So this entry may be slightly disjointed but hang in there with me. When I go to sleep at night, I'm able to sort of make myself dream about whatever I want. So if I want to dream about traveling to Fiji or a made up scenario where my husband and I meet by chance and how it takes off (this one happened in my dreams and it was fucking hot.), I just lay down and start thinking about it. I find this fun because I get to sort of choose what I dream about and it's also a place where you can think of any scenario without repercussions. If I wake up in the middle of the night for any reason, I can go right back to my dream where I left off and keep it going or sort of rewind to the spot I wanted to see again and let my brain go from there. I have never had the ability to fast forward though. Even in my dream state, it's been very important to me to get the details right, no matter how small. When I spoke to my daughter V and my husband about this, they shared that this is called “lucid dreaming”. Online statistics say at least half of the population will experience this at least once but only 1% have them multiple times per week. Last nights dream was how I was going to write this entry. It started with sharing how for the longest time that I didn't really enjoy being touched. Except by T. I easily get touched out but for some reason, he has full access with no limits and it doesn't bother me. In fact, I crave his touch. If we're in the same room doing our own things, I still want to be right next to him. I want to touch his hair, hold his arm or put my legs over his. I need some sort of contact. I thrive on it. I realized I was never like this before because my asshole dad forced me to give hugs or kisses. As a kid, if I didn't want to give him a hug before leaving or going to bed, I was shamed for it and then guilted into doing it. I think this plays a pivotal role in my need for space now. As I was drifting off to sleep, I thought about how special it is that his touch doesn't bother me and in fact, I want it. It reminded me of how many walls and defenses he has helped me break down over the years. He is the calm to my storm. He is my protector from the monsters of this world. He is my lover and fighter. He is mine. I was just thinking about how lucky it is that we found each other in this vast universe. Right now, we are working on figuring out where we want our dynamic to go. Remember when I shared how R threw me for a loop and said her childhood trauma gave her “fun little BDSM badges” and it fucked me up for a while? Well, I view that statement, and her, completely different. I feel sad that she has chosen to live in this dark, lonely spot where the traumas and abuses she endured win. I know working through them isn't easy and you may never reach the end but trying is always, always worth it. I feel like she's so capable and it's wasting away. I also know that her jabs and hurtful words were thrown at me with intention. The part that I'm learning now is that the power of those words only work if I allow them to. And I did. I let them have power over me for a few months because I was shocked. How does your best friend, literally since the day she was born, withhold all of this resentment and anger, only to spew it at me with no room to work with her? Honestly, it's her loss. And it's her loss that she's living with those badges. For me, I'm choosing to turn them around and use the fuck out of them. I took the ACE test, which measures how severe your childhood trauma was. ACEs are stressful or traumatic experiences that occur in childhood, such as abuse, neglect, household dysfunction (like substance abuse or mental illness), or witnessing violence. If the ACE score is 1-3 without ACE-Associated Health Conditions, the patient is at “intermediate risk” for toxic stress. Mine was 7. A score of 7 or higher indicates a high risk for various health and mental health problems. I have ACE associate Health Conditions like Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder and high blood pressure. I definitely have issues with social functioning but I'm trying to work on it. All of that to say that I'm going to take those traumas and things that affected me and I'm trying to turn them around to something that can work for me, not against me. This won't work for every single trauma but it's worth exploring to see which it will work on. For example, one of the things that I held out the most on in our BDSM lifestyle was spanking. I said that I would never, ever let him do that to me because I spent all of my younger years, and some of my years where I was definitely too old to be spanked, being hit by my father. This was his form of punishment, along with a show of power. My sister and I were spanked bare bottom until we were at least eleven. I'm not sure what it took to make him start spanking with our clothes on but even 11 seemed too old for that. So while we explored what we did or didn't like, what was a boundary or not, I told him spanking was off the table. I don't even remember when the switch happened but we tried it again (with consent, of course) and I found out that I enjoyed it. It didn't dredge up memories of my father or his control over me. Instead, I was able to focus on the pain and pleasure, which lead to these beautiful interlinked feelings. I love it so much, I got “Yes, Sir” tattooed on my left ass cheek, where he spanks me. It's one of my favorites and I have a lot of tattoos. To me, that represents my ability to claim this past trauma and use it as a way to work for me. I also said hard pass on being talked down to. If you called me a dumb slut or something like that, with a negative connotation, it would immediately take me out of it. For all of my life, my father relentlessly made fun of me and made me feel worthless. This was especially worse during the holidays and this is why I hate Christmas. (I only discovered the reason why this year.) Again, we tested it out and if it didn't work, we stopped. I don't remember when it changed but he can call me his dirty little cum slut and that shit is a turn on. Hot.As.Fuck. So I'm actually looking forward to turning these negative emotions around and into something that benefits me. In turn, these also benefit him and our sex life. Our lives have been enriched and freeing by BDSM. Now that I'm finally over the mean words R threw at me, my husband and I are deciding where we want this to go. Do we want to go full TPE? Do I want to be a submissive or slave? Do I want it full time or only in the bedroom? How much am I comfortable with him deciding for me? He sent me a group of texts this morning that I read when I woke up about this very topic. He's wants to see where my desires, wants and needs are. How far are we willing to extend this into the vanilla world? For now, this is something that we're negotiating and talking about. I know that before R came in and blew up the bomb on Christmas day, we were in a really healthy spot in the lifestyle. Even though we stayed M/s in the bedroom, she affected the overall health of our dynamic. I'm excited to look forward and see where we'll take it now, with this new knowledge of working through our pasts.
And.....if you made it through all of that serious shit, here is the fun part! The dream where I met my current husband T randomly was super fucking hot and I just knew I was going to share it here. He is always the male in my dreams, so getting to control what we do in the dream is super exciting for me. I have absolutely zero interest in control in the real world and love being submissive as fuck, but in my dreams it's different. Sort of. In my dreams I control where we go, what we do, the depraved sexual things we do to each other, etc. It's never the type of Domme control that you see in movies or books where I tell him to get on his knees and kiss my heels before whipping him or anything like that. There isn't a single thread of that in my body or brain. Anyways, in this lucid dream, he and I were just friends. Both of us had kind of been burned from people we dated in the past and it gave us something to talk about but there was never anything more to it than that. (In these dreams, he was always in a wedding or we met randomly at a bar, but we knew each other as friends.) For this one, he had to be a groomsman a wedding and invited me to be his plus one because he knew I needed to stop moping around the house and get out and do something. So I reluctantly agreed. When I arrive in an short black cocktail dress, I could see his instant reaction before he was able to mask it. This was the first hint that maybe there could be something there. In this dream, the wedding went super quick, with little to zero details. At the reception, we are sitting at the same table and he asks me to take some shots with him, to celebrate us both getting out and being more social. This lead to more shots and the both of us kind of loosening up before we hit the dance floor. I ended up pulling him to the dance floor and we were just having such a blast dancing and enjoying ourselves. (this part is hilarious to me because I have zero rhythm in real life) After the song ended, the DJ said he was going to play a slow song and encouraged everyone to stay on the dance floor. We moved closer and started to slow dance and this is where I could smell his scent, feel his muscles and just enjoy being close. For me, this part in the dream is where I start to get interested. We dance a little bit more, take some more shots and at the end of the night, I was feeling damn good. He offers for me to stay with him in his hotel room for the night and I agree because driving just wasn't happening. Plus, if I had to be somewhere drunk, being with a trusted friend was the best place. We get into the elevator and I immediately tell him how he knows how much I like to please my partners and how much enjoyment and pleasure I get out of it but since being single, I don't have anyone to do this to. In the dream, we've had lots of conversations about this and he assured me that this didn't make me a slut or something terrible. I walk up to him in the elevator and tell him that I would love to do that for him, but only while he's single. If he ends up dating someone, that would have to stop because I wouldn't be part of anyone cheating. He agreed and then asked me what the rules were for me. Was he allowed to do anything to me during this time because I was single, too? I told him he had free reign over my body to do whatever he wanted but for both of us, sex was off the table. For some reason, sex meant too much and I didn't want to go there with him. He grabs me and starts bringing his hand up the back of my dress and squeezes my ass super hard and I can feel how excited he is because he's right up against me. Just as he leans in to bite my neck, the elevator door opens and we head to his room. When we get there, he asks when this would start and I said “Why not now”? So I sit him in the chair and start to roam my hands all over his clothed body and tell him that I need to learn what he likes. We're friends and nothing more so I need to know what makes him feel good, what way he wants to come and what was off limits. He starts to share what he likes and just as I start undressing him, I fucking WAKE up! I.was.pissed. It was finally getting to the really good parts and I woke up. I haven't been able to continue this dream, unfortunately. Believe me, I've tried. For some reason, my brain blocks it or maybe it takes too much energy to create what we do while I'm dreaming. I have no idea but thats where it ended. I shared this with him (in real life) and said we should make this in real life. For instance, we go out for date night and we get a hotel. We meet at a bar somewhere and pretend we're strangers and go from there. That seems super fucking fun to me and a great way to spice things up even more. Most of all, I just look forward to time with him, wherever and however I can get it. I don't care what we're doing it as long as we're together.
#nsfw