Hollow
I'm sitting on the train back to Tønsberg. Right after we separated and I went back into the train station in Oslo I was walking a tightrope between allowing myself to cry as much as I want but also not triggering a reaction from other people.
Now I feel like the space in my chest is larger than it used to be. My hands are tingling.
I couldn't help but wonder whether you took my heart with you. It would at least explain where the extra space comes from. If that's the case I can only hope that it was right to trust you and that you'll use it for good and eventually return it to me when I need it again.
(Sorry for the silly metaphorical talk. After all, even if I can't feel it right now, I'm sure my heart is still in the same place as it used to be.)
For a moment I was wondering whether I had trusted you a bit too much and given you a bit too much power.
I was also disappointed that I couldn't connect with Felix as deeply as I would have liked to because there was this no-go-area which I tried to circumnavigate as good as I could.
But I could have also connected on a deeper level with him if I had been more present and better prepared. But I was tired, exhausted, present, but not prepared.
It's also funny how now, sitting at my desk at the airfield again, I can still feel the motion of the train (I didn't drink any alcohol).
It reminds me of the motion memory I had after a long sailing trip.
I think what’s at the core of what I want to aim towards is this:
I can see in you as an example, and in many other people and also in myself, how big of an impact healing can have on our lives.
And I am not fully sure whether experiences like these today contribute to my (and our) healing or rather cause further injury.
I tend to think that again, the control over this lies within ourselves. I could have found many reasons today to be mad at you, and within that frame of logic they would have been justified. But trust and forgiveness is a choice. And it causes different emotions and I think these emotions in turn are a lot more justified in the broader range of what I think I want to experience.
Sadness at least is the opposite of joy, it’s the emotion that accompanies the loss over a certain joy, which in turn means that you experienced this. The deeper the sadness the more you know what good must (have) be(en) on the other side.