I'm in a particularly feisty mood. It's been three days since we've been able to do anything fun with each other and I'm going absolutely crazy. He has been sick for almost a month between the flu, a cold, bronchitis and whatever else this new one is. I have days where my cough is worse than others and I have little energy but my drive is there. I told him I was desperate and needed release because it was making it hard for me to sleep. We made plans last night to get some time together and then I got nauseous and he wasn't feeling well. As desperate for him to make me come as I am, I do not want to do anything if it makes him feel worse or leaves either of us sicker for longer. It's just not worth that. Today, I gave in and pleased myself for the first time in I don't know how long while he’s away. (years maybe?) It wasn't anything special, the vibrations are annoying because they aren't my lovers tongue and I don't see stars like I do when he's between my legs. It did take the edge off, temporarily, but I crave him. It's absolutely insane how much my desire/need is for his cock, mouth, cum and his voice. Everything about him is fucking hot. I'm so love sick and I love it. My husband reads this blog (and he has one that I read from him) so he already knows this but I asked him to punish me for pleasing myself when he gets better. This is so, so, so exciting to me. There's something about begging for your partner to give you pleasure and pain at the same time. The two feelings feed off each other and increase the levels of both. I realize this isn't for everyone but for me, give.it.all. to me. please It doesn't help that I'm reading a book series that is full of sexual deviants that I can relate with. I picked up the Legacy of Gods series by Rina Kent and I have been entranced since. These books are chefs kiss. The first book had a character who reminded me of parts of T that got me hooked. The second book has me absolutely enthralled. The MMC Creighton looooooves to inflict pain and the MFC Annika is learning that she's beyond turned on by it. It's such a thrilling read and gets me fucking riled up. Of course Creighton reminds me of T in ways and its absolutely.fucking.hot. Such a turn on. It also doesn't help that T's last journal detailed the things he wants to experiment with and had words that I don't even see in my nasty books. Pair that with the fact that we haven't been able to do anything for three days because of sickness, I am absolutely feral. The best part is that T always knows how to take care of me, the same way I make sure he's taken care of. On top of the spicy book, my dreams have been filled with dirty scenarios that T and I take on and each night is a different one. Now that I'm thinking of it, maybe I should write these down so that they can become reality. So I've been in an absolute state with no release so I gave in today. Pleasing yourself just isn't fun. I don't care for it. Like T says, why would I want a peanut butter sandwich when I can have a 5 star meal? I'm ready to be feasted upon. In turn, I'm ready to feast on his dick. Like yesterday and the day before and every day since. I absolutely cannot get enough of him. He tastes so good and knows how much pleasure I get from tasting him. It's funny because I can remember times where I didn't want his cum to touch me. Like nut in me or away from me. I didn't want to see it, taste it or feel it. Now, I view those times as such wasted moments. I never want to waste a single drop because that shit is gold to me. Currently, we are working on him coming while he's deep in the back of my throat and me being able to take it. It's something else and I'm not used to it yet. I haven't quite adjusted to relaxing my jaw enough or not kickstarting my gag reflex. Even if I gag, I don't spit it out. It's mine. I won't waste any of it. From my past entries, you know that I have a dream of watching him fuck another woman. I've already seen him make other females come apart while his mouth was between their legs and it was fucking hot. I would absolutely love to watch him fuck another girl but I am not sharing his cum. It's mine. This is one of the only things I get jealous and possessive of. The only way I would share is if we both shared it but it's mine first. Anyways, I would like to get better at deep throating while he comes. It's my mini goal for 2025. Totally taking a left turn from all of the spice, I read a post from a friend today where she shared a quote from a six time Mt. Everest summit climber, Melissa Arnot Reid. She was asked if the average person has what it takes to climb Mount Everest and her response was “ It depends on how much childhood trauma you have. People who have experienced horrific traumas have this inherent belief that we deserve to suffer, so we seek that out.” That stopped me in my tracks because I can fully understand that sentence. My mind immediately went to feeling bad for craving the pain or maybe wondering if that's why getting tattooed doesn't bother me. Am I just that fucked up from trauma? Then I snapped the fuck out of it and told myself that it doesn't truly matter. I'm choosing a “suffering” that doesn't affect anyone else and also brings me pleasure. This also reminded me of R's comment where she stated that she “earned little badges for BDSM” from the trauma that she experienced from her childhood. I get that view but I refuse to live in that. Heal how you need but for me, if I can turn any of these traumas into something that benefits me, I'm fucking going for it. Maybe it's fucked up in a way but turning trauma around for something that benefits me is healing. I'm with a partner who understands with me, who's willing to experiment with me and who loves me for every flaw that I have. Is my masochism a flaw? Even if it is, I don't care. I think we're all a little fucked up somehow and we find out best way to work through it. One of my ways is just being insanely turned on by being inflicted with pain. (And from what I've seen in the BDSM community, Im definitely not the only one.) I'm excited to spend time learning what I like, what he likes to do to me and where our boundaries as a couple are. I look forward to our sex like people look forward to a vacation. Is it fucked up? I don't care. I spent too many years of my life being squeezed into this small box that my dad tried to make me believe I was worth or I thought people wanted me to be in. I refuse to be small anymore because I'm fucking worth it. I may not always feel the worth or view myself in the best light but I will never stop trying. Do I have things to work on? Absolutely. I think my journey of going to therapy after cutting my parents out of my life has a direct parallel to me discovering how powerful I am. I was held down (and not in the fun way) for so long and when I was finally strong enough to stand up and say no more, that's where I began to blossom into this version of me. I look forward to continuing to learn who I am. So far, it's pretty great.