Disfuncional
Today is February 10 and it's 9:37 a.m. and it's a sunny day with a cold chill with the wind. It's a day for chopping wood to stay warm if I could pull myself out of bed and out of my dark room. I just find myself this morning realizing the severity of a terrible horrendous thought. I've realized that trauma truly clouds judgement, the way you perceive things which affect the way your handle matters at hand. Also causes the inability to ask for help or accept help. Or to flight the overwhelming uncomfortable feeling I get when someone offers me help. I either respond in answer or anxiety depending on the person and scenario. Thinking i don't deserve it because it's only a matter of time before I screw it up again and again. In my defence it's less frequent now so I am getting better so progress is God.And multiple traumas too early in life for truly unfortunate individuals in the world cause the inability to distinguish between trauma. Which from my own personal experience cause different forms of delusional thoughts. Now I've realized yet again that being sexually abused as a child on multiple occasions by different individuals through out my childhood at different locations I live due to not having protective nurturing guardians caused me to become a easy target. Almost every time we would move and change my name so CPS or the authorities would noticed I wasn't going to school or the bruises. There would always be an individual who would behave inappropriately with me or corner me and have they're way with me. As well as the verbal, psychical, emotional, and psychology abuse I experience at home with a neglectful mother and an alcoholic abusive step father who would constantly kick me in the ass as I walked by for any reason. He used to discipline me by grabbing me by the ankles dragging me on the floor all around the house or run kicking and spanking me with the belt until he was out of breath and needed another beer. Don't get me wrong. I was a handful. Yet I realize now that repressed memory of being sexually abused at the age of 5 or 6 caused PTSD. Which caused severe anxiety. More then I realized now that I've been diagnosed with a hyper active adrenal gland. I inherited it from my mother's side. Which caused mania or hypo mania that caused me to be mischievous and at times very socially outgoing. If I didn't crumble by pure panic causing my self defense mechanism to get dressy and fall asleep which I miss realize is fainting. We all have it in my family. My other siblings and I have different fathers yet still inherited a disorder. My sister was declared mentally disabled in high school. My brother loses control of his facial muscles and vomits out of pure anxiety or fear. I guess I eventually got used to it to the point of missing the feeling of being afraid. It's the only time I feel alive because my suicidal ideation over rides the fear at times which causes me to defend then attack and not give up until the end. I will stand my ground and will not faulter. Yet he normal non life threatening anxiety seems to overwhelm me at times. The most disturbing part is enduring that type of trauma I suffered early in life that truly ruins your life way before it ever begins. The worst part. Is being abandoned as a teenager left on the street with your belongings on the front lawn after being told you came come with out every being registered properly at birth in a foreign country, Mexico in my case and never being legally adopted nor ever obtaining any form of government photo ID which has made my whole life in America a disaster. Equal opportunity seems like a dream in another life. Now as an adult I find it virtually impossible to accomplish anything in order to reach my maximum potential before I leave this plain of existence we perceive as life in Earth. So I tend to try to escape my reality, stress, depression at times. Beer, weed, auxiliaron by risking bodily harm or even death, drugs etc. That's where the disfuncional behavior comes in. My wife and I, “ common law”, are getting tired of me. I don't blame her. I'm surprised she's lasted this long. She's a good woman. Just when you think nothing can get worse so long as I try to better myself one step and day at a time. Boom society throws you a curve ball in the form of Government I.C.E raids and checkpoints with mass deportations. I've been in the U.S since 2 years old. I don't have any clue on how things work over there South of the border. I have no one I feel I can trust in Mexico so what am I to do now other then to live life in fear of persecution. Being labeled living breathing illegal contraband as an illegal alien. So I pray to my Holy Adoptive Father Christ Jesus. Reason I call him my Holy Adoptive Father is because I know Christ Jesus would have legally adopted me in a heart beat since no one else did and protect me at any cost since no one but my grandma did until she was taken from me by stage four breast cancer. My mother and step father never laid a hand on me when she was around visiting. I just wish Christ Jesus was here in person to which he can give me advice in order not to let him down as I constantly do. I would like to know what that bond feels like. I do at times when I feel his presence because emotional trauma is that if Christ. Loss of a loved one. Tears of joy and sorrow. Psychological trauma is that of evil. Transferring negative energy in the form of abuse becoming traumatic in nature. If you survive Christ will come to you so your not suffering alone. Remember he is suffering with you. Well I feel his love all the time when I admire his courage for what he did and do for me till this day. Protect me at all cost even if that means him dying in my place. I'm tired of letting my Holy Father down in the worst ways possible affecting my personal relationship with the All Mighty Loving God. Yet the overwhelming sense of panic or intolerable anxious feeling before I screw up always gets the best out of be. So the sooner I indulge the quicker that feeling will go away. Only when the opportunity presents itself. I'm tired of being alive. Yet I will no longer contemplate in taking my life again because it's not my life. Christ decides and dictates my life for I am nothing but a humble servant so I have no say in the matter. I would love to be in a predicament to where I have the opportunity to sacrifice my life for the well being of others making my Holy Adoptive Father Christ proud giving me purpose. A righteous death. Giving me the ultimate personal relationship with The Almighty Loving God. I would be anxious and possibly frightened but I will not be afraid. A few examples I can think of off the top of my head are like Martin Luther King Jr., Cesar Chavez, Harriet Tubman, all the Punjabi that died valiantly against the Arian invaders in the 1800's along with all the soldiers who died protecting the world from the Nazis by standing against the threat and preserving life as much possible without spilling innocent blood by saving and changing lives for the better never the worst. Can't get a more righteous beautiful death in God's eyes then perishing while fighting against evil. Whether it's the Devil or Satan. No matter. I don't see it as a bad thing at all. For example all the genocide in Gaza. Well a true Muslim from what I understand is like me. We will allow them to spill our blood because we believe in God. Yet we must protect innocence from experiencing trauma by any means necessary. Well looks like this is going to be my last paragraph. My wife is just starting to wake up and I've been screwing up lately so I have to try and make up for it. Wish me luck. So now I give God thanks for allowing me to survive in the everyday battle in one's mind and I'm one's life in the war of living a healthy fully successful and joyful life. Even if it's just for another day. This is a another look into my mind, psychy, and soul. MIND OVER BODY, SOUL OVER MIND, HEART OVER ALL..
MIND OVER BODY, representing mental illness impulsive control over my body.
SOUL OVER MIND, representing my new found personal relationship with ALL MIGHTY, and
HEART OVER OVER ALL. representing Courage is key. For if you are weak at Heart life on this world will surely corrupt you
By: CBC