Paradox
Today was another emotionally intense and confusing day.
First thing in the morning, Sathvik woke me up not by coming into the office but by calling me for help through the phone and then passing out for a moment before calling me back. That Codein didn't seem to be doing good on him.
Later that day, the plans for the trip to Trondheim were changed again and again, leading to the consequence that I might not be able to meet the only two people who I had wanted to meet in Trondheim.
Then I don't know if we actually meet
When I read this, I could feel a wave of sadness building up inside of my body and being alone in the workshop I decided to just let it wash over me. What I didn't expect was that I would be tumbled around that much and that I would have to hold my breath for that long. I'm not sure if I ever experienced something like this in the past few years and where it actually came from. But I'm certain that the message was merely a trigger, and my willingness to allow the emotion did the rest.
At one point I looked at myself in the mirror and found the look on my face a bit funny but mostly felt compassion for myself. For the first time ever in my life I took a picture of my sad face. Fifteen minutes later I could almost not stop laughing about it. It seemed crazy.
What was going on there? I think this stark contrast in emotions corresponds to a contrast in my own desires and actions.
One part of me thinks that the love I experienced with you is the greatest I ever experienced and that it's worth holding on to. It also thinks that holding on probably won't work and that the exact opposite is the only way forward. Letting go and finding happiness without you might be the only way back to you, and even though it likely is not, it's still good.
In some way, this matches perfectly with the other part of me that just wants to be free and not tied to you, that wants to trust your intuition for your own path, and help you to let go as well.
But internally, these two parts relate in funny ways. For example, they think that their direct expression helps each other but not themselves.
Essentially, to serve one intention, I have to express the other. To stay attractive I need to be independent, to help you let go, I need to seem a little bit needy.
So what I think happened today was that the first part briefly took over control and thought that its own expression could serve its own intention, that being sad for losing you would bring you back, while the second part was allowing it because it knew that it would serve the second intention. In this way I basically tricked myself.
I imagine my sadness over the loss of you like a beacon that's saying: “Don't come here, this is shallow water, keep on sailing.”
But the truth is, that after all, I will always be fine. And realizing that gave me the funny feeling afterwards. And there is actually no need to engage in paradoxical behaviour when we're engaging on the highest level of our being. The complications are in the lower levels that we're also still dragging around. I can clearly hear the egoic parts of my self calling for a clear cut, calling out your unfair behaviour, instead of just looking at its own shortcomings.
But what do you think?
I think another paradox lies in the fact that engaging in this kind of behaviour at work is not exactly professional, but on the other hand it's living in the present, although I wouldn't have to write and receive messages during my workday. Honestly this is a bit like cheating my employer, because even if I don't write down the time I spend crying, I'm still a bit distracted during work before and after. I should be generous with logging the breaks, it's sometimes just time that I take from somewhere else when I'm working later in the day.
After writing this, I went down to the workshop only for 10 minutes to clean up my mess left from the day. It felt very good.
Another connected thought came from Russell Brand's interview with Eckhart Tolle:
Essentially, it is suffering that forces us to wake up, a bit like suffering in a dream usually does. So maybe, the day was not too bad, and learning how to engage with suffering when I want to and not do if I don't want to is a good thing.