The past few days have been fucking incredible, even with some small disagreements. I feel that lately we have been getting past our disagreements much faster than before. Two days ago T broke something within me in the best of ways. I’ve tried explaining it in words but I haven’t been able to yet. It started with a small disagreement about where to watch a movie, upstairs or in our bedroom. It easily snowballed into me going from an emotional 2 to an 8 because I couldn’t understand what T was trying to tell me and he couldn’t understand the intent of what I was saying back. At the end, I definitely hit a 10 and I thought we would for sure go to bed angry and not speaking to each other. After I brushed my teeth and met him downstairs, the air just felt different. We were both irritated at that point and I felt helpless and that I had ruined the night. One of my biggest flaws is seeing what I perceive as their true emotions, despite them telling me otherwise. I also go into this auto protect mode where I put up impenetrable defense regardless of need, which then leads me to a spiral of self hatred. T describes it as an auto pilot with my conditioned defenses built from years of protection from my abusive childhood. I go into this mode quickly because it’s all I’ve known, even though I no longer need it. I can say some pretty mean things, and realize it as I’m saying them, without feeling like I’m in control. My therapist has been spending time trying to work with me on this but lately, it feels like T just got me in a way he hadn’t before. We clicked puzzle pieces together that just made things make sense. Anyways, when I went downstairs, I was all in my level 9 to 10, thinking and feeling the worst version of myself. As I saw him laying in our bed in silence, I just wanted to rewind everything and take it back to the beginning and change every word I said. I started to go down my unhealthy road of self deprecation when I remembered that he said an easy way to break the tension during any stressful time is to touch his arm, rub his hair or anything sexual. He’s completely right, it totally works but it requires me to get out of my self doubt/hate zone so I can even begin to say those words. I decided to text him on What’s App instead of trying (and struggling) to get the words out. I offered him the ultimate submission of anal, because it’s the most “embarrassing” form of sex there is. Let’s be honest, no one really wants to stare at an asshole. Usually anal sex is incredibly painful for me and I can rarely find pleasure from it. Sometimes it’s fun but often times it’s a lot of slow work and lots of breaks. This time, I offered myself up in a way that showed I wanted to submit, was more than okay with him and I fucking (despite arguing) and offering up something we both know is pretty painful. It sent a message to him, from me, that belong to him, even in the worst of our times. I texted asking it with such dirty words, which almost instantly pulled him right out of our frustration. The affirmations he commanded me to repeat and the way he took what he wanted were just what I asked for and more. Look, I have a very high pain tolerance but even this position is almost unbearable. I don’t know what happened but I hit this moment where it hurt like all else and then something clicked and all of the pain disappeared, despite him going rougher. My brain sort of broke, but in the best of ways. I no longer was worried about our fight and I no longer felt the pain. It was almost euphoric in a way. It’s such a hard thing to describe. Afterwards, my body (and mind) was beyond exhausted so I passed out with him next to me. (Some other deeply personal things happened but I’m not quite sure I’ll share them here.) The next day, after spending the day taking care of the house and kids, we finally laid down in bed and talked. And I mean talked . The something that had cracked open within me from the night before lead me to fully open up to him in a way that I don’t think I truly have in our 25 years together. I shared my true feelings without fear of judgement, without self hatred and most importantly, feeling the safest I ever have. And this guy, you don’t even understand. He already has the patience of a saint and the understanding that I wish the world had. The way things felt like yesterday were the way it had been all along, I just couldn’t get past my defense mechanisms to see it. This talk was the kind that you have with your best friend, where nothing else matters and it’s just the two of you existing. We stayed up well past 3am sharing without fear, even skipping sex, which is extremely rare for us. It felt like home, the type I never had growing up. It felt like safety, the kind I thought I had created for myself throughout the years by setting up defense to keep people out. It felt like a deeper, even more meaningful level of who we were. It felt like a field of wild flowers on a beautiful sunny day with the perfect breeze. I don’t even know, it was just the best. When we finally ended our conversation, I asked for him to snuggle me as we drifted off. When we snuggle, I always have his hands cupping my boobs. It’s just a comfort thing for me because I love his touch so much. Now this is what lead to us not being able to keep our hands off each other. Little did I know, he had even more in store for me. He started to explore my body and of course found me wet and ready to go. After playing with me for a little, he demanded me to lay back while he devoured me. He took his time, was intentional, primal and so.fucking.hot. That man is like a fucking masterpiece when he’s between my legs. Fucking hell. It’s otherworldly. I was BEGGING for him to fuck me. I wanted to feel him inside of me but he refused me time and time again, which made it worse. Because he was taking his time, it sort of edged me along to my orgasm but skirted the line of total pleasure. It was absolute fucking beautiful torture. He even got on top of me, fully clothed, and let me feel how hard and ready he was but refused to let me touch him. He fucking teased me until I was almost in tears begging for my orgasm. It was on the line of painful/pleasure in all of the best ways. He had me not caring how loud I was, what I was saying and when I was allowed to finally release my orgasm I literally had keep myself from falling off the bed. I’ve spoken about the post orgasm shakes but this – god damn. This was before, during & after shakes. It was fucking unreal. The most unbelievable part was that he wouldn’t let me fuck him or give him anything in return. Enter torture level 2. We ended up finally going to bed around 530/6am but it was so.fucking. worth it. Today, he was on my mind every second. I was beyond riled up from last night and wanting him like never before. I thought we wouldn’t have a chance to do anything until after the kids went to bed but after walking the dog this evening, as I headed to take my shower, I went up to him and whispered into his ear asking if he would please allow me to suck his cock and swallow him down. He put his food down so fast and we were on it. He struggled a little because one of his medicines is causing him some nausea and he tapped me and let me know that we’d have to stop because it would take too long. I stared right back up at him with his dick on my lips and asked him to give me just six minutes. I could get it out of him. Guess what? I won. I choked, gagged and thanked him with tears in my eyes and I swallowed him down. It was so hot. I took my shower and the sent him a dirty text telling him how much of a mess he made me and how ready I was for tonight. I absolutely cannot get enough of this man. I tell him how he turned me into an absolute feral slut for him and I love it. I wouldn’t want to be any other way for him. He’s always been it for me. No one else could ever compare. I actively choose him everyday. And I always will.