J U N E
“Kangen, nanti kita ketemu yaa!” I smiled when your message pops up on my phone. After a million time, i feel how complicated and sweet love is. How my heart is pounding with a stomach that keeps tickling. With eyes that keep searching in the crowd and keep finding you like the Sirius in the night sky. A smile that always expands tirelessly when your name pops up on my phone, tell me how was your day, what you dreamed about last night, and share me songs that you like lately.
When the moon is getting darker and the sunset is getting brighter explains everything. We are still walking together but in different directions. Then i realized that i just love our idea of love. Of everything we loved, and all the plans we made, and i still remember it.
I love that you give me a rollercoaster things when i never feel it before. and then you let me stay above without a word, with a million questions. It hurts that much, but i won't regret “us”. All my feelings at that time were present because of you even though my light finally dimmed, i'm not gonna lie about you staying as bright as Sirius in my mind. I still find you, i just pretend not to see you.
We both repel each other but attract each other. Until the rope breaks and we prefer to separate rather than reconnect the rope. There are things that we can't force just to make it happen. I already know in the very first place that i will end up like this but i'm still thankful for the lessons i've learned.
“Did you even like me? Kamu bikin aku bingung.” When you ask me about that, it's my fault that i did not give you the answer, i just diverted the topic. Because i'm confused too, it's you who makes me confused, while myself is already clear, that's why i don't answer. Because you can already know just by looking my eyes. But you never do that.
The fact that when we were attracted to each other, when i felt my heart beat when i fell for you, and if at that time you choose to break me into a million time pieces, i choose to glue them back for you only so you can break them million times.
You never know how satisfied i am when i made some crafts for you. Making paper rose bouquet for you, how red my lips to make kiss mark on the paper for you, how bright my smile when i listen to our spotify playlist, how much love sparks on my eyes when i draw you, and how agile my fingers are dancing on the keyboard to write many paragraphs about you. At that moment, everything is for you, and always be you.
I hate to see you. But i can't get you out of my mind, is it because it hurts too much? or loving too much? I don't even know. I only know that now i know why people tend to watch the moon from apart.
For your day, i hope you live your best life, i hope you do all the things you wanted to do, i hope you feel enough and don't be happy for me. I hope you know that i really hates you and i hope you don't comeback to my life. feLix nataLis!!
27/2/23