Ember's Writing

draft: version 0.8

The previous full title of this post was: Breaking the Silence: Gendered Violence, Microaggressions, and the Struggle for Solidarity.

As a trans woman practising Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I often find myself profoundly connected to the radical potential of NVC, while simultaneously bewildered and saddened by its use in ways that appear to maintain the status quo. I have thought deeply about this and largely kept my assessments to myself. It makes so much sense why it is showing up in the ways it is showing up!

Now, I want to name a particular aspect of how it is showing up in ways I enjoy less. This is alongside and in support of entwined struggles in NVC around systemic injustices—I see you.

NVC, at its heart, is about liberation, about creating understanding and connection where there was once alienation. And yet, in my experiences within my NVC communities, I have repeatedly encountered dynamics that perpetuate exclusion, silence, and even harm.

Marshall Rosenberg cites ideas from Paulo Freire’s *Pedagogy of the Oppressed* as foundational to NVC. Both practices seek to challenge systems of oppression, especially by working with internalised structures of power. For Freire, dialogue is never neutral; it is inherently a political act. Yet, in the NVC communities I inhabit, I frequently see Freire’s radical legacy bowdlerised in favour of conflict avoidance, belonging, safety, and “neutrality.” I yearn for authenticity, and this is my contribution towards that.

An exemplar of my discomfort is a sense that there may be a pervasive sympathy for those who hold gender-critical ideology. My experience in NVC communities I am part of is that discourse around gender is rarely as authentic or calm—or even occurring—as much as I would like. And yet, the topic of gender is frequently part of current politics and headlines—everyone seems to have an opinion.

As I began to write on this, I have encountered a polarised response, that mimics my experience in the world. Silence or a sullen/limited interaction or celebration support and metoo. Most especially in my nonviolent communities. I don’t know how to hold that.

A component of this is my relationship with a women and those who supported her who took a charity to employment tribunal. My personal NVC practise group has been like treading on eggshells for over a year, with conversations happening outside of the group that impact the group, and reactivity when attempts have been made to identify and name something of what the fuck is going on. Unfortunately that group was my main support group. This brings up complexities, in that I am now less supported than I need, I am also working with harm from the bigger picture of transphobia, the gaslighting of plausible deniability, DARVO, and the enormity of systemic systems within a vacuum of honesty or capacity.

As I reflect I realise that my experience of the women in the employment tribunal has important differences to what was recorded in the tribunal. I am now aware that my experience is not isolated. I don’t know what to do with that?

And I have compassion, of course. I want to model grace, compassion and beauty as far as is possible, in my showing up in the world, most especially as a trans woman.

This blog post comes out of all that. It is messy and unwieldy. sorry. The post even got so big that it stopped working. Sorry. I am in a less contained or supported state than I need. I have begun to break it up into posts. archived post his here

Nancy Fraser's concept of turning the private into public becomes particularly relevant. Fraser argues that issues often relegated to the private sphere, such as experiences of gendered violence, should be brought into the public discourse to challenge and transform societal structures (Fraser, 1990). By bringing these private experiences into the public realm, perhaps it is more possible to collectively address the systemic roots of oppression rather than isolating them as individual problems. By doing so, we challenge the societal norms that keep these issues hidden and unaddressed, allowing for a more comprehensive approach to social justice.

Perhaps this series will help me transmute the raw dirt of private trauma into the gold of a foundation for nurturing nuance in support of shared visions of social justice?