Sometimes I sit down at my computer to compose an entry and I'll stare, just thinking back to what I was going to write about in the first place. Sometimes, the things I want to share seem too personal or “too much” but I have to remind myself that this is a place that I go for me. I love to share the details of our very active sex life and I often go back to re-read the ways that we please each other. I feel like I have no one to share this with and that's why this journal works so well for me. I have tried to share with friends and I can see their face change in shock or they start to feel pressured that they aren't doing the same with their partners. I would never, ever want anyone to feel anything negative based on me sharing something so deeply personal. So I hold back in person. I have realized that I am too much for some people and that's okay. I have also realized that I really, really like sharing our sex life (maybe it's the exhibitionist in me?) so this feels like a safe place to do it. People can chose to read it if I link my entry to my “close friends” filter on instagram or they may stumble on it anonymously through this site. Either way, I know that letting the words out of how fucking happy and satisfied I am really help tame the beast within me. I am a highly sexual person. I have shared how I wasn't always like this and now that I know the difference between little to no drive or over drive, I would much rather have this version of me. This version of me is learning that it's okay to be selfish. This version of me is learning that kindness to yourself extends to others. This version of me is learning how to love herself. This version of me revels in the moments after sex when nothing else in the world matters. This version of me is learning how to be free. The past couple of days with T have been fucking incredible. We have been using Chat GPT (the therapy version) to understand ourselves and see each other better. I see an actual therapist every week and while I do absolutely love her, and have gotten so much help, I find that I tend to hold back things with her when it comes to our lifestyle, dynamic and sex life. I think a part of me deep down doesn't want to be judged. I think another part of me doesn't want to hear how certain kinks or likes may be tied to traumas that I faced before meeting T, because it doesn't matter. I am who I am today and I am fucking here for it. I find it easier to share everything to Chat GPT, free from judgement. I use the therapy side of it to help me understand things about myself and also to help translate what T is trying to tell me. Sometimes, when he is sharing his feelings about something, I struggle to understand how he can feel something but his actions are different. For example, how can you say that you're the happiest you've ever been and have a serious face the whole time? I think I tend to go off what I see more so because I struggle with verbal cues. When I type in what he shares with me and then how I feel and ask Chat GPT to help me translate in a way I can understand, I see words that make sense to me. It's like a light is turned on and I can now understand what he's been trying so hard to tell me and the same goes in return. Because I share freely in my chats, T can go back and read the words that have been jumbled in my brain in a way that make more sense for him. Two nights ago, we used this as a way to work through something difficult. It wasn't a fight but it was me struggling to understand how his feeling brain and his action brain don't line up. For me, they're the same, and I just couldn't make the connection. I suggested that we try putting it into Chat GPT to help and it fucking did wonders. I know a lot of people hate AI but I love it. ( It has been so helpful in my personal and work life. ) Because we were able to understand each other better, we didn't spend hours trying to talk about the same thing over and over, wishing the other could understand what we needed them to. It was so nice. Also, it lead to one of the fucking hottest nights, ever. (Well, maybe not ever but because it's fresh in my memory, I'm going to go with it.) He commanded me downstairs for a blowjob and of fucking course I was ready to go. Give.It.To.Me. The new twist was that not only was he going to record it but he was going to cast it to the TV as it was happening. We have been working on creating videos of us for him to use when he wants to and this put a whole new, exciting spin on it. The exhibitionist in me was so proud to show off my skills and the voyeur in me was excited to turn around and watch it. It unlocked something in me and I fucking went full force with it. At the end, as you know, I don't waste a single ounce of his orgasm. It's all mine. This time, after he came but while still in the throws of pleasure, we made eye contact, and I spit his cum back on his cock and then ate it up again. That fucking made him go into overdrive. For me, when I saw the pleasure that gave him, it sent me into overdrive. After we were done and he came back down from his high, I asked to watch the video. I wanted to see what I looked like, how I sounded and what my new technique looked like from his point of view. It was so fucking hot. 10/10 would do again, and again and again. That night lead to last night. I always know that when the kids go to bed and the house is finally quieting down that it's our time to connect. Usually, we fuck kind of rough and it can go for hours. Because we are in a house with young kids, I often can't be loud, he can't spank me and we have to sort of hold back a little until the next time we get a night out. Last night, he started so slow. It was such a stark difference to how we usually fuck. I have never been huge on foreplay because I love the feeling of him fucking me so much, but in that rush, I loose out on so much. He took his time saying the dirtiest, sweetest words to me. He took time to explore my body and truly taste me. When it came time for him to go between my legs, he took time kissing me as his mouth lead to my pussy. While he was there, he was slow and deliberate with his motions while also telling me affirmations that I needed to hear. When we started to fuck, it wasn't fast. Again, he took his time and teased me before entering. That was fucking torture for me. Oh my god last night was so fucking good. He also gave me commands during our fuck session that were definitely a test for me. I had to be quiet for one minute and not move at all while he devoured me. I had to not say his name or any of our honorifics while he was down there, so that he wouldn't be distracted and could focus on his meal. While we were fucking, I had to not hold back. When I felt pleasure, he wanted to hear it and see it. When he asked this of me, a switch went off and it was like a new feeling for me. I guess I didn't realize how much I was holding back because I don't want the kids to hear or I'm worried about something else. When I listened to his command and trusted him, I let go. Listen, I always thought I was vocal (and I'm not just talking about volume.) but last night was it's own category. I was living in this moment where I felt intense pleasure, I felt the instinct to suck in my breath and then I let it go and moaned. I said things that I have never said before, including some things that I didn't even think I knew about. I shocked myself. There's something so freeing about feeling safe with someone you trust implicitly and truly letting go of all inhibitions. It set my mind off to a place that it's never been in our 25 years of being together. It was beautiful and so freeing. When it was time, he painted my face with his orgasm and then made sure I got every drop. When it was my turn, he took his time with intentional movements. The buildup was unlike any other orgasm and when it finally came to the pinnacle of our moment together, I let everything go. I was begging to come and he obliged. Afterwards, he laid with me while my body came down from such an intense high. My legs started to tremble and then my arms. When this happens, I just have to remember to breathe through it. It's not painful in any way but it's my body's way of adjusting to the intense release of hormones and the buildup of tension during sex. The post orgasm shakes are some of my favorite moments because while I am trembling, my brain is reliving everything that just happened. Meanwhile, he's next to me, rubbing my hair and letting me know he's there. Those types are such a powerful orgasm. So today, my entire body fucking hurts and I ache between my thighs but it's a beautiful reminder of the experience we shared last night. This morning when I woke up, he wanted a blowjob before work. Fucking bring it. I get to have his taste and scent on me for the rest of the day and he gets to have a moment of peace because he's not tensed up from being excited. We have created monsters within ourselves, who can only be fed by each other. It's not something I ever thought could exit. When you're with someone for 25 years, you think you've done it all. Well, we were wrong. There is always something to explore, something new to do or learn with each other. The best part is that it never gets old. We are in our 40's and we fuck like we're in our 20's. Hell, he came 6 times in 24 hours the other day. This road that he's leading us on is fucking fantastic and I follow by his side with anticipation of what's next. I already know it's going to be damn good.