This was my first post ever.
Insight Into Mental Illness
( Before Seeking Help)
“Anguish”
July 13 2020 2:54 a.m
Lately I've been have been betrayed by most if not all. I've never had any ill will towards anyone, nor have I ever wished anyone the worst. I've always tried to make everyone happy. I've never liked to see anyone in misery both stranger and friends alike. I've always been singled out, bullied, ridiculed, shunned, and have always taken blame for others mistakes in hopes of becoming accepted. I've always opened my doors to any friend or loved one in need, and never denied anyone anything I have, regardless of quantity . I've always taken joy in helping others relive their misery, only in selfish hope that it may lessen misery of my own. I had a lonely childchood, filled with terrible experiences that I've been trying to cope and figure out, even tho no one has taught me how. I've had a troubled adolescence feeling no love or nurturing care. I had a miracle during my teens named Lorena M. She is truly a blessing from God. It's his gift for the tourment bestowed upon me .Early adulthood was difficulty but tolerable. Feeling family bonding was unknown to me until her family, my in laws. I relentlessly tried to do anything in my power to prevent any kind of possiblity from me losing my new found family to no avail. Due to my family, my blood mistreating and abandoning me, I've learned to hold family to the highest of value. The most upsetting thing is I tried to remain in my in laws favor and avoid any situation to which might disappoint, all for naught. Even then misery found a way to take away what I valued most. I felt a need to fill that void of family with anyone who would accept me. And I did. The homies became my brothers, they accepted me and praised my accomplishments. They saw I had no love for myself and would throw out self preservation and self interest out the window and jump at a moment's notice and come to their aid. I valued their lives more then my own but never more then my beloved. She will always rain supreme above all. Now that I've been let down by blood, family, and friends. Even those I've opened my home to have left me in bewilderment when my wife and I were in need and none no one came to aid. Being ridiculed by the joking comments of “ well maybe you should try the local river” when we asked for a shower or bath. The words coming from whom I least would expect it stung more then the comment itself. That has led be to never trust again, never allow myself to let love in, and never feel comfort again. They have become luxuries I can not afford since I know I no longer have the strength to survive another heart ache. I now feel like even the family I've felt so close to are untrustworthy and have a sense of dread when walking around remembering the feeling of despair when I was shunned and labled a thief. My plead if innocence falling on deaf ears. My world was shattered for a simple piece is gold that goes around someones neck. I now have a sense of expecting betrayal or impending doom on the horizon. Even to the point where I believe ones responsible for accusing and condemning are conspiring against me in a plot to cause my misery to evolve into torment that will inevitably become my demise. I sense deceitful rumors spreading like venom in my existence and slowly poisoning what little life I have left until I am eventually consumed by misplaced animosity towards me, to which I find unwarranted. I no longer give anyone the benefit of doubt and always expect the worst. Only light in my dark existence is my poor, poor, wife who has learned the meaning of anguish due to experiencing it along with me. There have not been many joyous occasions since then. I know look forward to my departure of this plain of existence that we perceive as life on Earth. Yet the thought of how I perish being decided on my behalf both frightens and enrages me. I will never go out without a fight for I do not have it in me to quit. Yet I want it to be my way on my terms. People have always been quick to judge without realize the trials and tribulations I've survived and experience. Only my wife has full knowledge of my disastrous life. How am I supposed to be a man when no one has demonstrated what manhood is. How am I supposed to be normal when I can not grasp the concept. How am I supposed to show my affection when the idea has been obscured since childhood. How do I learn to become a functionable member is society when I never had the equal opportunity of my peers around me. How do I comprehend what I've gone through if I have no concept of what sound of mind is. How do I process if my mind is labeled ill. How do I earn a living when I am considered contraband as an illegal. How do I fill the empty void left in my heart. How do I find said satisfaction when nothing seems to fill it. How do I proceed when I have lost all hope. Today is my birthday and I curse it with all my soul. I have nothing to look forward to nor can I find flavor on my tongue. I no longer have the need of new friendship nor do I have the feeling of acceptance in any form possible. I have attempted over, and over again, only to be disappointed. Loyalty is rare and trust is unbeknownst to me. I have no reason to pull myself out of bed. The fact that I am lucky enough to have somewhere to lay my head at night at moment gives me overwhelming feelings of gratitude and shame since I am nothing but a nuisance. I know now that I will never become a champion for the odds will always be against my favor. I have proof since birth if needed. I was born out of wed lock, have never known the name of my father, imagrated to a country that has made it clear in not wanted and denies me the feeling of patriotism. I had many traumatizing experiences earliest being the memory of discovering a man's lifeless corpse hanging in a closet. Was my only friend at the time, he was in his 20's or early 30's. He always kept the bullies away, as well as kept me company. I was 4 or 5 at the time. I tried to find the sense of father son relationship to an alcoholic, abusive step father that only taught me shame and embarrassment as he kicked me in my ass as I walked by half the time, or would give me money after he realizes there was not enough just cause for his disciplinary action. Or when I would ask to go with him to his friends house and all I witnessed was a drunked friends getting high and yelling at me to get them another beer. Or a mother to which would allow her son to be treated as a lesser sibling to which hand downs were good enough. A mother who never paid much attention to notice her son's dismay, or decide to spend time with him instead of partying all night with her friends. The words of “are you okay, or what's troubling you” were non existent as well as praise for my accomplishments. The fact that she ignored my screams of asking why during unjustified disciplinary acts. The fact that I had no one to console me or anyone I could confide in that I could run to if I ever felt threatened, afraid or in need of protection or rescuing. No one to teach me what to stand for or give me a lesson in self respect or to inform me of what is right from wrong. Or what is the difference between someone being affectionate or being intrusive. Not even a lesson in fishing or self defence. Never truly experienced a Christmas or birthday. Just hand downs wrapped in paper. Given what's old so Step dad could by himself some new. Given the old living room radio as as gift to me on Christmas. Or a old mountain bike just touched up with electrical tape to make it appear different, also. Or even crying on Christmas morning because there wasn't any gifts and leaving my wish list in the same spot for a few days hoping maybe they would appear in the morning before finally realizing it would not be happening and finally giving up. Always made fun of for being out of style, or dressed as an fool. Being noticed at school wearing the same shoes the whole grade year around . I have never felt an equal to anyone, not even my siblings. Never had a positive role model nor do anyone to teach me the be proper moral stand point. This was my childhood. I eventually felt more at home at the park with father figures wearing all a red bandanna and became recruited as teenager, since not even the military would allow me to join on behalf of my lacking is residency paperwork. I acted out and lashed where I knew my parents would feel it the most which was their bank roll. Only thing that seemed be off importance to them both. I took $5,000 As a way of retaliation for my upbringing and also as a desperate cry for help. Which only ended up with my being sedated by meds in middle school and Ativan during high school then ultimately being left to fend for my own around 16 or 17. By the time I was declared an adult, I had no idea how to become one, let alone be one. Still to this day the concept escapes me because all that befalls me are treacherous memories from a long forgotten history that decide to reveal themselves when experiencing the same emotional response to a similar situation to which I am left distraught and dismayed. I feel I am losing my marbles, if I haven't already. I feel when as if every time I pick up 3, some occurrence, event, or individual bumps into me and causes me to drop 5. Almost feel like there are people out there who enjoy or do not seem to be bothered worsening someones life. They feel they are in a higher position or status not realizing they have never felt struggle in which I have. I'm not going to sit here and pretend there is not worse out there. I am able to say in surprised I've made it this far and it am still alive. Not due to my choice but by the kindness and nurturing love that had been taught to me by my caring wife and Love. She is the only reason I continue to breath because the fact that I'm still breathing frustrates me immensely and the idea of breathing back in after exhaling constantly brings a tear to my eye. I seem to be labeled as crazy because I tend to speak to myself out loud. I only do so since I have no one that will listen to what I have to say nor anyone who will enjoy my company for that matter. Now I am having trouble distinguishing real from delusion and am constantly tormented by the voices of my peers to which I hear constantly at all times of day. They keep me awake at night and cause me to feel afraid for the my life or self conscious of my own flaws unappealing attributes. I have constant battles with fatal thoughts of suicide on a daily basis and fear that one day I will succumb. I live in constant fear off failing my beloved and being unable to provide her with all she deserves. Couldn't even give her the child she's always longed for. I only live in anguish and feel as if I'm being ridiculed for my failures and dismissed on my accomplishments. I have long forgotten how to socialize and have lost the sense of belonging or the need of acceptance. The ability of having control of my own mind escapes me as I stare if into space for hours at a time as I seem to relive memories both distant and recent, good and bad. I now just lay here looking for as sense of relief from the anguish, anxious and despair to which I no longer feel relief by expressing myself threw my writings. Yet all I find is four walls surrounded by darkness with no one besides my own voice in my mind telling me “ don't worry, it will all be over soon” which in reality is the only thing I find comfort in. All I seem to constantly ask myself is “ WHEN WILL IT END”. I just hope my wife will find true happiness. I now know that it will only be possible in my absence. I will never leave her unprotected yet am no longer capable of reassuring my wife that all will fall into place and that everything's going to be alright, for I no longer believe it myself. This is a written look into both my mind, life, and soul. Today is my birthday and I curse him with all my soul.
Mind over Body, Soul over Mind, Heart Over All.
By: CBC (🧀)