📺 Ancestors Assemble – Season 3: The Eurasian Reckoning
“When Anatolian, CHG, and Steppe blood mix—someone’s going to cry, someone’s going to migrate, and someone’s going to invent bronze.”
🧬 Episode 1: “The Yamnaya Arrive”
Steppe Yamnaya rides in on a horse, swinging a copper axe and yelling:
“INDO-EUROPEANS, RISE!”
Anatolian Farmer spills his wine.
CHG just nods like, “I trained him.”
🧬 Episode 2: “Jomon Gets a Podcast”
Jomon starts a podcast called “Uncontacted but Unbothered.”
Talks about sea-levels, shellfish, and how he predicted globalization before anyone else.
Guest: AASI, talking decolonization.
🧬 Episode 3: “IranNeolithic has a Vision”
IranN shows up glowing with Basal Eurasian vibes and says:
“I was CHG before CHG.”
Zagros blushes.
Fulani writes a song about it.
🧬 Episode 4: “Ust’-Ishim’s Lonely Life”
Poor Ust’-Ishim (45,000 BCE) appears for 10 seconds, drops the line:
“I have no descendants.”
And fades into the wind while sad flute music plays.
🧬 Episode 5: “Europeans Discover They’re Mutts”
Villabruna, Goyet, and WHG hold a family reunion.
They argue about who invented spears.
Suddenly, Anatolian Farmer crashes through the door like:
“You're all 80% me now. Deal with it.”
🧬 Episode 6: “Basal Eurasian Files a Lawsuit”
Basal Eurasian sues everyone for “identity theft and unauthorized ancestral access.”
His lawyer is a ghost population from the Levant.
Case is unresolved due to missing samples.
🧬 Episode 7: “Elamites vs. Steppe: The Remix”
Iran_N and Zagros get sick of Steppe propaganda and form a duo called “Elamite Resistance.”
First track: “Bronze Age Wasn’t Yours Alone.”
🧬 Episode 8: “Fulani Joins Eurasia Chat”
Fulani gets invited to the Eurasian group chat.
Natufian vouches for him.
CHG says “we always knew you were one of us.”
Bantu Kenya just sends a single emoji: 🧍🏿‍♂️
🧬 Episode 9: “Jomon Discovers America (Accidentally)”
Jomon builds a boat to escape the chaos.
Washes up near a Clovis settlement in 12,000 BCE.
They party like it's the Pleistocene.
🧬 Episode 10: “Ancestral Collapse” (Season Finale)
Ancient DNA labs shut down.
Everyone starts fading.
Taforalt whispers:
“We’re not gone… we’re just recessive.”
Fade to black.