To my husband T,
Today marks two years of you being who you were always meant to be. The leap started out as being scary and ended up as being something that was more beautiful that I could ever describe.
On December 23, 2023 you shed the old armor that you carried for your entire life and walked forward in this new, impenetrable self love armor that was always just below the surface. You chose to look at this decision directly in the eyes and face it with not only courage but unyielding determination. Saying “Yes!” to your true, authentic self was the easy part. The part that followed was the test of who you were to be.
Were you strong enough to continue walking forward a path that felt unknown to you?
Yes.
Were you determined enough to keep going, regardless of how difficult it felt at the time?
Yes.
Were you willing to be true to yourself, even if to others it may look like something completely different than what you described?
Yes.
Were you willing to look at this big unknown and just trust yourself?
Yes.
Were you willing to let me stand by your side, hold your hand and let you know that I was along with you, no matter what?
Absolutely, yes!
It feels so cliche to say that I'm proud of you. That word just doesn't fit the mold of you. Even before T emerged from the rubble of your life before, I was honored to be by your side. When you started to gather the strength to try to describe these changes happening deep within yourself, you did so with a vulnerability that most would shy away from. You knew the work it would take to transform into you.
You understood the assignment in ways that I would only learn about later.
You saw what felt like some monumental task and looked forward with the determination of a man who was found.
You decided you were worth it.
(Spoiler: Every version of you always have been.)
I watched you struggle with how to describe this to others, how to make this fit into your life in a way that would make sense, and ultimately, I watched you share your truth with your head held high and with a strong confidence that reminded me of why I have always been so attracted to you.
You aren't afraid of the hard stuff.
You aren't afraid to dig in deep and put in the work.
You aren't afraid to go the unconventional route because you knew you were worth the fight.
I am so fucking happy you chose YOU.
Even more so, I am glad you honored B.
It may have taken a little bit longer to see the little gold flecks that were imbedded through your life but T saw that shine and decided to walk into the light, despite any challenges that came your way. The armor that you wore was needed as you navigated a life after surviving trauma. This armor protected you, gave you courage to not give up and to give yourself the “okay” to move forward when you were hurt. This armor blocked out some of how you were treated by your family, your girlfriends, your friends, etc. It served you well and I am glad that you had the opportunity to say “Thank you” to B. He went through a lot, made sure you didn't feel the heat of the fires you walked through, and assured that you would make your way to me.
This armor protected me from my clown ass father, too because it knew what to look for.
I am thankful for every moment with B and his armor. At the time, it was such a gift that you didn't know you needed.
I'm also thankful your heart, brain, and mind could reconcile when you no longer needed that level of defense. B, who was exhausted and war torn, was grateful that T moved to the front of the line of you.
Today, I celebrate all of the ways that B served you well and now, how T continues that legacy with a strength and courage that was unknown before.
T represents the truth, strength and unyielding self love that you have always deserved to see within yourself.
T takes issues head on and instead of seeing faults within yourself, you challenge these notions and understand that you just have to look for the correct answer.
T doesn't give in because he doesn't have to.
T doesn't back down because he doesn't have to.
T doesn't quit because he knows the fight is always worth it.
(See, you've always been worth it.)
I am proud and honored to have loved B & T.
Both sides of your coin have so many great qualities that others would absolutely wish they had. The best part, I received both parts of you.
Walking through this cleared battlefield with you leading the way was one of my biggest accomplishments. I was able to gift you something you have given to me time and time again. I was able to sit with you in pain or just exist in silence as your brain sorted through this massive change.
These moments with you are unforgettable to me.
You were able to let me peek through the curtains to this massive change that you were going through and allowing me to part of it. As your partner, best friend, and wife, that is the best gift you could ever give me.
This gift has zero money amount attached to it because you are priceless.
For you today, I am absolutely amazed at your courage.
I am floored by your level of understanding of everything around you.
I am motivated by your patience and kindness.
I am inspired by your refusal to give up.
I am in awe of your level of confidence and passion for that you have for your people.
I am intrigued by how your mind works, the solutions you come up with and how you keep true to your core values while caring for those around you.
I am honored to see the deepest crevices of your soul and understand that is a risk that you took, knowing that I was worth it.
I see your light.
I see your dark.
I see you.
I love absolutely every inch of every side of you, from 1999 up until the day we no longer have each other earthside.
I am really, really, really fucking proud of you.
You faced something that appeared absolutely terrifying and moved forward despite it all.
It was just time for you, a much needed breakthrough that was years in the making.
I am beyond thankful that you chose you. With that decision, you always chose us. We have always been worth it and this was just another little universe nod that let you know you were doing things right, as usual.
So to B, thank you for protecting the little boy that I didn't know yet.
To B, thank you for protecting the teenager who was wading through life full unknowns.
To B, thank you for choosing to say yes to me after you were done being hurt by women around you.
To B, thank you for navigating our lives together for the past 23 years.
To T, thank you for stepping forward into the light and letting yourself shine for both of us.
To T, thank you for navigating your trauma, side by side with mine.
To T, thank you for being strong for both of us.
To T, thank you for choosing you so that we could choose us.
To T, thank you for just being authentically you.
You have always told me how you appreciate me being so authentic but I see the same thing in you. The mirror you have held so high for me, I now turn around for you. Everything you see within me is also within you.
It always has been.
T, I love you, every page of your story.
Thank you for choosing you.
Thank you for showing me what it's like to work hard, stay true to yourself and showing me that it's all worth it.
I love you yesterday, today and all of our tomorrows, T.
Thank you.