i had a dream. that all of us went on one last big trip together. us 4 best friends on the holiday of our life. —– was the designated driver, and we drove through a thick forest of pines and over sheets of snow that piled up and stretched on and on as far as the eye could see. we were in a winter wonderland, that christmas eve. and at the end, we reached the small mountain town at its base. we had one big log cabin all to ourselves, and the rest of the day was spent making a christmas feast fit for for a king. and after our big meal, we busted out the alcohol and talked through the night. the fireplace was generously lit with firewood that crackled and gave off a homey, comforting scent of crushed pine. the night deepened, and a light snow began to fall. faint yellow luminescence gave our slowly darkening cabin a mellow glow. it was warm and cozy and so full of love. we laughed and sang and talked all about ourselves and each other, of our memories together, of how much love there was in our lives. 4 best friends sharing one last trip together. and at the end of it all, as the clock struck midnight, we ushered in a white christmas. wrapped up in cozy blankets, surrounded by the ones who were there for each other, through it all. surrounded by warmth and love.
and then i woke up.
and it hurts because i know itll never happen. itll never be this perfect, this life. the loneliness hurts. happiness sometimes never even does.

god, i wish i didnt.