let go, knowing that I'm placing the reigns in the best hands possible. So I've been slowly using this journal as a venting space, as well as a place to share our spicy moments. I think the yin/yang of these posts is beautiful and freeing. I will go back to sharing the nasty details of our sex life because honestly, that shit is beyond fun. I'm proud of who we are. As we continue to move forward in our dynamic, I am excited to see what incredible moments we share together. I won't always brag about them but let's be real, I will 90% of the time. For the rest of 2025, I look forward walking into my sexual abilities. I want to hone in on what I want to improve sexually (so far deep throating, swallowing his load while deep throating, shibari, and learning to be more comfortable completely naked) and I want to continue to explore who I am. I am a woman who loves to sexually please my partner and I'm here for it. For so many years I feel like I just existed, scared to address my deep scars. Now I want to walk proudly on the path we are laying together. Somedays I feel fucking invincible. I'm looking forward to more of those days.