Pie’s collection of midday and midnight thoughts

The Space Between Us

//angst//

———

That day Ikjun stood there, in front of the entrance of a restaurant in the Myeongdong area, with his eyes drawn to the most dreadful, unpleasant view to ever exist.

If time was to blame, then at that time Ikjun shouldn't have been standing there. Ikjun shouldn't have come and witnessed everything. If only he had decided to stay a little longer at the hospital to take care of that patient, he wouldn't have to see Songhwa getting hurt. Because just like what happened now, he felt he would not be able to forgive himself, not now, not ever.

They had a huge fight. A fight that should never have happened, for it only made things worse. Songhwa cried, she shouted, and all that was left was the anger that had blackened on their chest.

———

Ikjun’s sharp black eyes flicked through the laptop screen, tracing lines by lines on a document file as he diligently studied them. Over the past few days he had been preparing his presentation materials for the symposium to be held later on the weekend.

His fountain pen rested lazily in his hand, occasionally he would press it on a piece of paper next to his laptop, and wrote down some notes he felt he needed to remember.

Songhwa however, was the complete opposite. In the bedroom across the living room, by herself.

Songhwa opened her eyes, eyelids fluttering slightly as she began to wake up. Glancing to her left, Songhwa had wished to hear his breathing and see him sleeping peacefully next to her.

As if her wishes weren’t granted.

She was greeted by the somewhat infuriating sight of cold empty sheets and pillows sprawled all over the top of the bed.

It was vacant.

Ikjun wasn’t there.

Songhwa rolled over to her side again, yawning as she sat up right. Ikjun’s oversized sweater, which once belonged to Ikjun, falls onto her lap, down pooling just right above her knees.

‘Ikjun-ah?’ she called, a raspy sleep-ridden voice coming out of her mouth. Yet again, she was greeted by silence instead.

After a second, vividly Songhwa could hear the sound of soft typing coming out of a laptop across the living room as she threw back the blanket. The cold breezing air hits her bare legs in an instant. Songhwa tugged strands of hair behind her ear, revealing her tired face.

She creeped out of bed, didn’t even bother to put her slippers on. Songhwa walked past the living room, not forgetting to shop a glance at the clock on the wall

2.11 am.

Negative thoughts that filled Songhwa's mind, which, like many aspects of the concurrent situation, irritated her even further.

Songhwa peered into Ikjun’s study room, squinting at the bright light blazing from his laptop. Lee Ikjun, sitting there with his glasses on, in his black t-shirt and sweatpants, flashing his side profile at her.

‘Ikjun-ah…’ Songhwa called.

Getting himself too immersed in his work, Ikjun could barely hear the soft low tone calling his name.

Songhwa decided to come up to him. A small gesture, she placed a hand on Ikjun’s shoulder that caused him to flinch, his eyes widened.

‘Ah Songhwa-ya.. you scared me.’ Ikjun jumped a little.

Mianhae… I didn’t mean to.’

Ikjun let out a long sigh before pushing back his chair, giving some space for Songhwa. Ikjun adjusted his specs and looked at her before opening his arms wide. ‘Come here.’

Songhwa yawned and sank herself in his arms, sitting on his lap as her legs dangling over the side of the chair. Ikjun observed her, in a way of trying to figure out why you were awake.

‘It’s two in the morning.’ he said softly, pulling Songhwa close to caress her back.

‘I know, it should be me reminding you that...’ Songhwa yawned. ‘Will you come to bed?’ you whispered against his clothes collarbone.

‘No. Not yet. I have to finish this.’ Ikjun replied, turning his head to the side for a better view of his laptop screen, checking.

‘But you will still have another two days to finish everything.’

‘The sooner the better.’ Ikjun firmly said.

Arasseo.’ Songhwa sighed. ‘If you say so.’

Feeling like a deflated balloon, Songhwa did not bother to try or protest any further and ended up giving him more pressure. Songhwa got off Ikjun’s lap, walking away, fully aware of his eyes watching until she completely disappeared behind the door.

Back into the bedroom, Songhwa tawny again and let herself sink into the cold mattress. This time, she intentionally shifted on Ikjun’s pillow, calming herself with his scent.

‘If only you were here with me, Ikjun-ah.’ she murmured, crawled up to herself in the dark. The room was cold, colder than usual now that Ikjun wasn't there.

Unfortunately, instead of being with Songhwa, Ikjun preferred to keep typing and working as if the writings on the laptop screen were a matter of life and death in the operating room.

Things changed. Some for the better, some for worse.

She told him many times that what happened was not his fault. Things were meant to occur for some reason. Moreover it’s in the past, how wonderful it would be if Ikjun could just shrug it off his shoulder.

Songhwa never wanted to blame him, she could never be mad at him, especially for the things he didn’t do. The battle was more of Ikjun and himself. His guilt, for not being there when Songhwa needed him the most.

Songhwa stared blankly at the wall, lying there for who knows how long. She slowly blinked as drifting off to sleep, that was when all the sudden two strong arms wrapped around her waist from behind.

‘Ikjun-ah?’

‘You’re on my side of the bed, Songhwa-ya.’ Ikjun whispered. Immediately she turned in his arms and stared deeply into his dark eyes.

In response Ikjun leaned forward to plant a soft kiss on Songhwa’s lips before propping himself up on the side and used his free hand to stroke Songhwa’s back.

‘I’m sorry.’

Songhwa flinched. ‘What for?’

‘Everything.’ Ikjun lowered his head. ‘I’m sorry for everything that ever hurt you.’

Songhwa positioned herself to sit up. Placing her index finger below Ikjun’s chin, lift his head up to look at her. By the time he did, Songhwa cupped his face and pulled him in. Ikjun hid his face on the crook of her neck, breathing onto her skin.

‘I love you, Songhwa-ya…’ his voice cracked. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.’

Songhwa’s heart bleed for the man with his arms tightly wrapped around her tiny figure, as if he were to loosen, she’d disappear into thin air.

‘You’re here now, Ikjun-ah. ‘You’re always there for me. And I couldn’t be more thankful.’ She tried to hold back the tears from falling. ‘What happened was not your fault. Promise me you’ll stop blaming on yourself, Ikjun-ah.’

‘I promise.’

As she always does, Songhwa assured him. Swiftly he pulled the blanket to cover the two of them, before pressing his head on Songhwa’s neck, burying himself as they slowly drifted off to sleep.

———

Some wounds remain,

but better yet,

love will always find a way.