It seems that my new habit is coming here about once a month to let an entry spill from my fingertips and then I'm off until the following month. I don't plan it that way, it's just how it naturally works. For now.
I told myself that I won't pressure myself to write here and only do it when I feel lead to. So I guess right now it's about every 30 days.
A lot has changed but I'm not ready to take the time to sit and write all that out yet. It involves the “man” who raised me (who my friend affectionally uses the clown emoji for when we talk about him) and it's already been so incredibly emotionally draining for me. I do need to get those words and feelings out into the world to release them, I just can't yet.
My spoons are all used up for now.
I have been writing in a paper journal lately, as well. I do a daily gratitude journal where I share three positives, what would make a great day and a positive affirmation every morning. At night, I share three good things that happened to me and one thing that I learned. I absolutely dreaded finding the right journal and the internal pressure that I place on myself to stick to these habits that I want to form. Instead of drowning in my own anxiety and stress for literally no reason, it's okay if I skip a day. So far I haven't, but I hope that if I do, I can mentally be kinder to myself than I have in the past.
I also started a daily tarot journal. I saw an ad come up on IG for a daily tarot journal but it was $60. I was willing to pay it, until I looked up reviews. I decided to just buy a $10 journal and follow the same sort of standard entry. I pull one Tarot card and one Oracle card each day and write what the cards could mean, the message, along with a question for myself to answer. Yes, I definitely use AI to help me with this and I'm thankful for it. I'm on a week for that and so far, I really look forward to that entry. I think it's the fun sort of unknown of what the cards may be for that moment. So far, the Universe has totally been calling me out on my shit and I guess I kind of deserve it. I'm trying to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable and the Universe is making sure I stay on that path.
Anyways, total ADHD moment....
I actually came here to write about an emotional moment that I had this morning. I don't cry often and I find myself holding my emotions deep inside allllll the time. I think I've narrowed this down to having to do this since I was a young child so I'm just used to it. This is a common thread in my story and then being shown how these learned trauma habits no longer serve me. I was driving home from dropping my daughter off at school this morning and I noticed how beautiful our fall leaves are. In our state, the leaves are absolutely stunning for about 2 weeks before we fall into this deep, depressing pit of winter. But when they are showing all of their beautiful colors, man, they are gorgeous.
My oldest daughter (who moved to another state to live with a boy who she was madly in love with at the time) absolutely lovvvvvves the fall leaves and this time of year. Unfortunately, where she moved, they don't have the traditional fall like we do, or even a lot of grass. So as I dropped my youngest daughter off, my mind wandered to my oldest daughter, living half a country away.
As a family, we would take a weekend and drive down the parkway just admiring the leaves and reading the historical signs. We enjoyed being in nature, taking photos and admiring how beautiful the change of seasons can truly be.
When we took our last trip to view the leaves with her, I didn't know at the time that would be the last time. When she visited last year, we tried to go but the timing didn't work out and our favorite road we traveled each year is closed down for repairs. My mom heart was blind to the fact that this moment was most likely the last time I would have all four of my children together, doing something we all loved. So today I slowed down and took a moment to admire the colors and instantly, my eyes started to well up. I thought of my oldest daughter L and how I wish she was here to witness another change of year here with us. On one hand I want here here and on the other, I am so glad she's out there living her best life, the way she is supposed to. I found it out that I was crying my eyes out now and not as much as I thought I would when I watched her drive away with that boy she loved, in a car stuffed to the brim with her belongings on her way to start her new life states away from us. Don't get me wrong, I did cry. This year, it's like my heart took notice of the time away from her and truly registered how long she has been gone.
Being a mother is such a beautiful and painful experience. The way I grew up is different in so many ways than how I raised my own kids. For example, I was told that one day I would see how awful kids are when I have kids of my own. I'm not sure what the exact point of telling your own children this because it's actually a reflection of your shitty parenting but I couldn't see that yet. When I did have kids of my own, they weren't awful, they weren't shitty and I absolutely loved it. Of course not every day was magical but nothing ever is. The good has always, always, always outweighed any bad parts of parenthood. So with that same sentiment, I can be incredibly proud that she's out there living her life the way she wants to and also missing having her near me, just a simple 5 minute drive away. Our relationship wasn't always the best but when she moved, we really connected. During her last trip here, we sat at the beach and talked for hours. She really opened up about some of the hurts that we caused her over her lifetime and also shared ways that I can improve things with our younger two.
I would have never been able to have that conversation with my parents. Ever.
They would have viewed it as a slight to them as parents, instead of seeing it as a gift. I get the insight of my parenting from someone who has experienced my growing parenting style and someone who has witnessed the changes and growth I continue to make as not only as a mom, but also as a person. I won't lie, my brain went there for like .00002 seconds. Why should I have to listen to her? She has no kids and she's only 20, so what could she possibly know or have to offer to me? I'm blessed that I was able to realize that was actually my “parents” voice and not mine. Me as a parent, was prepared to hear whatever she had to say and treat her with kindness. This is something I would have absolutely loved to have growing up and here I was, being given the opportunity to offer her something I could only dream of experiencing. The things she shared weren't nearly as bad as my overly anxious mind made them out to be and I was insanely grateful that she trusted me enough to even have that conversation. Even thinking about doing that with my “parents” fills me with dread. So even if I did make mistakes as a parent (because we all do), at least this was a little sign that I did something correct.
annnnnnnddddd.....back to the point.
God, ADHD sucks sometimes.
I was all in my feels about having one of my four kids so far away during a time we used to all be together. I then started to run memories of her through my head from when she was born, to when she would form her own words, when she started walking, when she brought friends home, when she graduated school, when she got her first car, when she moved away, etc. That then sent me on a tail spin of realizing how all of my kids are growing so fast. Her oldest sister V is just 15 months younger than her. They are getting their first car tomorrow, works a full time job and is exploring the world on their terms. As a parent who has sent one off into the world to live authentically as themselves, I now have the perspective of what that feeling is. Now, with my last three (and especially the younger two) I know what to expect, mostly. None of their stories will be the same but my heart strings will be tugged all the same. So I can now look at my son who is 11, who has his own unique interests and my daughter who is 9, and seeing how close she is to starting middle school. I am well on my track to seeing them walk out the door for the last time with a hug and a wave, as they venture off to live in this world without me.
So the feelings got me and I tried listening to my therapist and just letting the emotions flood. I ended up messaging my oldest how much I missed her, told her about the leaves and let her know how insanely proud of her that I am. She reciprocated with a beautiful message back to me and my soul could smile a little bigger knowing that we have this connection.
The way I was raised wasn't great, and I'm not even completely sure that I can see the entire scope of how bad it actually was, but in the end, that doesn't matter. What does is how I am here, undoing what they managed to break within me so that my kids don't leave our nests with broken wings.
My husband and I want them to fly freely, explore everything and be whoever they want to be.
Every child deserves to live like this.
Every adult deserves it, too.
If you're one of the adults who didn't get this as a child, it's never too late to start parenting yourself. It won't always be easy but it will always be worth it.