Sometimes it hits me how fucked up my childhood was.
When this happens, it's really difficult to not allow myself to just easily drown in that misery.
I started therapy just over a year ago and although it has been super helpful, it's been really fucking hard, too.
People warned me beforehand. They told me that it would be harder before it got easier and I just shook my head yes, like I could even begin to comprehend what they were sharing.
It's so fucking true.
I know I still have a shit ton of work to get through when it comes to untangling my childhood, my emotions, my negative feelings and blah, blah, blah.
Sometimes it's overwhelming to even think about the hill that I have to climb but then I remember that despite my “parents”, I am capable.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I deserve to do this for myself today and for the younger version of myself who never got the chance to grow up like she should have.
Honestly, fucking shame on them for being such shitty parents.
I'm still dealing with the anger and relentless hurts that I am left with. The rubble of shame and guilt can be so, so debilitating.
BUT...the most important reminder that I need to say over and over to myself is that I can and I will.
I'm determined to try my fucking hardest to leave their knives that cut me deep for way too long behind me and to never look back.
Like my therapist says: “You have to feel it to heal it. The negative feelings will wait for you.”
Annnnnnyways, all of this came to the center of my mind when I had to sign my newest therapy plan. Every 90 days my trauma therapist and I re-evaluate where I am, what progress I've made and what goals I want to work on.
I'm going to share my most recent one.
For some reason, signing the form makes it official. By signing this online form, it means that CPTSD is real and that I have it. Lately, Ive really been struggling with the thought that my therapist was wrong and there was no way it was as bad as it was and there's absolutely no way these papers describe me.
But, they do.
So I'm going to share it here.
I share for future me, so that I can see how far I've come.
I share here for anyone who may stumble on this entry and maybe they are going through something similar. Now, they won't feel so alone.
I also share because it's a place for me to share the guilt, shame, disbelief and intense self hatred so it can be released.
I'll be free one day.
“Presenting Problem
Post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic
Behavioral Definitions
Client has direct experience and witnessed multiple traumatic events; Client suffers from recurrent and intrusive memories and flashbacks; Client has physiological reactions to internal and external cues that resemble an aspect of the traumatic events. Client attempts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, and feelings about the traumatic events. Client makes an effort to avoid external reminders (people, places, and conversations) associated with the traumatic events. Client has a difficult time remembering aspects of the traumatic events, and has persistent negative belief and expectations about herself including perfectionism and misplaced and excessive self-blame. Client has a persistent negative emotional state (e.g. fear and guilt) and has a difficult time experiencing positive emotions (e.g. client often feels unworthy of relaxation or happiness). Client experiences heightened irritability, self-destructive behavior, hypervigilance, and sleep disturbance. The client has ruled out other conditions and medications as possible explanations of these symptoms. The client has experienced these symptoms for as long as she can remember. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress and impairment in social, occupational, and personal functioning.
1 Goal
In the next 90 days of counseling, the client will increase awareness of internal and external signs of distress, understand the triggers that contribute to these reactions, and develop effective coping strategies.
Objective 1
Client will practice recognizing early emotional, physical, and cognitive signs of distress. Client will explore patterns connected to specific triggers and will assess the effectiveness of potential coping strategies.
Interventions
Resident will provide the client with education regarding possible healthy coping strategies and ensure that client has a solid understanding of these skills. Resident will incorporate Internal Family Systems techniques to help client identify and work with parts that become activated during distress.
2 Goal
In the next 90 days, client will recognize when she needs to set boundaries and will communicate those boundaries with increased confidence and reduced anxiety.
Objective 1
The client will identify at least three emotional and physical cues that signal when a boundary is needed. Client will practice using assertive communication during and outside of counseling sessions in order to express herself clearly and with confidence.
Interventions
Resident will encourage reflection on emotional and physical signs cues that signal when a boundary is needed. Resident will incorporate Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills to enhance client's interpersonal relationships skills (e.g. assertive communication, boundary setting, saying no without guilt).
3 Goal
In the next 90 days of counseling, client will use at least two strategies to challenge and reduce the frequency of self-critical thoughts.
Objective 1
Client will participate in counseling sessions in order to learn and practice effective coping strategies. Client will practice these coping strategies outside of counseling time to assess for effectiveness on symptoms.
Interventions
Resident and client will work together to explore new and previously used coping strategies. Client will practice these strategies during counseling sessions to prepare for independent implementation. Resident will follow-up with client regarding these coping strategies and their effectiveness for symptom management. Resident will work on new coping strategies with the client, should some be unsuccessful in practical usage and will encourage consistent implementation of helpful strategies.
4 Goal
In the next 90 days, client will engage in at least two activities she enjoys with a reduction in anxious thoughts (guilt, worry).
Objective 1
During counseling sessions, resident and client will work together to identify and replace anxious thoughts that interfere with relaxing and enjoying activities.
Interventions
Resident and client will work together to explore new and previously used strategies. Client will practice these strategies during counseling sessions to prepare for independent implementation. Resident will follow-up with client regarding these strategies and their effectiveness on reducing negative self-talk. Resident will work on new strategies with the client, should some be unsuccessful in practical usage and will encourage consistent implementation of helpful strategies.
Treatment Frequency
Weekly.“
There I am, written in words for the world to see.
Feel it to heal it.