So many changes in life lately.
One of the biggest is the fact that we decided to pull our newly minted middle schooler out of public school and into homeschooling. This is something I would have never seen in my horizon even if I had been looking for years. I grew up in a church (a whole new post coming about that one) and was very familiar with the stereotypes of homeschool. They were either the super christian moms who made sure their children learned from very strict biblical studies ( similar to the Duggars) or there were the moms who made sure their children only ate organic and learned from nature, never from an evil government school. The more I learn about homeschool, the more I see these stereotypes couldn't be farther from the truth. They definitely exist, but there is so much more than just that.
We decided to pull him out due to years of bullying. Kids are absolutely relentless once they've made you their target. They just don't quit and make sure you feel so below them that you spirt starts to break down. We really hoped that him entering middle school might change things, as he was admitted to the “best” school in the area that you can only get into through a tough lottery system. We toured the school, met the teachers and he was so excited, albeit a bit nervous because this was his first time switching classrooms and having A and B days. Unfortunately, his excitement didn't last too long. By day two, his school issued chromebook was stolen and even the Vice Principal didn't give two shits when he went to her for help. My angry mama bear came out and made sure to let the school know that this was unacceptable and I wasn't replacing that computer. Magically, his chromebook appeared the next day. The bullying in the first week was horrendous and it only continued to amp up as he started week two. He was getting bullied for getting right answers in class, bullied for thinking outside of the box, bullied for being short, bullied for having a sticker on his apple and so on. Kids are fucking mean as shit these days. So we made the decision to homeschool, which meant I had a lot of learning to do myself. Unfortunately, this all timed with the planned business trip my husband was taking out of town and an upper respiratory infection taking control of the cats in our house. In the four days he was gone, I was essentially a single mother, making sure our daughter got to and from school, a new homeschooling parent for my son, planning our businesses social media posts, taking multiple (very expensive) vet visits for four cats and making the difficult choice to say goodbye to one of our cats who was truly suffering and not getting any better. It was all very isolating and lonely but I survived. When get got back, I finally let it all go and cried and slept for the entire day.
I learned during his trip that I am a needy person.
I always thought that I was pretty independent, I can do shit by myself and if I don't know how, I'll figure it out. I've got me. What I actually learned is that this is my trauma response from CPTSD from a really fucking shitty childhood making me believe that no one was safe and that I was the only one capable. During this trip and his return home, I learned that I needed him, just as much (or more) than he needed me. I'm pretty much a homebody and completely fine with that most days, but these four days made me realize why.
We are home together.
I'm not actually alone at all. I'm just happy and safe, so I don't want to go anywhere. It felt like an epiphany to see my life in this new way and I'm thankful that I could. I think it has started to lift the trauma veil a little at a time, which is difficult but worth it. Always worth it.
I learned it was okay to ask for help.
I learned it was okay to want to be near my person.
I learned that it's okay to say that I don't have it all and that doesn't make me weak.
I learned that I work best in tandem with my other half.
This time away from him also started me down a deep dive/hyper focus on what homeschool entails and how to do it correctly. I had to make sure to quiet the loud doubter in my head and trust that I could do it. I spent hours joining local homeschool groups, looking up classes, making sure he would be socialized by finding events that interested him and researching how to pull him out of public school properly. I even went to the school to withdraw him myself, which is something that would have induced a panic attack in my past.
Now we are in week two of homeschool and it's going pretty well.
The only sort of downside that I can see is that when I take him to the meetup with other kids, it forces me to have to talk with other people that I don't know. I have notoriously not gotten along with women very well. I am just not your typical woman and I also don't have a great filter. Oh, and I also super suck at small talk. I'm trying though. I'm getting him out and he's making friends, I'm forcing myself to come out of my comfort zone and it feels like it's all working out.
We will keep his younger sister in public school until it doesn't work for any longer. I'm not one of those militant homeschool moms who views public school as the devil. It just didn't work out for my son and that's okay. I'm thankful we live in a state where the homeschool rules are pretty lax and easy to follow. We send in a notice of intent each year stating that he will be public schooled with a brief description of his curriculum and then make sure he gets tested at the end of the school year by an evaluator, who can prove that your child made progress and that's it. The cool part about homeschool is that if your child is advanced in some courses, you can just increase that specific course. They can test out of a grade and go to the next and they can even start college courses by 12.
I know it will get a little trickier as he enters high school age, because that's when transcripts and colleges start mattering, but I'm already hyper focusing on that. So no worries, my anxiety is already on top of it.
I plan on trying to write here on a more regular basis because I think it's pretty therapeutic for me and it's a nice place to vent.
I can't even tell you what I will write about but I'm excited to let it all out.
(And yes, the spicy entries will still be headed this way. )