So we have recently discovered that a few days prior to my cycle, I go absolutely bonkers. It's more than just the emotional mess and craving chocolate. I literally want to delete every thing I've ever posted, rip up all my photos, crawl into a hole and just sleep for 48 hours.
This also happens to be the time that I am extra sensitive to words, even more than normal. I hear things in a different way and definitely say things that I wouldn't even normally think of saying.
This all came bubbling up a few days ago and we got into a fight. We finally nailed it down that around time of the month, I am an absolute mess. I took things way harder than I should have and ended up deleting my entire blog, most of my followers on instagram and lots of photos. In the moment it felt right and I even questioned before I hit the button to end all of those things. I really thought I was in the right head space. Within a day of actually starting my cycle, I feel like a sense of relief and come to realization of what I've done. In the past, this has extended to me selling my Peloton bike for way too cheap because I felt so much self hatred.
The feelings are really hard to describe but I know they aren't truly me.
So now we are learning how to navigate this, along with my diagnoses of PTSD from my traumatic childhood. All of this could seem super overwhelming but for me, it's giving me answers that I've been searching years for. (Especially the PTSD diagnoses.)
I'm thankful that I have a patient partner who can notice these things and not take them personally. Instead, he works with me, not against me, in figuring how to best navigate these tough days. Thankfully it's only two days a month but still, it's pretty rough.
My husband T managed to copy most of my entries into his ChatGPT so I copied what I could and posted them here. They probably aren't in order and I know I'm missing some but at least it's not a full loss.
I look forward to using this journal to write my deepest feelings, emotions, healing journey, life's frustrations, our fucking amazing sex life and everything else that might pop into my head.
Welcome to my story, even if a few of the pages may be missing.