The Problem
The “problem” that just made my energy feel a bit weird was not that I was struggling with unwanted emotions. It was that my thoughts just didn't stop unfolding into more and more complexity. I was overthinking an imaginary issue.
And the problem when I stopped thinking
when I suspended any idea of the past and future
and only focused on the present moment
you disappeared
and that was hard to bear.
“But I am there all the time” you said.
I don't know if this was the first time I imagined your voice in my head but almost certainly it never felt so real.
“But you are only part of my imagination” I replied.
“But” – I knew what point you were going to make.
And I accepted it.
I also tried having an imaginary conversation with my best friend from school, and answering to my concern that while I may know him as a person I haven't read the same that he read he replied that he had always done his best to recommend me the important stuff and I should just read it.
Imagining someone as real as possible seems to actually make sense. Why reduce a person to an abstract idea of who they are and a rough memory of past interactions? (Ok, detailed memories are also good, I agree, but I don't really have them.) If someone can become almost as real it can get in my imagination in the present, I think that's actually great. It can help me resolve problems from their perspective, immediately, without having to actually wait until I can call them up. Besides, their presence is something different even compared to talking on the phone sometimes. I feel like they're inside of me, like I am them. It's oddly satisfying. I wonder if I can have that in real conversations as well.