I am not broken. I am becoming.
Today with my therapist, we discussed how I have severe issues when it comes to spending money on myself, truly relaxing (not just my mind, but also my body) and where that stems from.
Sometimes I get really exhausted when we have sessions and almost everything points back to something in my childhood. I mean it makes sense but it’s also super exhausting. I’m learning how to deal with the anger that comes along with dealing with the trauma. It always seems like once I handle one thing, four more are right behind it, waiting to weigh me down.
I have suffered for a very long time in different stages of intense self hatred.
A lot of it stems from what I see in the mirror, what my brain makes me feel is true, and the spiral of negative thoughts that tend to happen so quickly with me.
Lately, I’ve been struggling hard with negative self view and emotional eating.
One feeds the other and the result is never great.
I’m working with my therapist on acknowledging these thought patterns before I can even begin to learn how to rewrite them. When I’m in these spirals, I go deep. It’s hard to look up and the light feels so far away when I’m hating everything about myself. During these spirals, some days are mid but most are disastrous.
Sometimes my brain is a really ugly place to be.
This is me choosing to hear these lies and understanding that I deserve better and always have. Even though the trauma from my childhood left me with deep scars, I am more than those scars, even if my brain doesn’t see it.
Yet.
It’s a really odd place to be when you see the negative patterns, understand what causes them and now you have to actively choose to work really fucking hard every day, all while feeling like that hard work will never be enough.
I’ve always felt like I’m not good enough or that I don’t deserve things. On rare days when I have a mini breakthrough and I start to feel decent about myself, I quickly sabotage it. I then find the next thing to hate about myself, because there will always be something, and focus on that.
I would never condone anyone else treating themselves this way, yet I continue to swim in self hatred.
My therapist asked me to name a time in my life where I truly relaxed and I honestly couldn’t tell her one.
That breaks my spirit in a way that I wish it didn’t. She pin pointed to how I learned to feel these things because of what I saw and experience growing up. These actions and behaviors directly taught me what was “normal” and what my worth was.
Now I have to untangle it all and realize that what they did to me isn’t who I am now. Yes, their behaviors and actions shaped me but now I get the chance to reshape myself into the person I never got to be.
That’s a pretty powerful thing.
It feels really, really daunting but I’ve done much harder things.
I can do this..
Tonight I felt the need to do a tarot reading, something I haven’t done in a while.
My intention while shuffling and pulling the cards was dealing with the thoughts and intentions revolving around negative self talk, emotional over eating and not being able to get my eating under control, as well as my low self worth.
Here was my reading:
Queen of Wands
This is you, at your core. Confident, passionate, radiant. She’s not afraid to take up space, but when you’re feeling low, this energy might feel more like pressure than potential. She’s a reminder: That bold, powerful self is still inside you. She hasn’t gone anywhere. But to access her, you may need to reconnect with your sense of purpose and pride. She suggests: you are capable, you’ve just forgotten.
10 of Pentacles (Reversed)
This points to deep-rooted patterns, often ones picked up from family or culture. Your relationship with food and self-worth may have roots in generational beliefs, unspoken expectations, or feelings of not fitting into a certain “ideal.” It could also reflect a lack of long-term stability, maybe you’re caught in cycles that feel too big to break. But reversed, it signals a chance to disrupt that cycle. You don’t have to carry forward what you inherited.
3 of Swords
This card hurts. It’s heartbreak, plain and simple. In this context, it looks like emotional wounds tied to how you see yourself, how you were treated, and maybe how you punish yourself. Food might be the way the pain talks when you don’t know what else to say. But this card isn’t just pain, it’s also truth. It reveals what needs healing. You’re not making this up. It’s real. And now it’s time to tend to that heart.
Page of Cups (Reversed)
This is your inner child, curled in on herself. She wants love, softness, and creativity, but she may not know how to ask for it. Reversed, it’s emotional immaturity, not as a flaw, but as unmet needs. You may be trying to soothe old pain with food because you didn’t get what you needed emotionally at the time. This card invites you to re-parent yourself, gently, consistently, and with compassion.
( This reparenting is exactly what my therapist has been talking to me about.)
The Moon (Reversed)
The lies we tell ourselves, the illusions we live in, the fog we can’t quite escape. Reversed, this is about clarity trying to break through. You know some of your thoughts are distortions, but they still feel real. The Moon reversed says: trust your gut more than your fear. Name what’s really there. Bring it into the light. Especially the subconscious beliefs about your body, your worth, and your ability to change.
4 of Cups (Reversed)
You’re not fully checked out, you’re starting to reach for something new. This card reversed can indicate an awakening from numbness or apathy. Maybe you’re starting to want change again. This is hopeful. It says you’re at a tipping point. You’re not ignoring the problem, you’re just scared that what you reach for won’t work. Still, it’s time to try something new.
Oracle Cards
Collaborate
This is your reminder: you don’t have to do this alone. Support is vital. That could mean therapy, a health coach, a friend you check in with, or even just not isolating when you feel the urge to spiral. Healing often starts with connection. Shame thrives in silence, so this card encourages you to break that silence.
Memory
This feels like trauma residue. Past experiences with food, family, shame, or your body still live in your system. These memories shape how you react now, even if they’re no longer happening. This card suggests honoring those memories without letting them steer the wheel anymore. Name them, grieve them, and gently put them in the past.
The Warrior
You are fighting something real. This card validates that. But it also says you have more strength than you realize. This isn’t about white-knuckling it, it’s about resilience. About reclaiming your sense of power, especially over the parts of your life that have felt uncontrollable. The Warrior shows up when you’re ready to stop surrendering your power to self-doubt.
The Merchant
This one is about value and it’s asking you: What is your worth? Are you negotiating your value away? Are you seeing yourself as something to be earned or improved before you’re lovable? The Merchant reminds you that your worth isn’t up for sale. It already exists, whether you feel it today or not.
⸻
The Message As a Whole
You’re in the thick of a battle between what you believe about yourself and what’s actually true.
• Your truth: You are powerful, capable, loving, and worthy of care.
• Your wound: Somewhere along the way, you were made to feel like you weren’t.
• Your habit: When that pain resurfaces, you try to numb it, often through food, self-criticism, or checking out.
• Your opportunity: Call your power back. Ask for help. Reparent yourself. Grieve what hurts. Tell yourself the truth, even when your brain screams otherwise.
The cards aren’t saying you’re broken. They’re saying you’ve been hurt, you’ve been surviving, and now you’re ready to move toward healing. And you don’t have to do it perfectly.
I am not broken. I am becoming.