every minute of every hour...

I miss making tea for you in the morning and bringing it to you while you were still half asleep. You'd look happily surprised every time, never expected it. It was such a little joy to get to be the one who brought you a cup of tea in the morning.

I miss sitting on the steps and porches of the various apartments we've lived in together while you needed to smoke and talk. Except for that one apartment where there was no porch, and the backyard was full of dog shit all the time. You had to lean out of the window in the back room if you wanted to smoke without going all the way downstairs, where there was a good chance of getting caught by the nice, but very chatty neighbors.

I miss you telling me about what book you read that day, what was good about it, what could have been better. In-between there were patron stories and things you wanted to get done at the library, and talks about the future.

We were always talking about the future; we were almost always grateful for the present. Time with you was never wasted, always precious, as nauseating as that sounds. We never had to do anything. I was happy sitting on your bed just talking while you organized stuff. I've sat on your bed in almost all of the bedrooms you've ever lived in and been there while you organized. I would sit on a bed anywhere you wanted to be.

I can't believe we'll never move again. We'll never finally manage to get a house somewhere, or buy a camper van and travel across the country, cats wildly outraged at the lack of space. I can't believe we'll never have a porch covered in plants and drink tea there in the morning. i can't believe all these mornings where i wake up and you're still not here.

None of this is new. This grief isn't new....it's the weight of losing you. This space inside me so empty and deadened and dull and yet full of memories. I understand all the sad bastard characters in stories now. How easy it was back then to wish they would get over it and move on with the plot. But they had a plot, they had plans.

I'm a broken record without you. All my plans are still perfectly fine plans, they just lack you. This emptiness is so heavy, so alone.I don't know how I have gotten through almost an entire year without you here in this universe.