Why I am eager to revisit the past
I've been getting rid of a lot of physical things lately and now it's time to do some pruning. I'll be thinking about these changes for a bit as I make them but ultimately I don't want to be reminded of things that have ended or will never begin.
I haven't been approached by a scammer in awhile lately so let me tell you about the only recent one. She matched with me on Tinder and she pretended to be local. She was closer to my age than most of the women that match with me and it's not super relevant but it should have tipped me off. We went back and forth for a bit discussing where we are from, where we are at, what we are looking for. She eventually asked me to add her on SnapChat and that is always the first red flag for me. The conversation continued there, she had a video of her gyrating in front of a camera and it was up high and pointed at a bed so, cammer. She said she couldn't meet immediately because she had work and then revealed that her client canceled. When I told her I was free she suggested I pay for her cam show. I told her I was not going to do that and she said it would be the same amount I would pay on a date with her anyway. And that if I paid she promised to continue talking to me and not ghost me. I disengaged for a bit and said I would think about it. She sent a link and encouraged me to visit her friends' porn page so I blocked her.
I am the ghost
I went on a date with someone from Tinder and I'm getting ahead of myself. I matched with this person, actually a wave of people. She said she worked at a hotel and would be free to have Indian food on Sunday. I was looking for a friend and let her know that, I agreed to pick her up and pay for dinner and we could get to know each other. On Saturday I received a message, someone hacked my credit card can you send me money for lunch.
I'll just drive out and pay, where are you at?
She gave me the name of the fast food place and its location and I got on the road.
When I arrived she was not who her online pictures portrayed her to be. I had been catfished.
I bought us both some food and sat and talked to her but each of the questions I asked yielded superficial responses and it felt like she was trying to keep me out. That doesn't bother me too much but the conversation was more shallow in person than it had been on Tinder.
My work paged me so I had to leave. She said goodbye and added, oh my uh car needs some work could you give me some money and help out?
This is the first person I have ghosted on a dating app.
After taking a few days to think over that situation I unmatched her on Tinder. Then, I went to each dating app and unmatched each person that I had conversations with that went nowhere.
The end of the barrel
Twenty twenty-five really is a year that I do not want to be around for. Maybe that will change. I have some plans that I am moving forward with that will test whether it will be worth it. But I'm still reluctant because people keep getting shittier and more selfish. It's like a hell where they keep inventing new ways to make each other feel worthless, depressed, and afraid. And somehow this new trend is creating some kind of negative loop where the victims become just as shit as the assailant.
I've been spending a lot of time in Discord. In fact, I went and met some Discord people in real life recently and it was an excellent experience. I would be going again tonight if I were not still sick and in need of sleep and relaxation. I probably shouldn't be typing this and should instead be unconscious in bed but I wanted to get something out to explain a few things.
I still haven't watched One Hour Photo. I thought about seeing something from my past that I remember enjoying. Or maybe something that made me sad that I didn't learn the lessons from like As Good as it Gets or Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
When I got home on Monday I took Benadryl and Tylenol and slept all day Tuesday. I got up early on Wednesday and went to Starbucks and wrote my review and mixed up the days in my timeline because I was so out of it. I didn't recognize at the time. I need to re-read that and make sure all of it is coherent. One thing I remember was this fear where I woke up in the middle of the day Tuesday and thought someone had poisoned me and that by only consuming drugs and water I was playing into their plot, the poisoned water, it tasted chalky. And that I was going to die. It was alarming but only for a moment, then I washed out the water container and kept up the cycle.
I guess at some point I woke up on Tuesday because I couldn't sleep anymore and I played video games and camped Discord. I probably did this because I want to maintain a sleep schedule where I can flex to be awake after midnight for the bars but then wake up and get to the gym by seven to meet my best friend.
I've begun reading Reddit topics for dating and ghosting to try to find the answers but really it's all just the most lazy and self-centered bullshit, it can barely be considered an answer because it is not something that you can put forward and say, here is the math on why people ghost each other, here is the math on why the dating apps create such terrible people. There is no explanation for why you reach a certain age and people give you a mandatory six feet of social distancing like you are some kind of leper. Why they can't look you in the eye or remember your name.
When I was leaving I got in my car and another vehicle went by mine as it pulled into its spot. I looked over my shoulder and saw Shaw get out, she looked like she was in a hurry. She did not see me so after she left my sight I drove slowly out of the parking lot. I had intended to see her there, hopefully working. Even if she came in after I got there, that we would be in the same place and she could see me before I left. But that's just not how it turned out. And that will probably be the last time because she has had more than enough of me and I have to let her go.