What I Learned from a Friendship Breakup

May 25, 2023

The Bittersweet Truth About Friendship Breakups: Mostly The Pain and Beauty of a Friendship

Friendships are often seen as the most stable and lasting relationships in our lives. We clutch onto them, hoping they will accompany us until the final breath, forever intertwining our souls. However, reality paints a different picture. Sometimes, these cherished connections end abruptly or gradually, leaving us feeling hurt, emotionally wounded, confused, and lonely.

Friendship breakups are not uncommon, but they are rarely discussed or acknowledged in our society. We don’t have a clear script for how to end a friendship respectfully, how to cope with the loss, or how to move on.

In this heartfelt exposition, I shall unveil my odyssey through the heartache of a friendship breakup, the reasons why it happened, the emotions I felt, and the invaluable wisdom gleaned from the wreckage.

I hope that by sharing my story, I can help others going through a similar situation, and show that friendship breakups are not a sign of our inadequacies but rather an inextricable part of life.

Welcome to my mind.

Around the final quarter of each year, people are always filled with thoughts that lead to writing and sharing their new year’s resolutions with friends and loved ones. Interestingly, in addition to this, I started seeing more people writing about cutting some friends off and not just habits — in recent years.

This subtly leaves me wondering how many friends or loved ones might have cut me off from their lives over the years without my knowledge. And if there were some, I imagine what I might have done for them to wish to remove me from their lives.

Usually, thinking about this makes me reach out to friends (those I have not cut off myself as well, smiles 😊) that our communication has recently been low, hoping that if everything is OK, I will receive positive energy back.

But last year, 2022, I received a direct email from a friend of over three years, and guess what — I have been cut off directly.

However, I am bittersweet about it — at least because of her; I will not have to wonder if anyone has cut me off since it can now be done directly. Secondly, she gave me her reasons.

How it all started

My thoughts on friendship take me back to as little of age as when I was in Primary 3 (an early childhood school system for the age bracket 6 to 8 in West Africa).

I remember vividly having our routine Thursday English language exercise called composition. This is a language creativity exercise that primary school teachers use to engage the pupils to compose and write a short story about something personal to them.

For example, we might be asked to ‘write a composition about your teacher’, ‘write a composition about your mother or father’, or even as complex as ‘write a composition about your village’ etc.,

That morning’s exercise was to write a composition about your best friend. I must also add that the teacher may wish to give a generic example on the blackboard to nudge pupils into brainstorming before writing theirs.

As a front-seater, I was handy as an example for this exercise. Below is how it went:

Teacher: Ekene, stand up and tell the class your best friend's name.

Ekene: The name of my best friend is Ifeanyi.

Teacher: How old is your best friend?

Ekene: He is five years old.

Teacher: What class is he in?

Ekene: He is in primary 1.

Teacher: No, Ekene, someone two years younger than you and in primary one cannot be your best friend. We have to use another classmate.

And that was it. I sat down and watched the teacher wipe out all the answers I gave to her questions and moved on to ask the next person. I remember that I could not describe how I felt at that moment.

But I am sure I did not feel sad about the situation or angry with the teacher. If not anything, the incident got me curious about discovering the meaning of friendship.

Over a few days, I have never fallen apart with Ifeanyi in everything (mentally and socially) as I started doing. I see myself constantly trying to clarify that I am older, wiser, and above him in class. This continued until I saw him become someone I could not call a best friend any more.

We grew to pass this stage and moved on with our lives, not remembering if we ever considered each other as best friends or just someone we knew as a family friend from childhood.

What does friendship mean to me?

Another lesson that childhood incident shaped in me is to question the intentions of people older, wiser, and above me in class when they call me their friend.

I remember courageously telling a friend of my mother during that stage that I am fond of that she was lying when she visited and ushered me to hug her and said, ‘My very good friend’.

This came as a shock to everyone. The reason I gave was, ‘You are much older and smarter than me (you are even a teacher), so you cannot be my friend.

Anyway, this faded out growing up, but not much because any friendship with someone much older and smarter than me is low-key perceived as mentorship by me.

But to be my friend is simple yet complicated. You simply have to have something above averagely interesting about you that is hidden but enough to ignite my curiosity, like appearing a bit more non-conformist.

For example, I am quick to notice and engage with the person sitting alone or not contributing much to the group. I am also that weird to pay attention to someone with different leg sides of stocks or unique dressing (to the point of even noticing how unique the eyeglass you put on is).

“It’s the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen.” — John Wooden

Fun fact: I said hi first to now one of my best-treasured friend simply because I saw he has diastema (a gap between his front teeth), just like my mom.

This is why she cut me off.

Over my a few decades lifetime, I have been friends with tens of people. I am still in contact with some, although as acquaintances. But very close to a few. There are some that I lost touch with as life's journey keeps drifting us in different directions.

I met my friend as an international exchange student in Europe. I became friends with her because I noticed she’s always quick to rush out of class and head home immediately after our lectures. I also felt that she is older than most of us.

Getting to know her better, I became friends with her husband and was invited to spend my last week with them before returning to my country upon my program completion.

We all stayed in close-knit communication throughout the months I stayed in my country until I relocated to England to further my studies. This was great news for all of us as we had thought that we might never be able to see each other again.

We were always making plans on how I will always travel to visit them in Europe during my holidays. However, Covid-19 happened in my second year in England, and everybody was locked down.

Like most of us, we overcame the lockdown by steadily conversing with loved ones. My friend was one of those I was constantly in contact with during this period. But after a few weeks, I noticed her energy towards me dropped low.

She later confirmed and urged me to give her space as she is really concerned about the state of things with the pandemic. There was no problem with this since everything went back to normal between us after the lockdown.

Fast forward to last year, my friend messaged me one day that she had bad news. She is pregnant. But she is one of those who never wishes to give birth to a child. I seized the opportunity to convince her that everything would be fine. And assured her that I knew she would be a great mother.

Everything seemed fine. A few months before her delivery, we were even on a conference call (all three of us) discussing a suitable name to give the baby now that they knew the gender.

But sometime in November, I noticed similar cold energy, but this time around, it came from both. I do not know if they have given birth or anything about them. Finally, on the 25th of December, I decided to check in on her on WhatsApp — but I was blocked. So I left an email.

I later got a response that she no longer wished to be my friend as life conditions had changed for her. She urged that I respect her wish and never to contact her again. I was sad that she did not answer my question about whether she had delivered. But most sadly, she informed me that she had not benefited anything from being my friend and no longer had time to keep committing to the friendship.

Well, I do not know if this is my usual friend who wants her space whenever she is in difficult situations and will still come back or if she is now someone who really wants to cut a friend off from her life.

I understand that becoming a parent is demanding, especially for couples who do not wish to be one. I also have been able to reconfirm the stand of my primary three’s teacher that you cannot be best friends with someone older, or more intelligent, and above your societal class.

I wish my friend the very best of life and a happy and peaceful family. I also hope she is aware that I am always here and that I will forever see her as nothing but a true friend.

Closing thoughts

I informed you what it takes to become close to me but not what it takes to be my friend. I believe in sharing. So, to be my friend, we should be able to share knowledge, happiness, and, most significantly, sadness.

I have come to realise that in friendships, it is mostly about enjoying the little things like time, moments, and laughter — for you’ll one day look back and realise they were the big things.

And I mean as little as giving a friend the chocolate she wanted…

In the words of Abhishek Tiwan — “It’s the most simple and smallest things in life that make you realise what true happiness is and what really matters”

I am sure I will add being a good friend even more to all my new year’s resolutions. Until then, I would love to hear if you have cut someone off from being your friend, are planning to, or have been cut off before — and the reasons in the comment section.

I leave you with one of my favourite quotes for times of transition – From A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh): “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Photo by MART PRODUCTION on Pexels

Many thanks for reading my perspective and giving feedback. Discuss...

My fervent wish is for the personal growth of everyone and the success of all young professionals who put their hearts and souls into finding their purpose in life.

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