Goodbyes
So for context… I’m currently writing the a NSFW scene in which Dio has just departed for school again and Runar, their friend, is comforting Vul. But I was sort of asking myself… what happened before that? And this… is part of that story.
For those of you who like… know me a little, this is… I’ve borrowed this from Vul and my actual lives. A lot of this parallels things that are real world canon, for lack of a better term. I’m embarrassed to say that I’m… dismissive, avoidant, sometimes mean. I’m working on it, but I doubt I’ll ever break free of those negatives entirely.
I love you, Vul. And I’m sorry I probably make it hard to love me back, sometimes.
“Are you okay?” Vul says as she lay across her girlfriend’s… no, wife’s… chest, idly running a finger down the soft ridges of the young tiefling’s collarbone. “You seem distracted.”
“Hn? I’m okay. Yeah.” Diotima replies quietly. This was their last night, home, together before Dio had to start the long journey back to Silverymoon, school, and at least another nine months of isolation. Though she’s outwardly calm, the waver in her voice, her small swallow, give her away.
“You’re sure?” Vul asks, finding Dio’s hand under the sheet. And then, fighting tears, adds “I wish you didn’t have to go.”
“I don’t want to...” Diotima whispers, voice cracking, tears leaking from the corners of the eyes she had squeezed shut, in a vain attempt to stem them. “I want to be home…” And then “Agh, fuck, sorry, I’m so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid.” Vul says, cuddling close, wanting more than anything to tell her to stay, struggles to resist the selfish urge to tell her to stay home, stay with her. “You can’t, though, your school.”
“I know…” Dio says, now crying softly. “I just hate this. This was supposed to be better.”
Vul, crying herself now, issues a choked laugh. “You need to learn Wish.”
Dio, half-sob, half laugh “If I was that good, I wouldn’t need to go back.”
Vul strokes Dio’s arm, asking after a moment. “Why don’t you want to go back?”
“I miss you. I miss the kitties.” And, pausing to wipe away some tears, her nose… “I miss everyone. It…. I don’t know. It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m just like… complaining for no reason. I did this to myself. I’m just stupid.”
“You’re allowed to complain.” Vul says, nudging Dio. “And stop saying you’re stupid.”
Dio covers her eyes, her tone sharp as she replies “Don’t tell me… I can think I’m stupid, okay? You can’t tell me I’m not allowed to think I’m stupid!”
“I’m sorry.” Vul says, stroking her arm… she can tell that Dio is on the edge of one of her moods… one of those whirlwinds of misplaced frustration and fury that left her lashing out at everyone. “I’m just trying to help.”
Dio, murmurs. “Okay. Sorry. I’m sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just… whatever. Sad, I guess.”
Vul considers for a moment before asking hesitantly “Is there anything else bothering you?”
Dio is quiet for a long moment, finally replying with an exasperated sigh “You spoke to Jen, then. Great.”
“Sorry.” Vul says, these reflexive apologies a habit she has been unable to break. “She’s worried about you. I’m worried about you. She told me what’s been happening.” A pause, and Vul adds “Do you need me to tear some faces off?”
Dio, quietly, replies, her eyes closed, an army still draped over her eyes to make it easier for her to express herself. “I’m fine. It’s fine. I’m used to being treated like shit, this isn’t really new, Vul. I’ll be fine. This is just my life.”
Vul is quiet, patient… knowing that she need only wait. She knows Dio will talk, that she needs to talk… but she’ll resist if she feels pressured.
After a long moment, Dio sighs, “Fine. It’s just… I knew how someone like me” She gestures with her free arm “Would be treated here, I just didn’t know know. And being ‘foreign’ makes it worse. They sense the other of me. They know something is off even if they…” A small shrug. “Even if they don’t know it.”
Vul, with her usual ‘joking but not joking’ response, nudges her again. “Who do I need to kill? Steve?”
“It’s not like that, it’s just… being outside things.” Dio replies, not taking the bait. “I thought maybe this would be different, you know? But like… it doesn’t matter where I am or who I am or what I do, I’m always going to be an outsider. It’s just… eh. Never mind, it doesn’t matter, I’m complaining for nothing. I’m just being oversensitive, I guess. Being stupid for something I did to myself.”
Another nudge from Vul. “You’re not being stupid. Stop that.”
“I am though, I knew what I was doing.” Dio shrugs, the hint of self loathing in her voice subtle, but there.
“Am I stupid for wanting to be a druid? If I wasn’t training, I could be there with you. So maybe I’m stupid too.” Vul offers, finding Dio’s hand before adding. “People being assholes is not your fault.”
Dio, dismissively, replies “Whatever.”
Vul pokes her “Hey. Don’t do that. That’s not fair.”
“I’m sorry. I know. I know.” Dio sighs. “I’m sorry I’m… whatever. This.”
“I love ‘this.’ I love you. I just want you to be okay.” Vul says, her voice wavering a little. “I wish I could help.”
Dio, after a moment. “I love you too. And you like… do help. I’m sorry if it doesn’t seem like I know.” Dio says quietly. “Because you do.”
“I wish I could do more.” Vul sighs.
“Tell me to stay home.” Dio offers, quietly.
“If I thought you would be happy, I would.” Vul replies, snuggling into her wife. “But you wouldn’t be. I know you.”
Dio, nearly inaudible. “I’m sorry.” Perhaps she is crying again, perhaps not.
“Hey. I love who you are. Even if you terrify me sometimes. Fuck’s sake, who runs toward a manticore?” Vul kids, poking her again.
“Hey, it worked.” Dio replies, trying… and failing… to hide a smile. “Stop, I’m trying to be angsty and sad.”
“No.” Vul says. “And what about when you…”
(And so on… perhaps we’ll revisit this later, no?)