It's been a while since I've had the time to stop by and spill my thoughts here.
I looked back and already, 2025 is almost over. I feel like as we get older, we just catch ourselves always saying “Where did the time go?”, especially so if you have children.
Life has been....“lifing” lately.
One of the biggest things for me has been finding regulation with my ADHD medicine. I found out that my prescriber started me out on the max dose of Adderall that you can prescribe. What she was actually supposed to do was start at the lower end and titer me up until we found the correct dosage for me.
Then, she increased it again.
She prescribed me the same amount narcoleptics receive and I had no idea. These are the types of things that you shouldn't find out through random reddit users.
She seems to not spend a lot of time talking or listening, and instead, she spends a lot of time just passing out pills, which isn't my thing at all.
So we found a new prescriber and she is switching me from 60mg Adderall to 50mg Vyvanse with a IR kicker in the evening, if needed.
Adderall has helped with symptoms and does work for me but with IR, it leaves me with crashes that just aren't worth it. Plus, I'm already above the top dosage allowed, so it leaves no room if my body gets used to the medicine.
One of the big positives from my diagnosis and medicine is that it has super curbed my appetite. The more I learn about ADHD, the more I see where some of my actions come from. Although I may still be an emotional eater for various reasons, like trauma, I also learned that ADHD brains seek out dopamine. A lot of us with this neurodivergence tend to reach for sugary type things to get that fix and that was so me. With the lack of appetite, my sugar addiction and food noise in my head has stopped. I can use my brainpower for more important things, like getting things done or focusing on what's next.
It's honestly so nice.
I look back at the time prior to my diagnosis and I don't know how I was surviving. I mean, I know I had to, but I guess I had no frame for how difficult it was until I had help from medication.
One of the downsides of the medicine is that it heightens my emotions, especially around my luteal phase. I already had issues around that time but with a stimulant medicine, it's increased ten fold. It took me longer than I'd like to realize this. Thankfully, my husband was able to pin point that it's been about a month and that coincides with when I started Adderall. The new prescriber is going to help me with that after we find out if Vyvanse is the right medicine for me.
One thing at a time.
I have always been super short on is patience. This is no different. Now that I know I feel better, I just want to get to the point where we have it all figured out and I can thrive.
I also know it doesn't work that way.
Along with the appetite suppression, I've been focusing on eating healthier foods, so that I can optimize the food when I do eat. My husband and I have also been walking twice a day, around 7 miles total, and I've lost just over 15 pounds already! My self worth has always been tied to how I feel about my reflection and body, which isn't great but I'm working on it. To feel better and to know that I'm working on things the right way, it really inspires me to keep going.
I have a solo boudoir session December 19th and I really wanted to hit a certain number on the scale prior to this session. Then all of this shit with my parents happened, therapy, discovering I have ADHD & PTSD, all while trying to work through my anxiety, on top of raising kids and a household. I learned that the number doesn't (or shouldn't) define me as a person or how I view myself. Unfortunately, that is how I've spent my life and breaking those habits are really, really hard, but I refuse to give up. I even thought about canceling my photo session, which would forfeit the $5,000 price, all because I was too scared. What I'm learning is that sometimes you just have to do it scared. For me, things being unknown are incredibly scary and make me back way the fuck off so quick. The unknowns are just me not being able to control the outcome, because I was used to living in chaos and neglect, so I always wanted to know what was coming next.
Unfortunately, life just doesn't work that way, no matter how much you wish it would.
I'm trying to do more things scared. Actually, quite terrified, but still stepping forward despite the hesitation in my head for what may be in front of me. Some days I am definitely better at this than others but the goal is to just keep the momentum forward.
In therapy, we are trying to address why I turn into such a complete cunt during my luteal phase, what I can do to help navigate that, how I can get a grip on my overwhelming feelings when I don't know how to stop them, and controlling my overwhelming thoughts attached to anxiety.
One of the biggest things that my therapist is having me work on is naming good things that I have done in my life, whether it be for me or for other people. I struggle hard to see any postives when it comes to myself. My husband can tell me how sexy I am a million times a day and I will be ready with disbelief each time, while also preparing my mind to ignore the next time he says it before the words or thoughts even happened.
It's really self destructive and dangerous.
I would never, ever treat a friend like the way that I treat myself. So why do I allow my trauma based brain actions to continue to dictate my life? Because change is really fucking hard and although these actions served as protection for me for so long, they don't anymore. They have stepped over into harmful and no longer constructive. I can see what I need to change but actually doing it is the tough part for me.
So my oldest daughter, who lives out of the state, just went through a major three year relationship breakup, where she is discovering who she is and what she deserves. She immediately went into a new relationship headfirst and it didn't work out. She was allowing all of the heaviness to weigh her down instead of seeing just how far she's come.
I gave her this piece of advice: Imagine you have this friend who moved out of the house at 19/20. She supported herself, worked full time, bought a car, pays all of her bills, moved across the country on her own, survived a traumatic and abusive three year long relationship, managed to move out to her own apartment in a state where she has no family, found a good paying job, made close friends, paid for herself to fly cross country to visit her family and to take her beloved childhood cat back home, stood up to this new boy and told him what she isn't willing to take and also stuck to her word.
All of those things are pretty fucking amazing when you list them out that way.
After I shared that with her, I told her that friend we just described is actually YOU. Can you see how far you've come and how this moment doesn't define you? She started to cry and thanked me.
I shared this in therapy and literally, as the words were leaving my mouth, I thought about how I need to apply this to myself. I struggle to see anything positive in myself, despite the signs around me that tell me that is obviously wrong.
So I think I might handwrite a letter to myself in the same way that I talked to my oldest daughter. Maybe this will help me bypass the guilt, self hatred, low self esteem and negative thoughts and allow me to see and receive the things that I need to realize.
I don't know if it will work but it's always worth the try.
I will definitely be doing this super fucking scared.
But I'll still be doing it.
Depending on how that goes, I may share the list here. I'm not really sure yet. I know that I want to write down the thoughts and words in a paper journal because my therapist shared with me that can help with racing thoughts because our hands can't write as fast as our brain thinks. On top of that, I will see my hand forming the letters, read them and also be able to go back and see these things in my own handwriting.
I already assume this will be very draining for me but I'm working myself up to the task.
I can't fight it anymore. I need to just do it.
Scared or not, here I go.