Where do I even begin with this entry?
How do you properly describe when your world shifts on it's axis?
This weekend was beyond anything that I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams.
The best part? We didn't go to some huge destination, we didn't spend a ton of money – it was just us soaking up each other.
T and I finally had the time to get away and celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. (Backstory: Although the 25th year is technically a major milestone, covid kind of ruined our 20th anniversary so we have been switching the big dates around. We decided to celebrate our 26th anniversary this year and next year, we are celebrating our 25th in NYC. )
On Friday, we drove to our destination, which is only about 2.5 hours from our house. Where we live, you can drive an hour away and be at a major amusement park, a beach, the Appalachian Trail, waterparks, etc. We have a lot to do where we live so we wanted to sort of get away from all of the “busy” and just enjoy each other & the quiet of it all.
When you run a huge business and you're raising four kids with zero help, life can be a lot. These little respites really offer us such a great way to connect and to settle our souls.
Once we were in our hotel room, T told me that he wanted to devour me for three hours, or as long as I could stand it.
Excuse me?! Yes!
What an amazing start to our few days away!
When you are free use, it means you're basically on tap and your partner always has consent to use your body whenever they want. I find being free use really helps reduce stress, fights and plus, we know we're going to get some sexual something each day. I understood we were going to be fucking like bunnies and eating each other up but the second we stepped into the room? Fucking hell yes.
Afterwards, I brought up the fact that because we were away from the craziness of work/life and young kids that we could maybe do high protocol. This sounds super complicated but it really isn't. The level of protocol (high, medium, low) just refers to standards of behavior that are agreed upon in a D/s dynamic. High protocol tends to lean into TPE, which is something we have explored and look forward to doing once the kids are grown. Although high protocol can be restrictive and emphasize the sub’s place, it also sets expectations of the Dominant to behave accordingly, which isn't always easy.
High protocol is something that I struggle with when I'm at home because it's not always easy for me to “flip a switch” from high protocol while the kids are at school, to low or medium once they're home. We made an agreement early on that we wouldn't do any of the dynamic things around the younger two. For example, instead of our typical honorifics, I would use “Love” instead. This is hard for the kids or any vanilla person to pick up on. We also have different ways to signal to each other or taps, so everything isn't always out there in the open. When we are away from the bustle of our “normal” daily lives, I thought I truly enjoyed high protocol, but I realized that I never really had full appreciation for it.
Until this weekend.
After I suggested this to him, I instantly saw his eyes light up and my imagination starting running wild with all of the things we might do to each other.
We went for a 4 mile walk on a beautiful trail, enjoyed the biggest fucking burger of my life, explored different cities, fucked and came a lot.
All of our adventures were great but what hits me the most was the unexpected.
Yes, he planned everything that we were doing and I didn't know where or what we would be doing and I absolutely loved it. In my submissiveness, I give over the majority of the decision making because it really stresses me out and he handles it so well. (and it's fucking hot watching him do that.) When you have anxiety, trauma, etc, it's not always easy to give up decision making and sometimes I struggle to trust the process and see in the end that it worked out. I often think of worst case scenarios, which get me into a spiral of doubt, which makes submitting harder.
During this weekend, while following high protocol, I started to truly enjoy it. Not only because I knew what it did for him but what it did for me too.
This was completely new to me.
When I would do some of the things we had agreed to within our high protocol, I felt pride, excitement, turned on and it really transformed me from feral to something completely animalistic.
Look, I've shared how much I love sex, pleasing him, swallowing him down...literally all of it.
What I didn't expect was feeling it even more.
I didn't even think it was even possible. (Guess what? It totally is!)
With the time away from our regular life and experiencing the dynamic fully, not only was sexy AF, but it opened doors for us that I don't think we would have walked through otherwise.
I found it much easier to provide a safe place for him to land if needed.
It felt like I was listened to (something I struggle with feeling daily).
It truly felt like we connected in new ways that the universe had planned for us all along.
I've always been honest about the good and the bad here.
In 2013, we almost divorced. After lots of thinking, we decided to stick together and work on us.
We were worth it.
We were going to make the decision to choose each other every day and create the life we envisioned together, before it was clouded with unhealthy decisions.
We have talked about that time together, but not really in a deep, full sense. We have broached some of the things that happened but now I realize it was sort of surface level because we both didn't want to tear open a wound that had healed.
This weekend, we talked about it. Everything.
As part of how I grew up and what I saw, I learned to rarely apologize. I think prior to 2013, he probably heard me say “I'm sorry” maybe three times in 13 years. It took me a long time to realize that this didn't serve anyone around me and it didn't serve me. I was displaying the very behavior that I despised from my father.
Today, I have no issue apologizing.
Sometimes, based on how intense the argument may be, it might take me a little while to get to the apology but I definitely do it. Most importantly, I actually mean it. I think the word “sorry” often gets thrown around with little meaning and that can be really damaging to a relationship.
During our conversations this weekend, I got to see how it affected him, what he went through and what thoughts he had at the time. It dawned on me that yes, we made the decision to work on us (and we've been fucking killing it), but I didn't truly see it from his side.
It was heartbreaking to hear what he felt/went through and gave me a new, deeper appreciation for his decision to work on us. He took the time to dig in and make changes in ways that I now see are deeper than I realized.
I was able to see a glimpse into what his suffering looked like from his eyes.
It was difficult to hear conversations he had with friends, to hear what he was thinking and how he struggled. Most importantly, I got a glimpse into just how far he has come from then. I am forever grateful for that conversation because it gave me a new view from a bad time period with a new appreciation of us.
I think without the changes we discovered this weekend, that we may have never had this conversation.
I think he was able to see that what was considered our worst of times, I was always committed to him. I was definitely distant, emotionally distraught and working through a lot of emotions but I would never, ever cheat. Rumors swirled around that I had cheated on him and when he brought it up to me at the time, I was fucking livid. I grew up around a father who cheated many times on my mother and I know T has his own trauma from seeing his dad cheat on his mom.
I also understand how it could have looked plausible, based on how guys flirted with me. I didn't realize it at the time, because I always felt ugly and unworthy. My “father” made sure I always felt worthless so I couldn't see when people saw anything in me. I thought I was making friends and didn't understand how that could come off to other people. I also think some “men” (and probably women, too) are built to see when a woman is unhappy and struggling, and they are ready to scoop you up when you're fragile. That's absolutely disgusting behavior.
This time, the conversation helped him understand it was always him, only, even when we were on the brink of divorce. No matter how miserable or unhappy I am, I would never do anything with another man, ever. I would leave first, because no matter what wrong I think he had done to me, he doesn't deserve to be cheated on.
After some of our deeper talks, we had ChatGPT think up some couples questions. We often struggle to find couples questions that work for us because we know each other so well. We had it switch to more dynamic related questions and then we had some really awesome, spicy questions answered.
This taught me how truly amazing he is as Dominant. When I read stories of women getting used by these super red flag Doms, I always looked at T with an appreciation. This weekend, seeing him in his element, with no strings holding him back, was an absolutely beautiful sight.
I was able to see him with truly submissive eyes and what I saw blew me away.
I saw a man who truly has my best interests, no matter if we are in the dynamic or not. I've always known this, but this weekend I was able to see reflections that lead deeper into the wells of his soul.
I saw a man who has put the work in for not only us but for himself. Today's society doesn't lend to men healing themselves. They are yelled at to not show any anger, don't cry, never admit you aren't doing well and just “man up”. Therapy makes you weak. That is fucking terrible and I would imagine a really heavy burden to carry around.
When you grow up with all of these societal limits, it leads to a toxic way of living and digging your way out of that can be really scary. You are moving away from what the world has told you to do. In our experience, he learned he deserved to be heard. He learned it's okay to be held when you need it. He learned it's okay to cry and you aren't weak for it. He learned that it's okay to need help.
He learned that letting me see the deepest part of him, all of his insecurities and fears, were met with zero judgement. I offered him a place of love, security, a safety net if he feels like he's falling and most importantly, that it's okay to be him.
I want all of the gritty parts. I want all facets of him, not only the good ones.
In return, I also offer the same.
I share with him my deepest fears of not being heard, not feeling loved, never feeling safe and how bad my anxieties tend to rule my life. What did I receive? A man who lets me go downstairs to cool down when I'm overwhelmed and angry, despite his need to solve things immediately. I received a man who not only heard me but listened with love. I received a man who offered me the safe place that I've been searching for since I was a little girl.
Together, we received a deeper woven relationship with each other. Like a soul level of connection.
This weekend showed me things that I didn't know I was ready for.
I went into this weekend expecting tons of sex, using paddles and toys we can't use at home, testing out my pain levels, eating at new places and just being together.
What happened instead was so much more.
Honestly, I can't even find the words to describe it.
Did we have amazing sex? Of fucking course.
Did we enjoy food from new places? Yes!
Did we use any of our paddles or toys? No.
Do I have any regrets about anything?
HELL NO.
This weekend went exactly as it was supposed to be and my heart, mind, soul, body can't be any more full than it is right now. This weekend has lead to an intense desire for more.
After 25 years with the same person, it gets more difficult to learn things about them through the years.
It's easy to fall into the comfortableness of it all.
We have decided that we deserve more than that.
After 25 years, we fuck more than we did when we were in our 20's.
We don't just love each other, but we truly crave each other on all levels.
I mentioned to him that today was our “New Years” as a couple. New Year is typically a time when people put their best foot forward, make goals, have a renewed sense of passion and want the best for themselves.
This weekend has felt like a New Year for me when it comes to us, our dynamic and even parts of myself.
I look forward to seeing what he sees in me.
I look forward to many more days on my knees in service, because that's exactly where I want to be.