I've never been on such a fucking high in my entire life.
I'm hesitant to credit these changes to my new ADHD medicine but...never mind, I totally credit them. Life has gotten heaps better since I was diagnosed and medicated. I always felt like something was “off” but I didn't know what. Once I was tested for ADHD and (spoiler alert, I passed) started taking medicine, it's like the clouds opened up and I could see the sun in all it's glory for the first time in my life. I would sometimes catch small glimpses but I didn't know how heavy the clouds were for most of my life.
I shared in my last entry how I feel like I finally get to choose how to use my brain power and it's literally making all the difference.
Where is the biggest noticeable change?
The PG answer is how I can properly receive words, meanings and intentions when people talk with me, especially my husband. I didn't realize how hard I struggled with this before medicine.
The rated R answer?
Our sex life.
In the past two+ years, our sex life has been fucking amazing and when I share some of our sexual adventures, people don't believe us. We fuck often and my husband comes multiple times a day.
Every.Day.
My sex drive is insatiable and we connect on such a higher level.
I mistakenly thought we had reached our max when it came to our sex life.
I was soooo wrong.
Along with the brain power bonus, my body has completely let go of all restraints and chains. We realized it one night while he was pounding away at me while I was laying beneath him. My legs were rested on his shoulders and everything was feeling beyond great. All the sudden, my body voluntarily relaxed and my knees where near my ears, he fucked deeper and harder, and we realized that I had fully relaxed during sex for the first time. Even though I make noises and moans, I learned I was even holding those back as well. From that moment on, our sex has been unfuckingbelievable. We have explored new things together, tried things that didn't work previously in the past, and fucked for even longer than we already were before.
This is just the second week of being medicated.
The best part?
I feel all of my orgasm.
I've been transported to another realm during orgasm, left a shaking mess with literally no words after and wrecked for a few days after. That was my norm and even that was amazing.
Now? Holy fuuuuuuck!.
I was able to have a blended orgasm for the first time in my 44 years of life. We have tried playing with my Gspot before but it was always too painful or too much. This time? Oh my god. I was left absolutely speechless after.
The best way I can describe a clitoral + Gspot orgasm is like releasing two orgasms simultaneously, but each one is a different type of pleasure. My body didn't even know how to comprehend all of the pleasure that was being forced from my body. After my post orgasm earthquake shakes finally stopped, I just laid there bare.
He saw all of me.
I didn't know that was possible and I am still floored when I think about how amazing it felt. (And I go back there often, daily.)
Normally, when he makes me come, it's soo good that I am literally done for the week. My pussy is too sore to even try again. He has tried all different type of techniques to make sure I wasn't completely wrecked afterwards but they all lead to the same finish line.
One and done.
I always thought it was because the pleasure from the build up, the fucking incredible way he uses his fingers and mouth, and how the intense orgasm left me completely drained.
This week, I learned that I was also wrong about that.
He fucking blew me away with the blended orgasm at night and then again in the morning. THEN he did it again when he came home from work! This is absolutely unheard of when it comes to me. I would normally be way too sensitive to even be touched or fucked. This time, my body was wetter, hornier and beyond craving him each time. I literally lost all control of my body and couldn't stop shaking while he devoured me, as well as afterwards. He loves to edge me by fucking me and then devouring me. Rinse and repeat until I am literally begging for him to let me come. Again, we were surprised to learn how quickly I recovered and was ready for more.
Before medicine, if he fucked me after I came, it would be way too much. I like pain, a lot, but even that was too much for me.
This time?
Fucking bring it on. The pain was different. I could feel the sensitivity, but instead of being overwhelming, I was able to sort of float in this area of waiting for the over sensitivity to subside, while still feeling every moment he pumped his hard as fuck cock inside me. Then, another magic moment happened. The sensitivity just vanished and this rush of pleasure replaced it, with a tinge of what I call “Pleasure Pain”. Pleasure Pain (for me) is where it hurts but it also turns me the fuck on. I am a total masochist, which matches perfectly to my husbands sadist self. The Pleasure Pain directly after an orgasm that lead directly into being fucked relentlessly, was new for me. I looked at him and said how fucking good it felt, which then instantly got him even harder.
Here we were, fucking right after fucking, again. This time, with an immeasurable amount of pleasure for the both of us. If there was a next level, we skipped that too and dove headfirst into a new, uncharted area of unknown pleasure. We have continued to explore this new path and we haven't been disappointed yet.
When I started to feel more like myself, it gave me this renewed passion for learning about my husband again. (I think I covered this briefly in the last entry.) I began to be fascinated by learning everything about him, even things that I already knew. Again, it was like I was learning about him for the first time with this new, improved brain. He told me that this made him felt seen, heard, appreciated and loved because I was so curious about everything that makes him who he is today.
We feel even closer than we have in what I hesitate to say, ever, in our relationship. We have had some downs and we have had some pretty high highs but this season of us is beyond the atmosphere.
Since we entered into a Dom/sub dynamic, I got to see these little glimpses of this darker version of him in the bedroom. It was him but with a more feral look on his face. He would be rougher with me, spank me harder and just try to see how much I could take. This was everything I was looking for. This feral version didn't come out very long because he knew I wasn't ready for the full version. I thought I was but I had no idea what I was in store for.
I still don't.
Now, he says the nastiest shit I've ever heard spill out of his mouth. For example, right before punishing me with his cock, he holds direct eye contact and says: “You know your safe word. I hope you now how to use it because we're about to explore how much you can take, my little cum slut.”
And then I died.
R.I.P.
No, for real, that shit is such a turn on for me. You want to turn my faucet on, please Sir, talk to me like that.
The difference is this time, instead of worrying if I was okay or how much I could take, he leaned in knowing I said “yes” to this new, deeper dynamic. With my consent, it gave him the freedom to just be him, free from worry, fear or overthinking.
He was essentially let loose and we are exploring this delicious feral side of him. And I am fucking here for it
We have both unlocked something that had been in the dark, waiting for us to discover at just the right time.
That time has come.
We are free from the chains that held us down. The difference is that he was purposely holding back because he knew I wasn't ready and now, he sees that I am.
It's such a glorious sight.
It sort of feels like we have been preparing for this version of ourselves, for this moment to converge, and now we get to reap the benefits.
We have a sexual freedom that I didn't know was even possible. We shared what our ultimate fantasies were and holy fuck, they were hot. We had shared ideas before, but with this new found freedom, we were able to share even more with zero judgement. We are able to enjoy porn together (and it's really fucking hot) for the first real time in our relationship. I fucking love watching people fuck while I'm getting fucked. I realize this isn't for everyone but for me, let's go baby! (I've even taken a few tips from videos that we've watched and used them on him.) I'm still in the process of learning what type of porn I enjoy watching, but I am loving this process.
One night, he was going to show me how to navigate a specific porn website and I got incredibly turned on. The mixture of seeing this carnal moment on a screen, while knowing I have my own personal Fuck Master by my side, I went wild. I grabbed him in one hand and we watched porn in the other. This is something that would have never happened, especially without second guessing if one of us was okay or not. Instead of comparing myself to these actresses bodies, I spend time seeing them working and I'm enjoying every second of it.
This feels like one more door opened in our relationship that had previously been nailed shut. Instead of just opening up doors, we are tearing down our old selves with fire and walking out of the flames of our past as these incredibly sexual beings.
My only issue now is how we have to be quiet and we can't fuck all the time.
I told him that I desperately need a weekend away to just have a massive fuck fest. I want to be loud without worries if kids can hear, I want to fall asleep after hours long sex sessions just to wake up and fuck again with zero worries and I want to discover just how rough I can take it. I want to find that level right before my safe word so that we can play dangerously before that line.
I want to see everything he is capable of when it comes to walking fully into this version of himself.
I want to see our fantasies come true and then make new ones.
I want to enjoy soaking up every second he's inside of me, filling me in more ways than one.
I want to continually drink his cum and beg for more.
I want to see marks left on my body and replay each moment of pleasure in my head when we are apart.
This journey is unknown and instead of being terrified of the darkness, we are embracing every step.
I'm so excited to embrace every version of me: emotionally, physically and sexually.
I'm excited to expand my past limits and try to create new ones.
Most of all, I'm excited to feel like myself, the person my husband has seen all along.