i just want you to be happy.

stumbling in, my mind hazy and body sluggish. time, time. time? my hands felt like 10 kilogram weights that refused to obey me. through the haze, i made out a gash that sliced my watch face cleanly into two halves. still a whole, but barely so. unequal in their portions, an uneven union. the hour hand obscured by the splintered glass, i clumsily read the time. 2.34? 2 hours and 34 minutes past midnight. almost 3am. the voices in my head cackled casually. happening again? they chuckled and sneered. shaking my head to shut them up, i punched in the keycode. the tower doors slide open with a silent hiss that sounded obnoxiously loud in the quiet lobby. the elevator door. its dim interior. life's a flash in the pan, one of them whispered.
shut the fuck up, i growled. the doors open. 13 steps of shame, no red carpet mind you. just then my chest heaved and my stomach upended itself onto the linoleum. quietly methodical, the elevator shuts itself behind me. how's that for therapy, bitch. the same voice sneered. grunting, i pulled myself up.
technology, making it easier than ever to get home drunk. i pressed my thumb against the doorknob and pushed. the murky blackness greeted me, smokey and indistinct, yet reassuredly there.
standing in the doorway, blood pounding through my head, reality felt strangely unreal. everything around me seemed to be dissipating in a puff of smoke, indecipherable in this impermanent darkness. for just a moment, there was peace. and then the voices came surging back in a flood of noise, a cacophony of screams that drowned out everything else. my legs buckled. there was no pain, just the searing coldness of the marble tiles pressed against my skin. hope you enjoy unravelling, they whispered. they never shut up, even after my head is chock full of booze. there was a time when i could at least shut them in one of the rooms of my mind and lock the door. you held the key to it. but good things never last do they? why don't they ever last? you don't deserve happiness. i hope you'll never feel normal again, because I'm going to be right here screaming, forever. they sneered and laughed and pranced around with joy. the insides of my head were on fire. mind and body. mind and body. just like that, i slipped away into nothingness, surrounded by their gleeful cackles. drowning in a pool of darkness, an apartment brimming with empty silence.