Insight into mental illness. Bipolar Schitzo effective


Today is Sunday September 4th 2022 and it is 6:23 p.m. The weather seems to be warm and sunny day. As if the Earth is trying to be kind to all of us in the form of a pleasant day. Unfortunately my wife and I are not capable of enjoying it due to the fact that we caught a bug and are under the weather. We tested ourselves for Covid which came out negative. Although I've had Covid twice and honestly it feels almost as if it were positive. In reality I take full responsibility. On Monday we went to the local bar for open mic night and of coarse I let myself down and started drinking again. I had been drinking earlier that day. I then decided to take just 2 shots that day at the bar with one beer. Plus the one I brought with me. I haven't been drinking at all for a while previously until that day. To be honest I got what I deserved. I spent the most part of the rest of Tuesday dry heaving puddles of bile vomit. Then I guess I caught a bug from the crowd which caused my wife to get ill as well. Iv'e been very disappointed with myself because I've been letting my wife down allot lately. I stopped taking my meds “ generic Zyprexa, Olanzapine”. It did not feel like it was the right one for me. I have a doctors appointment this coming up Tuesday and I'm going to request lithium for the first time. Either that or go back on generic Seroquel. Only reason I stopped was because they started me off with 300 mg Quantaphine aka Seroquel and since I am an “ illegal immigrant” and don't want nor need to be on disability. I can barely function on that dose. Although the State of California has blessed me with restricted Medi-Cal due to the severity of my mental illness which is predisposition because allot of my blood relatives also were born with exactly the same behavior, treatment, illness. Inherited from my grandfather. Very angry 6'2” strong man who caused my grandmother much undeserved anguish. Inez Bravo Castillo was the glue that held our family together. She once told me he was a violent man who was a ladies man and he like to spend his time at the cantinas. Drinking bars. She told me he would experience paranoid delusional thoughts coming home terrified yelling that different farm animals used to follow him home. He claimed they had Red Glowing eyes with smoke coming out their nostrils and the mouths would glow like hot coals. Here is tge list of animals. Bull, Goat, rooster, dog and even a widow in a wedding dress. My grandmother told me that month before a young girl took her own life so as to not be forced to marry a man she despised. So I believe my grandfather Ruben suffered from schizophrenia. The evidence speaks for itself. After my grandma passed away from breast cancer. He move in with his girlfriend an month and a half later. No one knew especially not my grandma. He was in is 60's for goodness sake. No one spoke to him for years. Let's just say the Bravos hardly socialize with the Castillo's half of the family. So it's in my blood to let my loved one's down. The perfect way to describe me and my actions is as this. The Holy Bible New Testament Book of Titus chapter 1 verses 15 – 16. That is exactly what the Holy Spirit led me to when I open the Bible on a the random page. A long time ago the OG shot callers for the Norteno's for Tracy Ca, sat me down and lectured me. Told me that I need to program or dicepline myself and to accept Christ in my life. The homie alias 'Undead, Kilo, and Diablo' asked me this. “If I would die tomorrow and stand in front of God and God would ask, ” How much time a day do you dedicate to me?” what would I say. I responded, “ I don't know, I go to church once ever great while,” Then the homies responded this, “ Your telling me you can't dedicate 5 minutes a day to Christ. Then Javier taught me the tool or method that would change my life. The Bible Trick. Then Jav's asked me if I own a Bible. I responded no. He then went to his vehicle and pulled out the Bible they gave him in prison. Oh, I forgot to mention he was released from prison earlier that day. It was the Free Inside NIRV Bible. I still have it barely held together by tape and string. Then the Homies told me in prison it is mandatory for all Northern Mexicans to study scripture or I will be DP'd which means you get disciplined which pretty much means they take you to the bathroom and beat you up slightly until you comply or become 86'ed. No if's, and's or but's about it. The Northerners believe that the Old Testament still applies to places at war. Ukraine is the perfect example where it applies right now as I speak. Proverbs. If it weren't for that lecture and that Bible gifted to me I doubt I would be here alive and free and not incarcerated. Believe me when I tell you not being registered at birth has little advantages in the form of refuge. I didn't even know I had 2 first names until 2019. I am literally the Mexican Ricky Bobby. Don't know how to slow down, love exhilaration, mother and father issues, and my mouth and attitude always get me in trouble. I always have to address the issue no matter what. I won't be able to live with myself if I allow anyone to take my kindness for weakness. Depending on the circumstances. This is how I react my whole life. My environment always affects my mental state. Causing my state of mind to shift to a different version of me which will invoke a certain energy that I will manifest to my environment and I will not stop until I feel I can live with myself the next day. So I enjoy standing up for those who can't or won't stand up for themselves. The recent experience at the Dairy ranch in Point Reyes Station is proof enough. Iv'e spoken to many individuals who were were victimized some how by them and were cheering me on telling me they are glad and proud of me for standing my ground. Believe me when I tell you. I gave them hell. New Testament style. I never cared about the money or ever intended settling out of court. My main objective was entirely to prove to them that they can't use intimidation as a tool for tyrants and get away with it. At least not around me. I have plenty of evidence to prove that they treat illegal immigrants as lesser human being. For them it's all about maximum productivity for highest profitable income with minimal overhead in the form of limiting funds that would be used for each employee. No home repairs for my co workers and neighbors. Providing terrible living conditions. Which provide poor quality of living for young children of single hardworking parents. Yet the nice credited homes are provided for friends and American renters. I know for a fact my friend and ex co worker was being paid less then federal minimum wage. Thanks to Marin County Legal Aid and my resourcefulness of cataloging everything. They were able to assist me with accounting and found many unlawful manipulation of the payroll. If it weren't for them. Justice would not exist for illegals like us. All Lives Matter. Not just US residents and citizens. To deny us our basic human right to live like human beings and not animal is just like denying us our basic human right to breathe. So are they going to deprive our lungs with oppression. So what? Are we not good enough to stand and breathe next to you. Are we not allowed to enjoy life as much as them. Six days a week split shift with only four hours in between for rest only allows to reach 3rd and 4th cycles of sleep once a week because you only get 8 hours + until your day off. Anyone knows that rest is detrimental to anyone's mental well being. Sudden schedule change forced me to work 8 days strait. I'd like to see the employers complete same work load for more then 3 months. I doubt they would be able to hold up. Live stock farm life is not for everyone. That's why country music and spanish ranchera corridos are depressing. From Johnny Cash to Ramon Ayala, Cowboy life is not easy nor for the faint of heart. There's always someone clashing heads. A real man knows how to take a joke and leaves his burdens at the door. No grudge. Push comes to shove, step outside winner picks up loser and buys him a beer. For people like me it's a bonding experience. I always carry my boxing head gear and gloves but usually there is no animosity involved. I scrapped with my best of friends of ten years plus. All my childhood friends have all being taking way before they're time. Here's a small list. 7th grade Eric C. Suicide. Jose Sanchez, Homicide, Fernando aka Payaso, Homicide, of coarse everyone know Oscar Grant from the movie Fruitville Station, Jordan Fumar, homicide few months before Jon Tue Caldwell, few months after Oscar died. Aaron Kelly 13 years old in Stockton our friend and neighbor. Even recently Emanuel my lil neighbor who we saw grow up was murdered 3 months ago in front of his house while his family was home. This being the most recent. Well I think I have satisfied my urge to express myself in a non combative way. This is a current look into my mind, psyche and soul. But I stand strong in the battle in my mind and life in the war of living a fully successful life. Even if it's just for another day. All glory goes to The All Mighty in the name of Santi Cristo Jesus. For allowing me to triumph over my errors. I proudly can say I have no ill will in my heart and pray for those that harbor ill will to change they're ways for their own salvation through Christ Jesus sacrifice. For the covenant is, so long as we forgive those who trespass against us. The All Mighty will always forgive our trespasses and allow justice to prevail only in the manner the God deems fit. Yay though we are currently living in times ran by darkness disguised as light. As the victims of Ukraine have proven to be true. I shall fear no evil. For I feel thy presence, thy fruit of thy knowledge, thy protection, thy guidance and most important thy forgiveness. So do with me as you will. For I am just a miscreant being. I have no say in the matter. In the name of The Holy Trinity I will always pray for all man kind to reach a collective consciousness. So I focus on this. Mind over Body, Soul over Mind, Heart over all. AMEN.