Promises
There's nothing that I demand of you. Whatever you decide to feel and do is entirely up to you, and how I react to that by how I feel and act is in turn entirely up to me.
But I know I have said and written a few things that can be understood like promises, so I want to clarify these.
What I say and write is always a reflection of my feeling and intention in that moment. Feelings can change, and sometimes they can drag along intention with them. You suddenly hate someone, so your intention towards them changes. This is typical mind-stuff I don't want.
As I am trying to stabilize my feelings of joy and bliss I also allow the opposites to show up. The hardest thing in that process is to keep the underlying intention unchanged, to not make any fundamental changes to the structure of meaning to alleviate the pain, to just allow it to be.
So far, it has worked out, but I already felt close to losing my sanity and almost decided to make a cut. I can't promise that this will never happen, but at least now I don't intend to.
All I can promise is that I will let you know if my intention changes, no matter how painful that would be, but this is the bare minimum.
Based on this I feel like we can make a choice for how to relate to each other. We promise that if we change that choice, we'll let each other know.
If I boil down to a bare minimum what I want from you, I think I'm repeating myself, but I'll do it anyways:
I'd love if you could keep a Tether on me, not to lead me into a certain direction, but only to help me reorient in case I'm about to bump into a wall so I don't damage my airship. I know, it's a bit of an abstract thought, but essentially I'm saying: I would like to keep a connection without any tension that we can simply use in case we have to help each other reorient. I think we've already seen this tether in action and it seems to work. And the only promise related to that is that if one of us decides to let go of that tether, we let the other know.
Another thing that would probably help me to calm my heart amygdala a lot is if I know that we'll meet again. It doesn't even need to be this year or next year, it could be in ten years. But I'd like to know that at one point we will certainly have another exchange of each others life experience. It's almost like a retro-causal version of the tether. Knowing that in ten years I'll have to openly share my experience of these ten years, I might just be a bit more careful to not damage my airship.
If we can come together in ten years, and reflecting on the past ten years don't have any regrets, I think we did nothing wrong.
Let me know what you think.