But What If
Get up. Why? Because you have to. But what if today is the day it all falls apart? It won’t. You don’t know that. I don’t need to know that. You should. You should plan for it. Prepare for the worst. Brace yourself. I can’t live like that. You already do.
You should check your phone. No. Just for a second. No. But what if there’s something important? It can wait. What if they hate you? They don’t. But what if they do? They don’t. But what if they do?
You should do something productive. I will. No, you won’t. Yes, I will. No, you won’t. Yes, I— Then do it. I— See?
Start something new. Something big. Something life-changing. Not again. Yes, again. You need it. You need the high, the rush, the thrill of something new. I don’t. You do. You get bored. You always get bored. I don’t. Then why do you never finish anything? I do. Name one thing. I— Exactly.
You’re not built for this. Yes, I am. You’re weak. No, I’m not. You’re not special. I never said I was. You act like it. I don’t. Then why do you think you can do this?
You don’t finish things. I do. You don’t. I do. You don’t. I—
This won’t be the thing. It might be. It won’t. It might be. It won’t.
Why are you even trying? Because I have to. No, you don’t. Yes, I do.
You’re just going to fail. Maybe. Then why bother? Because if I stop, you win. I always win. Not this time. … Are you sure?
I think I can do this. You think? What if you fail? Then I fail. And I'll try again. Or you don’t. You never do. You just sit in the failure. You drown in it. That’s not true. Oh, but it is. Remember the last time? And the time before that? The highs, the lows, the frantic believing, the inevitable crash. Do you even know who you are between the extremes? I— You don’t. You chase things until they bore you. You start, you stop, you get obsessed, you drop it. You’ll never finish this. You’ll never finish anything. That’s not fair— Fair? You think this is about fair? Let’s go over every mistake you’ve ever made. Every word you said wrong, every awkward moment. Do you want to replay them? Again? Again? Again? No— What if you’re not actually good at anything? What if you’ve just been lucky? I work hard. Hard work means nothing. That’s not true. I’ve done things. I’ve accomplished things. Yeah, but did they last? Did they stay? Or did you just get tired? Did you self-sabotage? Did you burn it all down just to feel something? I don’t do that anymore. You will. Give it time. You’ll get restless. And then you’ll regret it. And then you’ll hate yourself. And then we’ll replay it a thousand times.
I’m trying. Try harder. I AM TRYING. — But what if you fail? …I think I’ll be okay. You don’t sound sure. I don’t have to be sure. I just have to keep trying. But why? Because if I stop, you win. And I don’t want that. (Silence. Then—) Let’s go over this again.
I need to get up. What if today is the day everything falls apart? It won’t. It might. I just have to move. One step at a time. Oh, but first—check your phone. Maybe scroll for a bit. Maybe do nothing for three hours. No. No distractions. I have things to do. Yeah? Like what? Overcommit to something and burn out? Or drop everything because it suddenly feels meaningless? I just need to focus. Focus? Please. You still haven’t responded to that text from three weeks ago. You still replay conversations from five years ago. Let’s go over them, shall we?
Stop. Stop. Stop. You can’t just stop me. That’s not how this works. I know. So why pretend? Just let it happen. Sink into it. No. But you love the highs, don’t you? When you think you can do anything? When you’re untouchable? I— And then the lows. The crash. When everything is too much and nothing matters and— I get it.
Let’s start five projects at once. No. But what if this time it works? What if this is the thing? What if this— It’s not. But what if— IT’S NOT. But are you sure? … I don’t think you are. Let’s think about it again. Let’s overanalyze it. Let’s— I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS. (Silence.) But what if you fail? …Then I fail. And what if you can’t handle it? I will. No, you won’t. Maybe I won’t. But I won’t stop trying. (Silence.) But are you sure?