I’m trying to outdo myself. I’m trying to prove myself wrong and do something that now, at this moment in time, feels incredibly heavy and near unbearable. I don’t want to let my ill mental state and the depressive episode I find myself in dictate what I do. It does anyway but I’m hoping I can influence it at least a little.
A year ago, I started feeling sad. I had felt sad and depressed before, nothing new, we all go through similar phases every now and then. Nothing to do to avoid it. That’s what I thought as well, that it’s just a phase, it would blow over in a couple weeks. In spring of this year, I broke down for the first time, crying hysterically in front of my husband, not knowing what to do. He didn’t know either. He’d never seen me like that. We talked it over, we tried to come up with something that would help me feel better. The feeling subsided for a couple of months. Then heavy things happened that fell on me like a rock and all I could do was to try to hold my shit together but the longer I try, to less successful I seem to be.
For the past couple of months or weeks – I can’t really pinpoint the one moment where I felt things going south – I have felt desperate. No energy, no motivation, my creativity flew out of window. I sit around, stare at the white walls, trying to make my brain not force me down the never-ending, exhausting rollercoaster of self-hatred. “Do something, it’s disgusting how lazy and incompetent you are.”
“I really want to but I can’t,” would be the answer of the other side of my brain if it even attempted to stand up for itself.
I keep afloat by understanding for where I am and that I need to heal first (whatever it is that’s damaged me) before I try to peak outside and recognize colors. At the same time, I drown in self-doubt, self-hatred and the belief that there is no way out of here. It was a long time in the making, I ignored all warning signs, marched through as if that can truly be done. My mind really makes me believe now that I have reached my peak before I could even see it and that it is downhill from now.
This first post and my Instagram page are my attempts to prove my mind, my depressive and notoriously anxious and skeptical self wrong. I was finding my way, I was close to walking it, I’ve lost it but not forever. Just for now.