Insight into mental illness
“Rage”
Today is Saturday May 1st, 2021. It is 5:18 a.m and It feels like a warm night with plenty of humidity in the air. Enough to know we are in for a very warm weekend. I haven't slept all night. I lay here next to my wife in the dark. Careful not to awaken her for that always causes her anxiety. Anytime I lose sleep over something she becomes very afraid. Not for her own well being, for I will never do anything to harm her, but for everyone else's well being. She is right to protect her loved ones from me when I shift into what I have learned to call my righteous state of mind. In that mindset I perceive those who have not accepted Christ into their lives as Heathens. I perceive humans to be Godless creatures, and feel the impulse to protect all innocence from negative energy. Only way to transfer negative energy is in the form of abuse. Regardless of the type. Whether it's in the form of neglect, verbal, emotional, physical, psychological, or sexual abuse. All are considered an abomination to God. I now realize that I had a rage fueled psychotic episode a few weeks back. Which caused me to dwell on events and occurrences that have long since passed. Ended up arguing with law enforcement for about 3 hours which lead to my hospitalization and readmitted into crisis mental health. Non voluntary stay. 3rd time I've been declared 5150. I've been diagnosed Schitzo- effective with psychotic features. I have been re-accepted into my in laws family again yet I have trouble letting go of the past for it causes me distress. Also causes me to have the inability to let them in and trust them again. Not for me, but for the emotional and psychological trauma it has cause my loving wife over the years. Her family's inability to comprehend my mental illness caused them to fear me. Therefore as predictable human behavior dictates, what is misunderstood is feared, and by typical human response in it's usual attempts to either manipulate and control or if all fails, eradicate. Usually by then a committee is formed in order to construct a method of doing so in a manor disguised as good intentions or concern. Yet the concern was never for me. It was only for my wife. Yet despite all attempts to cause my wife to falter and leave my side has only brought us closer together. My love for my wife of 18 years + triumphs over all. Her love has empowered me more then anything in this world. So I take time now to reflect in a positive manner. That is the struggle of a mind labled “ill”. You either dwell or reflect. One negative and one positive. As long as I still have love in my heart. Everything will be alright. So now I give thanks to God for giving me the strength to triumph over any obstacle the unworthy one, dirt eater, mud dragger, scum has set forth in my path today in order to remain vigilant on the road of righteousness in the strive for progress for all. Yet choose your circle wisley, for there will always be a Judas. For that is a curse instilled on this Earth. There is always someone or something halting progress in the name of profit. Gods gift to this Earth is cause and effect. Example: The reaction to Jesus Christ's actions still continues until this day. That is how powerful Jesus Christ's actions were. We should all reflect, never dwell. We must focus on the good times and not the bad otherwise it will drive you mad. Believe me. I speak of experience. Forgiveness is key to a happy life. Yet you can't truly be happy if you are content. This is a look into my mind, psyche, and soul. MIND over body, SOUL over mind, HEART OVER ALL.
By: CBC