some of my thoughts and notes

Hate Love Freedom

When I parked the car in the driveway to let the police car pass and instead it stopped behind me so I couldn't go anywhere, I got really nervous. I didn't know what to do but you understood that they wanted me to get out of the car.

In actual reality, they just wanted to check whether the hanggliders on my roof complied with their regulations and maybe they also did this because they were a little bit bored.

But inside of me there were fear and anger boiling at this stupid needless action. On the surface of course I remained friendly, tried to be as nice as I could, amuse the officers as much as possible without seeming like a clown, and display love towards them so that it might reflect back to me.

But when the situation was finally over and they had left me alone without fining me for the overlength hanggliders without a warning board on them, all the suppressed anger and hate just vented.

I was fantasizing how if I had been the one with the gun and the legitimacy of power, I would not have hesitated to shoot this guy in the foot. I was demonizing him almost absolutely. It took me a whole pilgrimage in my thoughts to arrive back at the realization that this guy had actually not been evil in any way, and that he had only been evil in my mind.

It's stressful to pretend to love someone when I don't. And it's even more stressful for me when I'm in a situation that I can't escape.

It shows to me again how close together the themes of hate, love and freedom are. Freedom almost seems like a necessary condition for love, and hate can be expressed as love but love can also turn into hate.

I really want to work this out and create the conditions in my mind that allow me to live in a feeling of freedom regardless of circumstances so that I can always choose love.