I've had enough
Day 1 out of 160
The first 8 months of 2025 were full of pain and loneliness.
I gained 7 kilograms, broke up with the man I wanted to marry, spent 3 months of my summer working on projects I couldn't care less about. I became complete enemies with my university flatmates, lost discipline, and went through internal darkness deeper than I thought was possible for me to experience.
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The last 4 months of 2025 were full of progress and discovery.
I finally regained the long-forgotten skill of asking for help, inviting people to hang out, and just enjoying life without drowning the pain inside with academics.
A short romance, and then a longer one.
Travelling, gaining clarity, having experiences, feeling loved and appreciated. Learning guitar, starting personal training.
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Primarily, I would like to document the journey back to myself.
The things which are holding me back / I need to work through:
Weight. By the 1st of June, I commit to going back to 60kg. Don't worry, given my height, this is a healthy weight, and one at which I was happy a few years ago. I remember how it feels to feel beautiful every second of existing, and I want that back.
Academics. With all the stress, anxiety, feeling lost, etc., I forgot what it's like to spend hours every day truly using my brain, solving problems by myself, doing homework without the aid of AI. Satisfaction from academic stimulation is a feeling I aim to experience every other day.
Personal projects. I would like to work more on programming projects, writing and guitar. I want more creative work and art in my life. This will be achieved at the cost of social media time, and amen to that.
Mentorship. I don't really have older people to look to for guidance. I feel quite lost and alone the majority of the time. In the dark hours, I wish I had a supportive, wise grandparent who would stroke my hair and tell me some wise words to heal the wounds. I'm learning to reach out to older friends for at least part of this.
Where I'm at right now: I set up a study buddy. I have a PT, but am struggling with nutrition when outside of home (which I am 70% of the time). Hopefully will have access to another PT and nutritionist at the company I'm part-timing for right now. I have lots of ideas (including this blog!) and am trying to have a low bar for executing on them. I'm in a new relationship, which can either be my biggest obstacle or my biggest support. Let's hope for the latter.
Today is the 23rd of December, 2025.
My life is good. But I know it can be much better.
2026 will be the year of progress, fulfilling work and beautiful life.
I'm building the momentum now.
Join me.